Okay not literally but maybe philosophically....Okay let me explain and this is more for those who may be going through a similar situation as my husband and I, those who may find themselves in this situation one day, and those who may know someone going through infertility.
I feel I need to say that I am absolutely thrilled for my friends and family who become pregnant and are expecting children. I am even really excited about those I don't know and see on the street...But I wanted to talk about an internal quite vivid struggle that I have had with myself in trying to control my emotions as another pregnant announcement is paraded past me.
So I was at a friends home for dinner and they introduced us to this new couple. As she was eating she began to say how she is so lucky now that she doesn't have to watch what she eats because she is expecting her second child. Of course we all, including myself, doted on her and celebrated in that announced moment. As she continued though I felt myself want to reach across the table and punch her in the face...who thinks that especially about a pregnant woman... Well this young girl proceeded to talk about how she wasn't even trying and oops it just happened. That's when like in a T.V. show when they show one of the characters internal thoughts and what they would really like to be doing I could see myself in all its trashy glory crawling across the table and punching this girl. Of course the whole time I am thinking of this I have a smile on my face and can hear myself telling her how exciting it must be and when are you due...You know saying all the right things...
So I asked my friend who also went through infertility about my feelings (oh and this girl was not the first pregnant woman that these emotions were directed towards). She thankfully assured me that this was normal and that it just hurts. Even though being upset with a pregnant woman is incredible taboo it still does not negate your deep hurts and empty pains that you are feeling in those moments...Phew I am not loosing my mind...Well maybe just a little bit :)
The reason I say this is to let others know that as we struggle with things in life sometimes our thoughts, emotions are not always rational and that is okay. Be sure to surround yourself with people who support you, love you, and will walk side by side with you. I may not understand why Andrew and I are going through this right now, nor will I always understand why my very rational self has become quite irrational but I know I am learning to be faithful that my life has a father who is greater then all things in this world and he is looking over my everything!
4 comments:
Brenda -- I can SO relate to this, I remember feeling many times that I couldn't even be around pregnant people when we struggled to conceive for so long. It literally felt like my insides where being ripped out each month when I wasn't pregnant AGAIN and when someone else was and it was just an "oops" thing. Your emotions are completely normal. I remember one of my dearest girlfriends @ the time was also trying to get pregnant and she already had 2 children. I prayed ALL THE TIME that God would allow me to get pregnant first b/c I honestly didn't know if I could even be friends with her anymore. Of course, she said some weird things to me while we were trying, but still it made me lose all rationale. Hang in there, girl. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.
Brenda, First off I want you to know that I truly love you and I am so glad that we are friends. You are a real person with VERY REAL emotions. I had so many friends get pregnant before me and I remember one night looking up to the ceiling and with all of the hurt and anger I was feeling inside I yelled at God for making me go through the struggle of infertility! After many tears and a journal filled with my thoughts I began to feel a peace come over me.
I started to sing the hymn..."it Is Well With My Soul" and I meant every word of that song when I sang it that night. Just a month a later I took a pregnancy test (expecting it to be negative like it was every other month) and I got a positive result. I fell on my knees and just thanked God over and over.
I am believing this for you too! I have been praying and will continue to pray for you expecting that God is going to BLESS you and Andrew with a baby very soon!!
Sorry for the novel, but this topic is very close to my heart and you are going to be an incredible Mother someday soon!
Love you!
Kelly
Brenda, I love your raw honesty and humor despite the deep pain. I get it. So glad I stumbled on your blog. May you find hope and healing in 2010.
Hey, I can totally relate to this, but in a different way. I feel like punching hetero women in the face everytime they talk about their hetero marriages,and hetero privilege. Just the phrase "my husband" can set me off. The worst is when straight women come into gay bars and then say "my husband"-- privilege there. Maybe everyone feels like punching people out now and then.
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