Wednesday, February 29, 2012

More consistancy & Lessons on Love

In my attempt to find my voice again I am going to try and write more on this blog. Hopefully that helps those who are curious about my thoughts, feelings and experiences will visit on a more consistent basis because I am writing on a more consistent basis. I believe I made this promise before and failed, but here we go again... Ready set share :)

As Andrew and I approach our five year wedding anniversary we have begun to reflect over the last years together. There have been a lot of challenges, some amazing experiences and there are some really cool events coming up in our future.

However this five year anniversary, has been a really cool mile stone marker to take a look at our marriage and the partnership which we have truly enjoyed (and sometimes really disliked). Since the release of Mark Driscoll and his wife's book on marriage there seems to be a lot of discussion about marriage and relationships. I must preface that I have not read Mark's book on marriage so this will not be a review. I have read some reviews but don't really care to pick up his book. Mark and his wife and I don't really see eye to eye on most of their feelings about life and scripture so it would not be a book or a voice that would ever speak to me. But this is no judgement if that book did speak to you or was helpful... it has only inspired me to write and share a bit on this subject at least in the experience thus far within my life and relationship...

One of the biggest lessons that I am learning in marriage is that we love differently. The way we show love and the way we give love is very different. It has at times been the contention in our relationship and the prolonging of some major fights which probably would have ended much faster if Andrew and I saw the world exactly the same. However, it has also been one of the biggest way in which we have grown together and has stretched our ability to feel for others and interact more holistically within our world.

We are complete opposites and I believe that was one of the major aspects that attracted me to Andrew and of course Andrew to I. I saw in him some the characteristics that I either wished I possessed or wished I could improve on. In the same breathe these characteristics are also the most foreign to me and the ones which get under my skin the most. So yes in this very twisted life of relationships I love and hate the same things about Andrew...

I am learning how important it is to extend myself a bit and make myself a bit uncomfortable in order to meet the needs of Andrew. Because I love him that much I am willing to move beyond what I know, desire, and expect to meet him at a place which he feels safe and loved. Of course Andrew is learning to do the same.

Its not easy, but so worth it. Yes, we all love differently, but its not a wrong way to love. We just need to respect, learn, and evolve in the way we love together.

- A perfectly tarnished child of God

Monday, February 27, 2012

When I laid the first brick in my "safety" wall

It has been quite awhile since I posted on my blog. I haven't had words or the ability to share for the last few months. 2011 was an incredibly difficult year for me personally. As many of you have read my posts know (but for those that this may be the first) I was laid off at Christmas in 2010 and we had three failed IVF attempts from 2009 to 2010 which sent me spiraling into what I am able to truly now label a deep depression. I no longer had the capacity in my mind to be able to function, feel, communicate, and interact with the world around me.

To be honest with myself and each of you I have very little memory of what even occurred this past year. I was completely numb in fact I really could only feel the physical effects of my depression in the form of my skin hurting when people tried to reach out and comfort me through touch or feeling ill, tired, and heavy everyday. However, even with these physical responses I was either too terrified or too overwhelmed to allow myself to feel any deep emotion. I convinced myself that if I stayed in this numb space I would be able to have some control over what was happening, but in reality I had lost all control and in the meantime had lost all understanding of what was happening to me that an entire year passed with out me even realizing.

Around December as Christmas began to become even more present I started to come out of my "fog" and I sought help for what was happening. In a brief moment of clarity which I can only give to God's grace I realized that I had slipped into a deep dark hole and if I didn't take a step forward I would potentially continue to fall deeper into the abyss of what was my inner self; my numbness; my protective walled off box.

I entitled this post realizing when I laid my first brick on my "safety" wall because at 31 I realized that even before my depression I had created this incredibly high and thick wall that surrounded my inner most feelings. Not only did it not let me feel completely, but it purposefully kept me distant from others. At first glance I would tell you that my wall was a protection and I was proud of it. It, according to my own self, kept me grounded so that I could navigate life more precisely and realistically. However, as I hit my rock bottom I realized that the wall was a coping mechanism which allowed me to deflect and run away from anything which was real in regards to my feelings.

I didn't know how to laugh and love with everything in my soul nor did I know how to grieve and feel sad with all the emotions and feelings which were warranted in a particular moment. Something in me told me that if I ever allowed myself to go to these "high" and/or "low" points of emotion I would loose control and not be able to return... return from what, I don't know, but my wall had internally convinced me that it was there for my protection and together we (myself and the wall) were going to be great partners in living my life.

While healing I have realized that yes, I laid the first brick many many many years ago as a protection of my personality of who God made me. I would describe myself as being a bit off and I enjoy walking to the beat of my own drummer. A long time ago when people in my life began to protest or "make-fun" of my interpretations of this world I laid the first brick because I wanted to protect what I truly believed was a gift from God, that my internal belief system is different. Unfortunately, overtime what was supposed to be a protection to allow me to fully express who I was became a block for me to hide and deflect from those around me, loosing myself behind this wall.

I am working (slowly) to remove each brick that I laid, for whatever reason, to this wall so that I will be able to fully know the incredible child which God created in His/Her image!

I am loved and I am lovable

A perfectly tarnished child of God