I felt it was a good time to give an update on my and Andrew's infertility journey. I must admit this has been the most painful, lonely, faithful, scary, empty, hopeful roller coaster ride I have been on to date. And trust me like all people I have had some major things happen in my life, but so far none have even compared to the emotions I have felt with infertility. I would not wish this on my worst enemy it is such a horrific experience, but as I said to Andrew if we had unlimited funds I would do it over and over and over again.
So we had a bit of insurance money left and we are going to try one more time. I tell myself everyday to take a deep breath and live life in this moment today celebrating the possibility that our Lord will one day grant the desires of our heart and let us be parents. Many of you have been so encouraging through this process as I am learning so many have been on their own infertility roller coaster. Some of you have chosen the IVF route while others have not and I appreciate all of the suggestions, encouragement, and prayers. Additionally, thank you for sharing your stories of adoption and the recommendations that you have shared. We may be asking one day for those recommendations and guidance into the world of adoption.
However, for right now I want to just share some items on my heart. I am angry with this situation. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I cry and ask God to give me a heart of faithfulness and celebration in the goodness He has already provided. I pray and celebrate in those items and then I ask God "Do You hear my prayers? Do You hold my tears? Lord give me strength to be full in Your plan for my life. Let me know that You always know and are directing our path and that path is always plan A even when I believe I may be at plan G. Your timing is perfect and Your reasons are perfect. Lord please give me fulfillment and comfort in knowing You are everything even in these most empty places of not being able to have children.
Lord I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant. I want so desperately to be excited at the first feelings of a baby moving inside of me. To see my body changing, to experience all of the emotions. To celebrate with my husband when he feels for the first time our baby moving. I want so badly to understand that deep connection that only mother and baby can have as the baby grows. I want to feel the stress of when the baby is about to come, the decorating of the nursery, the anticipation of a perfect little life. Lord I want to feel the pains of labor and see the fear on my husband's face as we rush down Lakeshore Drive to our hospital. I want to see him hold his baby for the first time and experience everything with him as he begins to understand his new role as a father. Lord I want to hear my baby cry for the first time, feel the baby's first breath, and count his/her toes. I want for Andrew and I to experience all of the restless nights and confusion in becoming new parents. I want us to experience finding our rhythm with our baby and seeing every mile stone in their development.
Dear Lord this is the desire of our hearts. I pray Lord that in Your perfect plan A for Andrew and I You have a beautiful baby in heaven waiting to grow and be granted in our care as this baby's parents. I pray Lord that You hear our cries and Lord You fill us with Your faithfulness to accept any outcome.
I will keep everyone posted as to where we are at in the process. As I stated before I will speak primarily in generalities as I will not announce the actual results if positive until after three months, but if negative again I will post what happened. I have been taking great notes so I can chronicle this entire experience. Andrew and I have been on this roller coaster for over one (1) year now and are approaching the year and half mark. Our prayers I know have been heard so please keep praying with us as we continue to pray and lean on our Lord for His fullness and love.