Reflections

Today I sit with my dad at Northwestern Memorial hospital in Chicago as my mom has surgery. Its an interesting place for me as I know that this hospital is one of the best in the world and my mother is in really good hands, yet this is the same hospital where for a year Andrew and I came with so much hope and anticipation.

It has been about a year and half since our last attempt at IVF. I am trying to heal still and admit that the wound is possibly deeper now then when I was first told of our infertility issues. I guess its because reality has begun to settle in that Andrew and I may not have children naturally. Additionally, the reality of adoption seems so far off right now for us as well. I feel betrayed by my body, my emotions, societal expectations, anticipations, and the dream of having a family.

I will admit that since being laid off back in December of 2010 I have been emotionally stunted and have tried to cover up everything that I am feeling. I have tried to invest in other people and ignore all of the things which I should be healing in myself.

I have searched for a job to no avail, but I think a lot of that has to do with the lack of confidence that I have in myself. I didn't realize that getting laid off and not being able to have a baby would take such an extreme toll on my body and emotional well being. I specifically didn't realize that it would drain me of my confidence and strength to be a productive member of society.

On the outside I look like I have defeated the black hole, but on the inside I am stuck in its perpetual circular motion. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want, and I lack the confidence to be proud in what I have done and the strength to be able to do more and/or move forward.

I want to be significant, not in a narcissistic way, but knowing that I have in some way changed the world around me for the better. I don't want to loose the naivety that I could truly still make a difference in this world, my community, my city, and a life.

Where is my voice...

• Is it in my travels, I have lived around the world, and completed global projects
• Is it in my education, I have two masters degrees, two graduate certificates, and two undergrad degree majors (yeah its a bit overkill)
• Is it in my professional experiences, I have been the director of international relations, the manager of training and employee relations, the managing director of operations, and currently the director of operations for The Marin Foundation...

Or is my voice in something else,

• The pain of infertility, the loss of not being able to have children (at least currently - I still believe and am faithful to God who does miracles)
• Being a female who is fighting for reconciliation and recognition of women in the church
• Challenging the seemingly one demension that is fed by our media and society to our young girls and boys as to what and who women are
• A wife who is trying to learn to be a solid partner and work alongside her husband to show what it means to love authentically as we have been asked to do
• A friend who is willing to step outside of her comfort zone in order to be uncomfortable and live in the tension
• A person who loves her neighbor and those perceived to be the "enemy" with unconditional love and devotion. To be a living representation of what it means to love with out expectation or outcome. To truly believe in a relationship that goes the journey and dignify all stories.

I know my voice is the combination of all aspects and one day I will find how to merge it all... Until then I will continue to fight to get out of my perpetual black hole and find my voice...

A perfectly tarnished child of God :)

Can we finally be over the Kardashians

Okay I know this post is random, but in light of the recent Kardashian divorce taking over all news outlets I wanted to express some thoughts...

First, what is the fascination with this family:

I think it comes down to a desire for those of us in the general population to simply want to find an outlet for the realities of our own lives. I will admit that I bought into the consumption only family, The Kardashians, in their first season on E!. I enjoyed it and it was an escape to watch this dysfunctional family live in all of their opulence. However, by the second season, I personally had become quite board and disheartened when I realized they really did simply consume consume consume and you never saw any of them give back this great wealth which was pretty much given to them be adoring fans of the general population. I felt a bit stupid that I even gave them one season as I realized they bring absolutely no value other then to help boost the economy with regards to their spending habits. They have accomplished very little other then being Hollywood royalty with fame based on their looks alone and a sex tape with a some-what famous person. I guess Bruce Jenner and their late father are the ones which introduced the Kardashians to famous people, but why they actually are famous I think a lot of people are now wondering.

All that to say I understand their draw for most people. You can watch this family who gets everything they want in the world, who don't have to make sacrifices or care about tomorrow. They are completely selfish. But that was a release for most of us. A dream of what if that was us. What if we were like the Kardashians. That is why I think so many people liked their show. It frankly has very little to do with the characters involved, but more that it provided a fantasy for all of us to escape to.

Second, point of contention in my random post, can we as a public claim to be betrayed by Kim's "wedding":

Personally, I think the entire thing was a sham. Perhaps there were some feelings, but if I were a betting person I would say that the main reason for the entire production was simply that a production, which netted a lot of people quite a lot of money and publicity. I do believe the Kardashian family made a quite a bit of money off the two huge special episodes which aired Kim's "wedding." But can we as a public claim to feel betrayed. I guess it comes down to two thoughts. If their fame and fortune has been tied to the generosity of the public then perhaps the public owns a part of these "reality" stars and therefore the public should be given an apology and they have been betrayed, but if we as the public are dumb enough to continue to support these people then perhaps they can continue to spew out crap as long as someone is willing to watch and therefore they owe the public nothing.

Third point: Yes, I do think this pathetic wedding/marriage is a slap to marriage traditionalists:

In the heat of the marriage debate the continuation of heterosexuals screwing it up big time definitely takes away some of the "thunder" and "ammunition" used to deter the general public from supporting gay marriage. If some Christians (which the Kardashians at lease claim to be spiritual and pray) are fighting so hard to stop gay marriage then why are they not setting an incredible example of what "marriage" is supposed to look like. Why is divorce in the church at the same rate as in the general public? Why is adultery common within the church walls yet a blind eye is always turned? What do you think hurts children more the destruction of their parents marriage in divorce and the betrayal of adultery or the marriage between two consenting adults?

Just my thoughts...

A perfectly tarnished child of God

I am unapologeticly a follower of Jesus

Lately, I have had some people question my faith and devotion to Jesus. So I am making a very public statement about unapologeticly loving and following Jesus... There question no more...

But then I began to wonder why was this question even being raised. Was I not portraying a life reflective of Jesus? Was I not living a life which was so counter-cultural to today's norm that others notice a difference?

So I asked some of my "so-called" accusers and most of their responses had something to do with a specific denomination or in my case the lack of an affiliation with a specific denomination. Other responses had to do with my more progressive views on women and their ability to lead within the church and Christian faith...

So in this short but sweet post I want to say that no I am not a pretty package all tied up neatly with a perfect bow. I do like to rock the boat, go against the grain, and push boundaries. I want to live a life that is different, authentic and transparent. I want people to see Jesus in me in everything that I do... even as a woman :)

So no I am not officially affiliated with any denomination nor do I choose to be. I was raised evangelical and I do appreciate the vulnerability and rawness of emotion they have when praising Jesus, but I don't know if I am fully "evangelical" anymore...

I guess all I am saying is that I love Jesus. I want to follow the example which has been set out for me to follow. I know I will fail. I know I have many short comings which will get in the way of my journey to be like Jesus, but I will not be defined by a denominations legalistic rules and regulations and I most certainly will rise above whatever traditional roles you believe as a female Christian I am supposed to play...

Love,
A perfectly tarnished child of God

Interesting Article in Today's Online Chicago Tribune - About Infertility

www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/chi-trice-dupe-110810-column,0,619925.column


chicagotribune.com

For infertile couples, help and support

During trying times, hopefuls will hear success stories and talk to clinics and doctors at conference

Dawn Turner Trice

August 10, 2011

Katie Davis, 24, lost her ovaries to cancer when she was 12. Doctors told her that if she wanted to have a baby one day, she would have to use donor eggs and undergo in vitro fertilization. She has been trying to have a baby since September 2010, but so far no luck.

Davis said infertile women sometimes feel like members of a "silent sorority."

"Women are quiet about infertility because they're so ashamed," said Davis, of Bolingbrook. "If you want to have children and you can't do that, you may feel your womanhood has been taken away."

On Saturday, Davis and her husband will share their story at a free conference on infertility and adoption, called A Family of My Own, in Glenview.

Conference organizers say the event will be an opportunity for people to learn from a variety of experts who run in vitro fertilization centers, surrogacy programs and adoption agencies; who teach couples how to raise money for the costly procedures; and who explain how scientific advances are enhancing a couple's ability to conceive.

For more information on the conference and to register, go to afamilyofmyown.com.

Dr. Angeline Beltsos, a reproductive endocrinologist and infertility specialist, is medical director of the Chicago-based Fertility Centers of Illinois. She said that couples navigating infertility need a strong support network because the process is often taxing physically and emotionally.

"When they're going through treatment, they have to come in for ultrasounds, blood tests and even surgery," said Beltsos, who will be speaking at the conference. "They have busy lives. But what tries them the most is the anguish when all their work doesn't produce a baby.

"When they find a safe place to share their stories, it gives people hope that (they can have a baby) one way or another. We can help them."

But help is often quite expensive. Beltsos said a round of in vitro fertilization, or IVF, costs about $15,000 to $17,000 without use of donor eggs; surrogacy can range from $50,000 to $100,000; and, adoption starts near $40,000.

In Illinois, companies that have at least 25 employees and provide insurance that covers pregnancy-related benefits must also cover all or some fertility treatments. Although there are exemptions, the state is one of the few in the country to require companies to do so.

But costs related to surrogacy remain a large hurdle for some parents-to-be.

Katie O'Brien, 32, of Wadsworth, learned she had uterine fibroids in August 2005. Doctors told her that conceiving a child would be difficult, despite five surgeries to help correct the problem. She and her husband tried to conceive via IVF for two years before deciding to use a surrogate.

"When we found out how expensive surrogacy was, I cried the whole way home," said O'Brien, a patient at Fertility Centers of Illinois. "If you don't have insurance, you can find grants to help you pay for fertility treatment or adoption. But we couldn't find anything for surrogacy. A lot of costs related to surrogacy are similar to adoption."

She said she came across the Facebook page of the nonprofit Birdies for Babies, an annual golf outing that allows couples to raise money to pay for infertility treatments. With the help of family and friends, O'Brien, an elementary school teacher, and her husband, an accountant, raised $30,000 toward their costs of roughly $60,000.

"We found a surrogate whose insurance should cover the pregnancy," said O'Brien, whose blog is at prayingforbabyobrien.blogspot.com. "That's keeping us on the low end of the price range. We'll pay for the rest with savings and help from family and begin trying in September."

One of the conference sponsors is the Broken Brown Egg (thebrokenbrownegg.org), a nonprofit started by Regina Townsend, 29, an Oak Park resident, who aims to destigmatize infertility in the black community.

Townsend, who is black, said that when she and her husband were having difficulty getting pregnant, she found very few resources directed toward women of color.

"When we talk about reproductive health and black women, it's always about contraception and prevention, abortion and (sexually transmitted diseases)," said Townsend. "It's always everything before fertility."

She said there's a misconception that blacks don't have problems conceiving, don't adopt and can't afford the treatments.

"Until I started talking about infertility, I couldn't find one member of even my own family who would admit this was something our family has dealt with before," Townsend said. "You want to feel you're not alone, but you want information. You want to be proactive."

Beltsos said conferences such as A Family of My Own help make couples aware of what's available to them. That includes the breakthroughs in the science of fertility treatments.

For example, the advances in the technology for freezing eggs have taken off dramatically over the last decade thanks in part to work done in Italy, Japan and Korea. She said such advancements have had a profound effect on women diagnosed with cancer.

"We will pull eggs out and have them preserved for when the woman's done with chemo," Beltsos said. "Women can come back once they're cured from cancer and use their own biological eggs. No one would question that the most important thing is saving her life, but afterward it shifts the focus from surviving cancer to living one's life."

Davis said that when she was diagnosed with cancer at 12, her cancer was too aggressive to consider taking time to save her eggs.

"From the beginning, I knew I would have to go the IVF route," said Davis. "There's no guarantee it's going to work. We ran out of eggs the first time and now we're starting back at square one."

Davis, who also had a fundraiser through Birdies for Babies, said she believes it's important to share her story. She said a woman her husband knew in high school read about their ordeal on her blog (at katieandpatsivfjourney.blogspot.com) and offered to donate her eggs.

"It's amazing that things like this happen," said Davis. "At first, we were both not sure whether we should talk about (the infertility). But just by being so open with our story and speaking at events, we believe we're also helping others.

"I've been in remission for 11 years. I'm cancer-free. The last thing is this, and once I have a baby, I'll know cancer didn't take anything away from me."

dtrice@tribune.com

Copyright © 2011, Chicago Tribune

Lessons on Adoption - Good or Bad these are my feelings

Its incredibly difficult and quite emotional to write this post. Many have asked where Andrew and I are at with regards to our decision to adopt. I guess you could say that I naively or prematurely wrote my very excited blog about moving forward with adoption.

We had done some investigation into adoption, but we had not done all of our homework. As I stated in a previous blog, part of my healing at least for the time being in the place that I am currently at, I would like to adopt a baby, a newborn. Andrew and I don't have any preference on the gender of the child, and have thought very hard about race. For the purposes of too many opinions I will leave the descriptions of our thoughts surrounding race as a non-factor and something I don't feel needs to be discussed in an open forum. If you want to speak to me further then I don't mind in a private setting. Perhaps over coffee :)

Anyway, in our beginning steps we discovered the absolutely disgusting and dark side of adoption. Now here is where race does play a part, but played little in our decision with regards to adoption (hopefully that made sense). Depending on the race of a child depended on the cost and the availability of a baby. If you desired a Caucasian baby where both biological parents were both "white" then it would cost you between $32,000 to $42,000. That cost covers... actually I don't know what exactly, considering if you would like to adopt an African American baby the cost is from $12,000 to $15,000. These costs were fairly consistent whether we chose to go through an adoption agency or through a private adoption attorney.

So I began to ask myself where does the money go... And if its to cover administrative costs, medical costs, and counseling costs for both before and after care of the biological mother how then is the cost between one race so much more then another? My understanding is that paperwork is blind to color, medical costs are blind to color, counseling is blind to color...

In the midst of being in a very dark and painful place of not being able to have children on my own (unless God does a miracle - here is to believing still in miracles!) I am angered, annoyed, frustrated, and hurt by the cost of adoption and the idea that its free to make a baby but requires that only the wealthy can afford to adopt. I guess I realized why so many adopt much later in life, its simply when they could afford to do so.

Now some may say, Brenda, there is a tax break and I would say yes there is and its around $13,000 assuming the adoption goes through you can file the adoption costs on your tax and receive the credit. However, that does not in anyway cover the costs associated with adopting a child who is not African-American nor does it cover the costs if the adoption does not go through...

Oh yes, and that leads me to the other devastating news we received as we moved into the adoption world. You may pay your $12,000 to $42,000 and it may not result in you receiving a child. Sadly there is little recourse for you in receiving any of your money back. This may sound heartless on my end, but when you barely have enough money for yourself right now you can't imagine potentially letting go of a significant amount without any guarantee... Plus I know what it already means to give a significant amount of cash away for no guarantee with three failed IVF attempts.

So I have no update other then Andrew and I are childless we may be for a very long time or for the rest of our lives. I have cried out to our Lord and asked for a miracle, but I have also come to understand that some times the miracle we are asking for is not in God's ultimate plan no matter how much I don't understand. We can not afford to adopt at this point in our life so any movement forward in pursuing adoption has come to a screeching and very painful stop. Perhaps one day when we are at a different time we will begin to pursue adoption again.

I have been on an extreme emotional roller coaster with so many slammed doors that I am desperately trying to learn how to pick myself up amongst this deep disappointment. I am angry with my body, I am angry with the system, I am angry that I believe adoption has become a profit centered service which preys on those with deep wounds. I believe they have put a "legal" spin on baby selling and it sickens me to my core...

That is it that is all I have to say... I am going to take a break from writing anything with regards to our struggles to have or adopt children because I have no momentum forward in our story with regards to this subject.

A perfectly tarnished child of God

Article: Which Gender Do American's Prefer...

Americans Like Baby Boys Best (article)


Stephanie Pappas, LiveScience Senior Writer
LiveScience.com Stephanie Pappas, Livescience Senior Writer
livescience.com
Fri Jun 24, 10:20 am ET

If they were only allowed to have one child, more Americans would prefer it be a boy rather than a girl, a new survey finds.


Despite the intervening woman's movement, the results are very similar to those found when the same question was asked of Americans in 1941.


The Gallup polling agency asked a random sample of 1,020 American adults whether they'd prefer to have a girl or a boy if they could only chose one. Forty percent said they'd pick a boy, 28 percent said they would want a girl, and the rest didn't mind either way or weren't sure.


In 1941, Americans asked a similar question responded with 38 percent preferring a boy, 24 percent preferring a girl, and the rest with no preference. The question has been asked eight other times in the intervening years, with the numbers remaining fairly constant.


The preference for boys over girls is driven by men, 49 percent of whom said they'd want a son. Only 22 percent said they'd prefer a daughter. Women, in contrast, showed no significant preference, with 31 percent preferring a boy and 32 percent preferring a girl. [Boy or Girl: Which Gender Baby Would You Pick?]


