Friday, June 25, 2010

Switch topics (but will be back to discuss women/girls/culture/society) Taking another step foward

I felt it was a good time to give an update on my and Andrew's infertility journey. I must admit this has been the most painful, lonely, faithful, scary, empty, hopeful roller coaster ride I have been on to date. And trust me like all people I have had some major things happen in my life, but so far none have even compared to the emotions I have felt with infertility. I would not wish this on my worst enemy it is such a horrific experience, but as I said to Andrew if we had unlimited funds I would do it over and over and over again.

So we had a bit of insurance money left and we are going to try one more time. I tell myself everyday to take a deep breath and live life in this moment today celebrating the possibility that our Lord will one day grant the desires of our heart and let us be parents. Many of you have been so encouraging through this process as I am learning so many have been on their own infertility roller coaster. Some of you have chosen the IVF route while others have not and I appreciate all of the suggestions, encouragement, and prayers. Additionally, thank you for sharing your stories of adoption and the recommendations that you have shared. We may be asking one day for those recommendations and guidance into the world of adoption.

However, for right now I want to just share some items on my heart. I am angry with this situation. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I cry and ask God to give me a heart of faithfulness and celebration in the goodness He has already provided. I pray and celebrate in those items and then I ask God "Do You hear my prayers? Do You hold my tears? Lord give me strength to be full in Your plan for my life. Let me know that You always know and are directing our path and that path is always plan A even when I believe I may be at plan G. Your timing is perfect and Your reasons are perfect. Lord please give me fulfillment and comfort in knowing You are everything even in these most empty places of not being able to have children.

Lord I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant. I want so desperately to be excited at the first feelings of a baby moving inside of me. To see my body changing, to experience all of the emotions. To celebrate with my husband when he feels for the first time our baby moving. I want so badly to understand that deep connection that only mother and baby can have as the baby grows. I want to feel the stress of when the baby is about to come, the decorating of the nursery, the anticipation of a perfect little life. Lord I want to feel the pains of labor and see the fear on my husband's face as we rush down Lakeshore Drive to our hospital. I want to see him hold his baby for the first time and experience everything with him as he begins to understand his new role as a father. Lord I want to hear my baby cry for the first time, feel the baby's first breath, and count his/her toes. I want for Andrew and I to experience all of the restless nights and confusion in becoming new parents. I want us to experience finding our rhythm with our baby and seeing every mile stone in their development.

Dear Lord this is the desire of our hearts. I pray Lord that in Your perfect plan A for Andrew and I You have a beautiful baby in heaven waiting to grow and be granted in our care as this baby's parents. I pray Lord that You hear our cries and Lord You fill us with Your faithfulness to accept any outcome.

I will keep everyone posted as to where we are at in the process. As I stated before I will speak primarily in generalities as I will not announce the actual results if positive until after three months, but if negative again I will post what happened. I have been taking great notes so I can chronicle this entire experience. Andrew and I have been on this roller coaster for over one (1) year now and are approaching the year and half mark. Our prayers I know have been heard so please keep praying with us as we continue to pray and lean on our Lord for His fullness and love.


Leneita said...

Brenda and Andrew,

Please know that John and I are praying with you on this process. While I do not know the exact pain you are in at this moment, I do know the pain of wanting God to come through in a big way and just needing to wait because I can't make it happen. So I guess that means that I am empathetic more than anything else. I just finished ready an amazing book called :" Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Thought He Would?" By Pete Wilson

It is an awesome book about putting our Hope in Jesus and not in our circumstances. As you struggle and wonder, it might be a good read.

Please know that we are with you in this journey as you wrestle and try once more in the way you feel the Lord leading you. Please let me know if there is ANYTHING we can do to support you during this time.

In addition I am going to give some unsolicited advice ( you can throw it out the window if you want.) While I agree that the bigger blog world does not need to know when you conceive, make sure that you are surrounding yourself with people as a support system. John and I miscarried a baby and we had a hard time telling people because we hadn't really shared with many that I was pregnant in the first place. It always seems like the best way, but instead I felt alone and isolated. I just had a friend who lost a baby and so many people showered her with love, it made me sad that my journey had ended up so alone. Remember life is about community. Even God is always in relationship with himself. Insulate your self with those dearest to you- as I am sure you have on this whole journey.

Much love-

kdana said...

tears. wish i had words...just tears of pain with you though for the journey you both have traveled. May God grant you the desires of your heart, and the strength to endure whatever the outcome. You are amazing, Brenda! Hang in there.

Aaron & Renee said...

Brenda -

I stumbled across your blog and do not know you, but feel compelled to write. I am so sorry for the pain you feel as you & your husband struggle with interfitlity. The the stigma, the pain, the yearning...the rollercoaster ride....are all to famliar. We struggled for 4+ years(truly the longest years of my life!) and during that time, I often likend the struggle to the stages of grief....yet you can never get to stage it is impossible to be at peace. I too leaned on the Lord during this time and found comfort & closeness in laying it in His hands. I also had an new found bond with my husband as we went through tis time together. I know many have probably given you suggestions, thought, encouragment etc. I thought I might throw one other thing out there for you that you may not have heard of: Naprotechnology - it takes patience, but in my experience, it has been a compassionate & successful way of approaching infertility by finding and treating the cause/s of infertility.

I wish you the very best.