I have been in a place of confusion lately which has clouded my ability to formulate any thoughts or conceive a full post. So today I will just simply accept that my heart is empty, but full. That I am in the midst of transformation and I do not know where that transformation will end. To be quite honest I don't even know where it really began. Looking back I can pin point some major events which have from my internal perspective began to shape the woman I am transforming into. It would be easy to say that my journey of infertility has been a big piece and possibly the beginning, but I have reflected on even earlier events which I now know were times which started me on this new path of transformation. But yes in many ways infertility has forced me to do some very deep reflections.
In this time of reflection I have had to ask myself what life is about with regards to success and failures? How do I measure my worth? How do I measure my accomplishments? Who am I? Where do I go from here? What does it mean to be female? What was God's purpose for females?
The beauty and extreme frustration about each of these reflections is that each question each layer offers up more questions and more discoveries. I am working on the day were I can look in the mirror and confidently say that I do not have all the answers, I am enjoying the discovery process, I hope to always enjoy learning more deeply about who I am and what God wants for me, and to love being female...
What are the issues which face females today, here are a few off the top of my confused and clouded head? (no particular order)
1. Body image
2. Sexuality
3. Marriage
4. Expectations
5. Culture norms
6. Religious norms
7. Ambition
8. Shame
9. Power Struggles
10. Leadership
11. Servant hood
12. Motherhood
13. Success
14. Failure
15. People pleaser
16. Partner
I could really keep writing more words, but I am curious what do you think we as women are facing and what do the words that I listed mean to you?
3 comments:
Brenda,
Thank you for today's deeply-felt and thought-provoking entry. I think you captured in a small space many of the big issues today's woman faces. We receive so many mixed messages regarding expectations from our culture and loved ones that it indeed is confusing and hard to know what is real and important.
As I reflect on your words, two key points emerge:
1. What is the purpose of a Christian woman in today's world? Might I suggest that it is no different than the purpose of a Christian man... to love the Lord your God with all you heart, mind, and spirit. