I have decided that this blog is really an outlet for me when I am ready I write and when I need to let some things out this is the place I am able to do it. I do also hope that its a place that people visit on occasion to get an update, to hear my heart, or to potentially find that they are not alone as we all struggle with some difficult aspects in life and painful journeys.
I was already to write a post about the latest Kardashian announcement, no not the one about Kim being pregnant, as I would never take away that incredible miracle from any one, even if I do think you are an absolute drain on society with no meaningful substance (oops did I write that). No, I am talking about her interview on the Today Show about her fertility struggle (you can see the interview here). I was all ready to say how dare you... my heart raced, I initially felt anger, pain, jealousy; like I need to call out this "starlet" for not understanding the deep loneliness and utter despair a woman feels when she is trying to have a baby and does everything in her power to have that life grow inside of her, but time after time, effort after effort, doctors appointment after doctors appointment the news is bad.
However, I don't know Kim K's situation or what she was told by her doctors. My understanding from the interview is that she is going to discuss it on her upcoming reality television show, but I won't be watching not because of the pregnancy but because I think its worthless television. Ok I am getting a bit snarky and because of this my message could potentially be lost...
Even though my initial response was to be mad and then jealous of Kim I want to make it clear that having a baby is difficult no matter what and its an incredible gift and miracle to be able to make life. A struggle is a struggle no matter how big or small and a gift of a miracle is to be celebrated.
My healing journey has been long and will continue to be a healing journey. As Andrew and I prayerfully embark on the next steps in our life together and decide on the options available to us we will and have been grieving for things that we will both never have the opportunity to experience. Infertility is hard because its lonely and in a lot of ways a silent suffering. You (I) can't stop participating in the changing lives of my friends as they have children, I can't avoid baby showers even though they hurt. I can't avoid the comments from women of why I don't have a child yet, and that Andrew and I better get trying because I am not getting any younger... I know these women don't mean anything by what they are saying, but no matter the choice or circumstances women are more than baby makers and some of us can't even be the baby maker you are asking of us...
As I grieve and as you think of those who you know who are struggling with infertility these are just a few things I will miss that I have to heal from:
1. I will never know the excitement and uneasiness of a positive pee stick
2. I will never make the call to my partner to tell them the results
3. I will never utter the words "I am pregnant and having a baby"
4. I will never feel the growth of life inside of me
5. I will never hear my baby's first heart beat
6. I will never experience the excitement of seeing the life growing inside me on an ultrasound
7. I will never see the joy and fear on my partners face when they view the baby for the first time
8. I will never have my partner put his hand on my stomach to feel the baby
9. I will never pray over the baby in my tummy
10. I will never go through the hospital visits and birthing classes
11. I will never feel the pains of labor
12. I will never witness the fear of my husbands face as he races me to the hospital
13. I will never give birth
14. I will never hold my baby (or a baby) right after they are born and experience the skin to skin touch
15. I will never have the connection of breast feeding
16. I will never be able to see the baby that Andrew and I could make
These are only a few of the items I have had to mourn and heal from before I was ready to move forward. I share this list because I think its important to understand what infertility really means and the loss which occurs because of this inability. Especially to those who so carelessly feel its okay to ask a young lady about her "baby making" plans. Perhaps she is in the middle of healing from her own list of loss.
I still have my faith that my God is greater than this list than my loss, that a miracle can occur and I too can feel all of the above mentioned, but I am at a place of peace and joy of knowing that there is another path for Andrew and I. That family in so many ways comes in so many different packages. My heart is bursting with love for a child and I am looking forward to this next journey.
I will continue to post as Andrew and I make decisions and hope that all of you will partner with us in prayer over the next steps.
God is great... all the time!
A perfectly tarnished child of God