Americans younger than 30 are the most likely to say they'd prefer a boy, with 54 percent making that choice, and 27 percent preferring a baby girl. The gap then declines steadily with age. Education also plays a role: People with a postgraduate education break even in their preferences, while 44 percent of those with a high-school education or less prefer boys, compared with 25 percent who prefer girls.


It's not known how many parents in the United States have the opportunity to select what sex they'd like their baby to be, but sex-selective abortions in other countries have skewed the gender balance. Normally, 105 baby boys are born for every 100 girls. According to China's census, 118 baby boys were born for every 100 girls in 2010. Kits that promise to reveal the sex of a baby at just a few weeks' gestation have raised fears of similar sex-selective abortion in Western countries, Gallup officials said.


It is so vital that we as women continue to voice the purpose of equality and give positive examples to young women in all aspects of life. This will not only change the way women and young girls view themselves, but also the way men and young boys view us.  

Adoption Update

Andrew and I have finally begun some of the steps forward in our adoption journey. I want to share a bit of where we are at and some of the choices that we are making within the adoption world.

First, I think its important to share where I am at in my own healing process. This August will be a year after our final and third attempt at IVF. Andrew and I went through clomid, an IUI and three failed IVF attempts. If you have not been through infertility treatments it is not easy to explain all of the treatments, medications, shots, tests, and very personal questions and interviews. The procedures are long and painful, but I think most women would choose to go through it if they thought they could conceive. It wasn't so much the pain of the shots and procedures, but the agony felt emotionally when the attempts failed. I don't know what it means to have a miscarriage but after four attempts of truly believing and hoping you were pregnant and getting the very cold phone call that the procedure did not take there is considerable loss and pain. In order to go through the long invasive procedures you have to have hope that everything was going to work and I will admit that I truly felt pregnant during the two week waiting period every time. Its devastating and quite lonely.

It has taken me almost a year to be able to heal and truly come to terms with the fact that I am going to be a wonderful mother, and that we, Andrew and I are going to make great parents! In the year of healing I told many people that I was of course thinking about adoption, but I knew those were just words and had no meaning behind them it was just the appropriate answer to give when people talked to me about infertility and adoption. Most people who spoke to me had never been through infertility and I will admit there were times I was so angry with them as they talked about adoption. I know their intentions were pure, but it tore my heart a part and I continued to hear in my head the old saying "easier said then done..."

Before I could move forward in adopting I had to know within myself that adoption was not a plan B it was not a second choice. I dedicated a lot of time healing. The bottom line is that I will always have a scar, but that scar has healed and its visible, but the pain is less and I am reminded of the journey I have been on and the exciting new journey I am about to begin.

Bringing us back to our adoption journey...

We have connected with the appropriate people and are staring to review our finances and apply for grants. Andrew and I utilized a majority of our personal funds for IVF and well in all honesty do not have the funds at this time to pursue adoption. However, it is important to start somewhere :) In these first few stages we are creating an adoption plan and discussing what options are available to us. At this time Andrew and I have decided to try for a domestic adoption. Part of my personal healing is that I would like to have a newborn. If I can't have babies of my own I would like the opportunity to have a newborn and experience everything I can in their lives. This may change, but as of today this is the starting point of our adoption plan. We are open to what is called a private adoption, semi-private, and open adoption. The differences are pretty much explained in the names but briefly a private means the adoption is closed, a semi-private means that there is exchange of very basic demographic, biological, and historical information and finally open means there is exchange of information on a more consistent basis and the two families are both involved on some level within the child's life.

According to the people we are working with domestic adoption runs from $10,000 to $40,000 with the average unfortunately being closer to the $40,000. Andrew and I of course don't even have the $10,000 at this time, but we are faithful that the Lord will provide and knows our hearts and desire to be parents.

In the next few weeks we will be discussing how we can do fund raisers, apply for as many grants as possible, look for loans, and figure out if we have any savings that we don't know about :).

I will be posting an application on my blog if you would like to help donate to our adoption. Additionally, I will be updating on this blog where we are at in the process.

Please pray with us for the following:

1. Direction in finances
2. Patience in the process
3. To not be discouraged
4. Prayer for the baby which will one day be with Andrew and I
5. Prayer for the mother who will carry her baby for 9 months and still choose adoption
6. Prayer for the father who will also make a huge decision to give up his baby for adoption
7. Prayer for continued healing emotionally