Monday, November 12, 2012

A Country Divided - A Sovereign God

I do not hide the fact nor make excuses that my faith governs my life and plays an enormous and truly the most important part in dictating who I am, how I live, how I love, how I treat others and what I should do in this world. I felt it was important to make this statement before I continue this post. I believe in transparency and feel that perhaps the inauthenticity of our culture is potentially one of the most destructive aspects of what is plaguing us today.

As a simple observer my heart breaks for the division my country, the United States, is feeling currently after this election. It is not important as to which candidate I personally voted for, as I am neither overly joyed or angry as to who is currently in office. In fact, I was quite disappointed in the choices that I had before me when casting my vote, if I am going to be completely honest. I chose to vote for the person who represented my views within the context of economics, social issues, security of our nation, and foreign policy. Between the two main candidates they both ranked higher and lower on each of the categories that I based my vote on and I had to make the ultimate choice to represent my vision for America.

I want to state that again, I voted for the candidate which represented MY vision for America. We are a country divided because half of our country felt victory and half of our country felt defeat because THEIR vision for America may or may not have been realized and solidified.

But I challenge both sides to step back and to ask ourselves, how did we get to a place where literally split down the middle are two different ideologies which at least described amongst media outlets have a visceral hate toward the other. To the extent that the "talking heads" on BOTH sides are making incredibly mean spirited and quite ignorant commentary and descriptions of those within the opposite party.

SHAME on us SHAME on us. We are a great nation which gives the RIGHT for its citizens to vote freely with out duress and consequence. Many who came before us fought tirelessly for the rights which we as the citizens of the United States are able to practice. Even the right to openly disagree or agree with passionate rhetoric. There are so many in this world who do not and may never understand the truest blessing of having our voice heard and counted no matter the outcome. We don't know the terror and fear so many of our brothers and sisters around the world face when they attempt to ask for liberty or whisper in the depths for change. Shame on us for showing the world how spoiled we are and how much we take our freedoms for granted.

The world is always watching America, what is our response. How will we lead by humble example that we are a nation which respects, cherishes, honors its leaders and the rights which we have fought so hard to keep and which we attempt to inspire other citizens of this world to desire.

I serve a sovereign God who is all knowing. Who is walking side by side with our president and our leaders. Who will not leave either side even if His name and council is not sought. Because we are a nation who understands the greatness of prayer.

To my brothers and sisters who call Jesus their savior. We are asked to love God with all our hearts and to love our neighbors. As my friend Chris Huertz challenges us, our friendships and our love for our neighbors should be no less then the love that Jesus had for Judas full knowing he would betray Him.

I started this post speaking about transparency and authenticity. My challenge Church is to love, to reach out, to care for, to fight for, to show Jesus in all ways. No matter the outcome we are called to lived like Jesus. We are called to humble ourselves and be servants of this world and create Kingdom here on earth as it is in Heaven.

For those who do not necessarily understand or agree with my faith. There is something amazing about knowing that a savior loves you for who you are and is willing to meet you where you are no matter the judgements of this world. God invites you to the table, I invite you to the table in agreement and disagreement you are my brother you are my sister and I love you as Jesus loves you.

A perfectly tarnished child of God

Monday, October 15, 2012

With Baggage Spread Out, Encouragement is Here

After reading my post this morning I realized that much of this blog has been filled with my heart ache and the deep struggles and painful experiences I have endured over the last few years.

I wanted this morning to share some of the really amazing and absolutely joyful pieces that have come from this time I have had in waiting on the Lord.

Today, I can confidently say that I am happy. I laugh often. I am renewed by the new and old relationships in my life. I have space and capacity to nurture the new people who have come into my life and have a desire to invest back into the relationships which have bravely stood with me through my struggles.

I am energized by my future no matter how uncertain it feels right now, I am genuinely excited to take the steps into the unknown.

I smile and I smile with everything I have because there is nothing I feel that is dragging me down. I love hard and I hold on hard.

I crave the warm and secure embrace of my husband and the hugs from others. I no longer pull away as I did for so long when a touch felt so painful and it created anxious feelings inside. Now I am free to show, experience, and be a part of the love others want to give me and the love I want to give them.

My healing is not over, but I am healing. I am loving, I am laughing, I am growing... I am taking one step at a time.

I know my life has purpose and I am confident that as I lean on my Creator and let go of all the things which have held me back, as deep and painful as they may be, I will find my way and I will be stronger and more beautiful on the other side.

