Okay not literally but maybe philosophically....Okay let me explain and this is more for those who may be going through a similar situation as my husband and I, those who may find themselves in this situation one day, and those who may know someone going through infertility.
I feel I need to say that I am absolutely thrilled for my friends and family who become pregnant and are expecting children. I am even really excited about those I don't know and see on the street...But I wanted to talk about an internal quite vivid struggle that I have had with myself in trying to control my emotions as another pregnant announcement is paraded past me.
So I was at a friends home for dinner and they introduced us to this new couple. As she was eating she began to say how she is so lucky now that she doesn't have to watch what she eats because she is expecting her second child. Of course we all, including myself, doted on her and celebrated in that announced moment. As she continued though I felt myself want to reach across the table and punch her in the face...who thinks that especially about a pregnant woman... Well this young girl proceeded to talk about how she wasn't even trying and oops it just happened. That's when like in a T.V. show when they show one of the characters internal thoughts and what they would really like to be doing I could see myself in all its trashy glory crawling across the table and punching this girl. Of course the whole time I am thinking of this I have a smile on my face and can hear myself telling her how exciting it must be and when are you due...You know saying all the right things...
So I asked my friend who also went through infertility about my feelings (oh and this girl was not the first pregnant woman that these emotions were directed towards). She thankfully assured me that this was normal and that it just hurts. Even though being upset with a pregnant woman is incredible taboo it still does not negate your deep hurts and empty pains that you are feeling in those moments...Phew I am not loosing my mind...Well maybe just a little bit :)
The reason I say this is to let others know that as we struggle with things in life sometimes our thoughts, emotions are not always rational and that is okay. Be sure to surround yourself with people who support you, love you, and will walk side by side with you. I may not understand why Andrew and I are going through this right now, nor will I always understand why my very rational self has become quite irrational but I know I am learning to be faithful that my life has a father who is greater then all things in this world and he is looking over my everything!