Monday, February 27, 2012

When I laid the first brick in my "safety" wall

It has been quite awhile since I posted on my blog. I haven't had words or the ability to share for the last few months. 2011 was an incredibly difficult year for me personally. As many of you have read my posts know (but for those that this may be the first) I was laid off at Christmas in 2010 and we had three failed IVF attempts from 2009 to 2010 which sent me spiraling into what I am able to truly now label a deep depression. I no longer had the capacity in my mind to be able to function, feel, communicate, and interact with the world around me.

To be honest with myself and each of you I have very little memory of what even occurred this past year. I was completely numb in fact I really could only feel the physical effects of my depression in the form of my skin hurting when people tried to reach out and comfort me through touch or feeling ill, tired, and heavy everyday. However, even with these physical responses I was either too terrified or too overwhelmed to allow myself to feel any deep emotion. I convinced myself that if I stayed in this numb space I would be able to have some control over what was happening, but in reality I had lost all control and in the meantime had lost all understanding of what was happening to me that an entire year passed with out me even realizing.

Around December as Christmas began to become even more present I started to come out of my "fog" and I sought help for what was happening. In a brief moment of clarity which I can only give to God's grace I realized that I had slipped into a deep dark hole and if I didn't take a step forward I would potentially continue to fall deeper into the abyss of what was my inner self; my numbness; my protective walled off box.

I entitled this post realizing when I laid my first brick on my "safety" wall because at 31 I realized that even before my depression I had created this incredibly high and thick wall that surrounded my inner most feelings. Not only did it not let me feel completely, but it purposefully kept me distant from others. At first glance I would tell you that my wall was a protection and I was proud of it. It, according to my own self, kept me grounded so that I could navigate life more precisely and realistically. However, as I hit my rock bottom I realized that the wall was a coping mechanism which allowed me to deflect and run away from anything which was real in regards to my feelings.

I didn't know how to laugh and love with everything in my soul nor did I know how to grieve and feel sad with all the emotions and feelings which were warranted in a particular moment. Something in me told me that if I ever allowed myself to go to these "high" and/or "low" points of emotion I would loose control and not be able to return... return from what, I don't know, but my wall had internally convinced me that it was there for my protection and together we (myself and the wall) were going to be great partners in living my life.

While healing I have realized that yes, I laid the first brick many many many years ago as a protection of my personality of who God made me. I would describe myself as being a bit off and I enjoy walking to the beat of my own drummer. A long time ago when people in my life began to protest or "make-fun" of my interpretations of this world I laid the first brick because I wanted to protect what I truly believed was a gift from God, that my internal belief system is different. Unfortunately, overtime what was supposed to be a protection to allow me to fully express who I was became a block for me to hide and deflect from those around me, loosing myself behind this wall.

I am working (slowly) to remove each brick that I laid, for whatever reason, to this wall so that I will be able to fully know the incredible child which God created in His/Her image!

I am loved and I am lovable

A perfectly tarnished child of God


Meg said...

Beautifully said...we love you girl!

Jon said...

Thank you very much for opening up and sharing this, Brenda. We love you very much! -Jon :)