Love a perfectly tarnished child of God

Confessions of a Shop-a-holic

This post was my original, but the previous post entitled “Unemployment Soap Box" below sort of came out in the midst of this post. Its incredibly late while I am writing both of these two posts which may explain the some what rant based first post with regards to my unemployment and job creation annoyance within the current election season...

Anyways I feel I need to post about something, or perhaps its more of a public confession. I don’t want to make excuses for why I have done, what I did, but I do think its important and a part of my healing process that I also try to be as open to myself as I write my feelings sitting here tonight in the dark alone. 

Many of you have followed my very painful journey of infertility and the very difficult road I have been on in trying to find my voice and identity as I experience everything that was supposed to be of comfort and security stripped away. My healing process has been slow, but its been an amazing time of transformation, reflection and rebuilding the relationship I have with my husband. 

However, today in a moment of utter humiliation I realized that perhaps losing my job took a much deeper toll on me than I was either unable to recognize or simply chose not to recognize. For the time being I don’t think it really matters which one is the reason. I haven't really blogged much about my job loss and the identity which I had associated with my career. I do believe as everything else fell apart the most painful items took precedent and were the most obvious not only to me but also to others and it was easier to process through what was right at the forefront. What I am about to confess is more or less a symptom or at least the result of many symptoms and it may or may not directly and/or indirectly be related to job loss. But really this is another step in my ability to fully heal and learn to lean completely on my Lord and Savior.

Here we go...

I conceptually understood how much value I put into my position and how much my identity was engulfed in the titles and projects that I was a part of. My career path and trajectory truly consumed the very fabric of who I was and how I would describe myself to others. It was a badge of honor that I could wear and a very protective armor that I could hide behind from the judgements of the world. Lets be honest what is the first thing you ask someone, what do you do? Its how we gage others, its how we begin to place them into our neat little identity boxes. How we start to connect with them based on shared “American” norms of success and perseverance. The American dream in its most basic form is centered completely on the most magnificent rise to the top. Its in our DNA to wrap ourselves in our careers. 

All of that to say, I was broken this afternoon once again, when I had to let go and confess that I am on the verge of destroying our finances, significantly straining our marriage, potentially hurting my husband’s organization, and being unable to pay our mortgage because I couldn’t let go of what was making me feel good for only a fleeting moment. A luxury I had when my identity was wrapped up in the success I was having in my career. 

Shopping for me was a mask to save face in front of others. It was a way for me to pretend that everything was okay. That I hadn’t really lost everything. It was also one of the only things I could count on that gave me feelings. I truly received a high when I purchase something, and when for so long I had been so numb to everything, everything that was in my life and around me. This high of purchasing something I craved deeply because for just a brief moment I knew I was still alive and I fit in with all of these other people, that to me in my confused and hazed state, had it all together. I wanted to be them, I wanted the casual freedom back of not caring about the purchases I made, I wanted the selfish need to please me and only me. I craved it, I desired, it, I needed it...

But today, standing in front of the person I love the most, I have to through absolute brokeness, say I am sorry. I have put us in a position that undermines the very fragile financial state that we have been in since I lost my job. I have to confess the selfish, ugly, self fulfilling things that I did with out any sense of others. I have nothing to show for the destruction that I have caused. Only a closet full of items which are nice, but not necessary. Which did not bring me healing, fulfillment or life. 

I have to say I am sorry because I hurt him and broke the trust between he and I. 

I am broken, I am hurting, and I am asking God to please please remember me. I am sorry for the idols I put in front of the amazing Creator who made me full in His image. I am sorry I am only now learning that my fear consumed me and I couldn’t be transparent and vulnerable enough to allow You Lord to be my only desire, my only fulfillment, my only need. 

I don’t understand the whys, but I am so grateful for Your love and for the amazing love you have given me through my husband who is desperately trying to reach me. 

Tonight, with my baggage in the open I ask my family and friends to help me to pray for us. I have created a mountain which faithfully we can move...

Love a perfectly tarnished child of God

Unemployment Soap Box

For many of you who have been following this blog know that I lost my job in December 2010. In the midst of some very personal circumstances with our infertility treatment my job/career was also taken away from me. I have sent in countless cover letters and resumes to companies, organizations, and government institutions all over the city and the nation to be frank. I have received one, ONE, phone call back on a resume which resulted in an interview of which I never heard anything back even after a few times of attempting to follow up with the organization. 

So here is my unemployed soap box moment; as the election looms near and within every debate, commercial and town hall meeting, jobs, joblessness, job creations, and unemployment are front in center. Why, simply because the unemployment rate in the country is still lingering around the 8-10% mark and in the city of Chicago and the state of Illinois its on the higher end of the national average. My biggest concern for my future as a 30-something voter is that the jobs which both parties name specifically in their promises are jobs which require a discernible skill set, like construction work, bridge building, infrastructure improvement, engineering projects etc. 

Please do not miss understand these areas need job growth and creation, but what about the upper-middle manager who was laid off when their company needed to downsize? The unemployed people who have “non-tangible” skill sets like management, human resources, change/conflict consultants, organizational behavior experts, operations, international business and relations experts, etc. I fall into this category. 

I did everything right. I studied hard and earned the “correct” undergrad. Got my first job after graduating which for me actually took me overseas for a bit. I climbed the ladder and was a high performer within every opportunity. After a few years I went back to further my education and while working full time I earned two masters degrees. Yet, I seem to fall into this category of either too much experience or too little. 

I want to hear how the candidates are actually going to reward the students for graduating and doing all the things that both parties have asked of us. I want to know what industries they are actually going to create not  simply “Modern New-Deal” type projects which will only mask or put a bandaid on the real issues. 

I am critical thinker, problem solver, I like to go into a place and drill down to uncover the real issues and not just symptoms of what is happening. I like strategic planning and investing in the right people for the right industry, company, job. I believe that organizations can have a sense of organic systems which give life and breed organization values and belief systems. I like understanding the unconscious beliefs and values which make the system move and how you can better utilize that system to optimize your companies potential... Yeah, I am a geek when it comes to these areas and I am good at it, but no messages on my phone, no emails in my inbox... 

Romney, Obama, what are you going to do with the millions of educated managers out of work?!?

Love a perfectly tarnished child of God

Thursday, September 27, 2012

A Hope and a Prayer

Have you ever thought about doing something so far out of your comfort zone? Perhaps its traveling or starting a new job, maybe its simply going to a new place and meeting new people.

I am challenging myself to attempt to do something which takes a bit of discipline and time. It will hopefully help me purge through my feelings and digest some of the deep down feelings that I have not yet sorted through.

I am going to take the time to re-read the posts and use them as inspiration to reflect and push me to move forward. I want to be my biggest cheerleader and I want to be retrospective.

This will hopefully be a time where I grow and find the voice that I have been speaking about on this blog. I have put it out there that direction, strength, and steps forward are what I have been desperately searching for and I am hoping this new self disciplined adventure will assist me in putting one foot in front of the other.

I apologize for the evasiveness of this post as I am not sure I am quite ready to reveal what my new adventure is going to be, but perhaps there will come a time when I describe what I am up to. As for now I hope that each of you will find that new adventure great or small that helps you put one foot in front of the other.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Tough, Gritty, and Beautiful - Women in the Olympics

For the first time every country participating in the Olympics sent a female athlete to compete and represent her country. Additionally, the United States sent more female athletes and the female athletes of the USA definitely pulled their weight proving to be amazing competitors and winners in their elective sports.

One of the best descriptions about female athletes came after the gold medal match in women's soccer (football) where the USA took on Japan and the US women's team won Gold.

"Tough, gritty, and beautiful" stated one commentator, a male commentator, about the women's soccer (football) team.

I loved hearing this description. I have written a few pieces on this blog about femininity and the "lost in translation" definition it has become in today's society. Especially, in the USA.

Femininity has been so closely linked to sexuality that I think we have actually forgotten the strength and spirit behind the sense women should feel when describing their femininity. The reason I loved the description above from the male sports commentator is the complexity and variance in the words used to describe the women's soccer (football) team and perhaps the very accomplished women's USA Olympic delegation.

I have sometimes wondered why I feel this "subconscious" need to be a circle peg to fit in when I was created with so many more edges. Tough, gritty, and beautiful; why would I want to shave off any of those descriptors.

Just some random thoughts for today...

Love a perfectly tarnished child of God

Friday, August 3, 2012

The only thing I am going to say about Chick-fil-a

Now that the dust has settled I hope and pray we can all have deeper more productive conversations.

Yes freedom of speech and religion are vital to our soul as a nation. It would be a huge catastrophe to loose a basic and held dear right which so many have fought and lost their lives.

On the flip side we have to also understand the complexity of what "it" also became and how other American citizen
s, specifically the LGBT community, would feel and do feel with regards to being discriminated against and are not able to partake in the same and equal benefits. In addition to the hurt they feel toward where some of the money has gone in support of groups, organizations, and initiatives which specifically fight against or attempt to "repair" the LGBT citizens. 

The issue at hand is far more complicated when it comes to faith and sexuality. I feel as a nation we should be united in the protection of free speech and religion and we should be united in the equal benefits to all US citizens even in disagreement. All sides need to come to the table...

A perfectly tarnished child of God

Yikes its been a long time...AGAIN...

I feel like the boy who cried wolf in the old fairy tail we grew up hearing. In fact, it was one of my favorite Disney short films which I don't think is even in circulation anymore... Yikes another realization on how old I am truly becoming.

Anyways as the boy who cried wolf, in promising to be more proactive and consistent in writing on this blog, I am going to confess my reality and the reality which all of you have probably come to accept from me... I will not be making any promises as to how many times I will write on this blog or share my thoughts. I will however, attempt over and over again to commit to writing on this blog. I guess you could equate this with my dieting and/or exercising habits. Its a constant promise and let down... So sorry, but no more broken promises just reality. Maybe with the correct expectations will bring more consistency or maybe it will bring just the same :)

I must confess that I think the difficult part is actually being disciplined enough to actually write when something pops into my head that I think I want to put out there on the blogosphere. I will admit that I am far from being disciplined, but do have many ideas which pop into my head. So in the spirit of correct expectations I am going to try and utilize my super cool smart phone and actually write in the ideas which do pop into my head. We'll see how this goes?!?

My second issue, is that I have never been a person to keep a journal or write out my emotions or feelings. I seem to speak them better then write them. But since there is no one following me around with a recorder I guess I am going to have to figure out how to come to grips with the fact that I need to actually be a bit more centered and take the time to write out my thoughts and feelings.

My third and perhaps biggest struggle with this blog, is the vulnerability it takes to write it. I am an incredibly private and guarded person and I really do struggle with the idea of letting my thoughts fly. You might be saying to yourself then stop writing the blog, stop torturing yourself and giving out false expectation to others that you are going to be consistent in your writing... All good thoughts and challenges to me. All things that I have thought about and weighed myself. But there is more and more of my internal self which is desperately asking to be let out, desperately asking for me to give it a chance; to give it a voice. So with this desperation and internal dichotomy I will continue to write.

But I have learned that I am writing for me. So for those of you who stumble on this blog, who look to see if I have awoken and written again, or those who are friends and family who frequent it just because... thank you and perhaps I will be a better more consistent voice or perhaps I will be the same old blogger... but at lease I feel the bar is set correctly :)

Love a perfectly tarnished child of God

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Question/Comment - Gay Marriage; Perhaps Marriage in General

The below comment/question was posted to my latest blog entitled More Consistency & Lessons on Love

Thank u for your post. I live in ca and have been married for 7 years and me n my hubby also have spats that can be totally avoided. I was interested in reading Marks review until I read all the mixed reviews. I stumbled onto this page from your husbands page. I heard him on the radio last week. I was just wondering about gay marriage we had prop 8 here in ca and it just bothers me that people think I hate gay people because I do not support them getting married. What is ur take seeing as you work so closely in the community? I am just looking for answers and it seems every one is afraid to speak out against it because they are viewed as bigots ?

Here are my thoughts:

First, I want to say that I am not going to reveal my personal thoughts on Gay marriage. I believe that because we live in a country that allows for freedom of speech, thought, and religion it is vital that each of us take the time to formulate our own thoughts on issues based on free will not influence by others or entities (I include religious institutions in entities). As a U.S. citizen and Christian I feel I need to be cognizant with my choices as it relates to certain issues, policies, and political outcomes. I do not shy away from how I would vote and have supported varying efforts with regards to Gay marriage (you may infer what you wish from that statement).

Second, I think it is vital that as you decide how to move forward in your support or lack of support for Gay marriage you consider three different areas when assessing how to vote.

The first, looking through your "moral" lens. The lens which has dictated your ethical, right or wrong, and/or standards for life. As a Christian there are a variety of lenses one may use as the compass for this "moral" lens depending on where you fall on the spectrum from progressive to conservative. Unfortunately, I believe this lens has become bigger then it should be and has clouded some of our judgement in making appropriate decisions with regards to voting and/or supporting. As a check and balance we need to also be aware of other factors which affect the way we do vote on other issues or the way in which we should vote for all issues. Your "moral" lens can only be determined by you as an individual and there is no right or wrong answer primarily with where you decide your individual convictions are with regards to this lens. (Please understand I am speaking from a western perspective to a question asked by a U.S. citizen. I would have a much different thought process with regards to what is happening around the world like in Uganda)

This then leads me and us to the other two areas which I feel we need to look at when voting for and/or supporting what is deemed contentious areas.

Second, it is important to look at the legal aspect. Since we are speaking about Gay marriage it is important that we ask ourselves if two Adult U.S. citizens have the same legal rights whether that person is Gay or Straight. There are a number of rights and privileges which have been granted to "married" couples in this country. We need to ask ourselves do we feel it is legally right or wrong to limit the access to these rights and privileges based on sexuality.

Third, we need to assess Gay marriage through a lens of Human Rights. You need to ask yourself does an Adult who is a U.S. citizen have the same rights to live, marry, and love another consenting Adult of their choosing. Should they be given the same choice to enter into a marriage contract as do each heterosexual adult. Lets face it the concept of marriage as it is represented with in modern society and as it is viewed by our federal and state governments is simply a binding contract.

These three lenses are how I try to look at each issue.

However, I will say that because we have freedom of religion in this country I do believe that if/when Gay marriage is legalized that churches, denomination, and religious institutions should be able to determine their individual stances on how they will choose to proceed with their individual bi-laws as it relates to Gay marriage. I do believe that religious institutions should be able and have the right to determine that performing a Gay marriage ceremony is not in alignment with their interpretation of scripture, but in the same breathe I do believe all religious institutions need to recognize and work with an existing Gay couple and perhaps one day a Gay married couple.

Just as in the debate over providing insurance coverage for contraception and abortion, I am a huge advocate for women's rights and do believe there are still many inequalities for women. I do not believe we should force certain people groups, institutions, and religious groups to have to provide something they believe is not in alignment with their belief system whether or not I agree.

In this pluralistic society and possibly post-Christian nation we need to understand what is our Kingdom purpose in loving people as Jesus loved and making sure that all of God's children know they are loved and lovable.

Kurt Cameron has been in the news lately for his comments. I have not seen the interview so I do not believe that I can review what was said. However, I did see a brief clip of the conversation where he talked about Adam and Eve as being the first "married" couple. I believe he said something to the effect of marriage being almost as old as dirt. I do not agree with his statement. I do not believe that "marriage" was why Adam and Eve were created. In fact, I think the only thing we could say is older then dirt is the concept of partnership. We can not presume to understand or even imagine what God's divine purpose was for the two people in the Garden of Eden because it got screwed up before anything could even happen or at least be recorded in scripture. Many scholars even have different views on whether or not we could even call Adam and Eve male and female by our current human definitions (but I digress). If we are to take marriage from biblical times, then we as women especially, would be incredible disappointed in the relationship we would be forced to be a part. Marriage as we understand it is a very modern day concept which has been twisted, changed, evolved, and modernized to fit our current time period...

Perhaps you are frustrated with my answer, but I think it is very important that each of us step back and truly think through our thoughts and positions. No, I do not think you are a bigot if you disagree because disagreements are what helps us as a people grow and stretch, but you do need to be willing to grow and stretch. You need to be willing to take the time to look into the issues at hand. Learn about it from all perspectives not just the one that has been thrust upon you from one side or the other. You need to ask yourself where you fall within the three different lenses and what will help you establish kingdom here on earth.

- A perfectly tarnished child of God

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

More consistancy & Lessons on Love

In my attempt to find my voice again I am going to try and write more on this blog. Hopefully that helps those who are curious about my thoughts, feelings and experiences will visit on a more consistent basis because I am writing on a more consistent basis. I believe I made this promise before and failed, but here we go again... Ready set share :)

As Andrew and I approach our five year wedding anniversary we have begun to reflect over the last years together. There have been a lot of challenges, some amazing experiences and there are some really cool events coming up in our future.

However this five year anniversary, has been a really cool mile stone marker to take a look at our marriage and the partnership which we have truly enjoyed (and sometimes really disliked). Since the release of Mark Driscoll and his wife's book on marriage there seems to be a lot of discussion about marriage and relationships. I must preface that I have not read Mark's book on marriage so this will not be a review. I have read some reviews but don't really care to pick up his book. Mark and his wife and I don't really see eye to eye on most of their feelings about life and scripture so it would not be a book or a voice that would ever speak to me. But this is no judgement if that book did speak to you or was helpful... it has only inspired me to write and share a bit on this subject at least in the experience thus far within my life and relationship...

One of the biggest lessons that I am learning in marriage is that we love differently. The way we show love and the way we give love is very different. It has at times been the contention in our relationship and the prolonging of some major fights which probably would have ended much faster if Andrew and I saw the world exactly the same. However, it has also been one of the biggest way in which we have grown together and has stretched our ability to feel for others and interact more holistically within our world.

We are complete opposites and I believe that was one of the major aspects that attracted me to Andrew and of course Andrew to I. I saw in him some the characteristics that I either wished I possessed or wished I could improve on. In the same breathe these characteristics are also the most foreign to me and the ones which get under my skin the most. So yes in this very twisted life of relationships I love and hate the same things about Andrew...

I am learning how important it is to extend myself a bit and make myself a bit uncomfortable in order to meet the needs of Andrew. Because I love him that much I am willing to move beyond what I know, desire, and expect to meet him at a place which he feels safe and loved. Of course Andrew is learning to do the same.

Its not easy, but so worth it. Yes, we all love differently, but its not a wrong way to love. We just need to respect, learn, and evolve in the way we love together.

- A perfectly tarnished child of God

Monday, February 27, 2012

When I laid the first brick in my "safety" wall

It has been quite awhile since I posted on my blog. I haven't had words or the ability to share for the last few months. 2011 was an incredibly difficult year for me personally. As many of you have read my posts know (but for those that this may be the first) I was laid off at Christmas in 2010 and we had three failed IVF attempts from 2009 to 2010 which sent me spiraling into what I am able to truly now label a deep depression. I no longer had the capacity in my mind to be able to function, feel, communicate, and interact with the world around me.

To be honest with myself and each of you I have very little memory of what even occurred this past year. I was completely numb in fact I really could only feel the physical effects of my depression in the form of my skin hurting when people tried to reach out and comfort me through touch or feeling ill, tired, and heavy everyday. However, even with these physical responses I was either too terrified or too overwhelmed to allow myself to feel any deep emotion. I convinced myself that if I stayed in this numb space I would be able to have some control over what was happening, but in reality I had lost all control and in the meantime had lost all understanding of what was happening to me that an entire year passed with out me even realizing.

Around December as Christmas began to become even more present I started to come out of my "fog" and I sought help for what was happening. In a brief moment of clarity which I can only give to God's grace I realized that I had slipped into a deep dark hole and if I didn't take a step forward I would potentially continue to fall deeper into the abyss of what was my inner self; my numbness; my protective walled off box.

I entitled this post realizing when I laid my first brick on my "safety" wall because at 31 I realized that even before my depression I had created this incredibly high and thick wall that surrounded my inner most feelings. Not only did it not let me feel completely, but it purposefully kept me distant from others. At first glance I would tell you that my wall was a protection and I was proud of it. It, according to my own self, kept me grounded so that I could navigate life more precisely and realistically. However, as I hit my rock bottom I realized that the wall was a coping mechanism which allowed me to deflect and run away from anything which was real in regards to my feelings.

I didn't know how to laugh and love with everything in my soul nor did I know how to grieve and feel sad with all the emotions and feelings which were warranted in a particular moment. Something in me told me that if I ever allowed myself to go to these "high" and/or "low" points of emotion I would loose control and not be able to return... return from what, I don't know, but my wall had internally convinced me that it was there for my protection and together we (myself and the wall) were going to be great partners in living my life.

While healing I have realized that yes, I laid the first brick many many many years ago as a protection of my personality of who God made me. I would describe myself as being a bit off and I enjoy walking to the beat of my own drummer. A long time ago when people in my life began to protest or "make-fun" of my interpretations of this world I laid the first brick because I wanted to protect what I truly believed was a gift from God, that my internal belief system is different. Unfortunately, overtime what was supposed to be a protection to allow me to fully express who I was became a block for me to hide and deflect from those around me, loosing myself behind this wall.

I am working (slowly) to remove each brick that I laid, for whatever reason, to this wall so that I will be able to fully know the incredible child which God created in His/Her image!

I am loved and I am lovable

A perfectly tarnished child of God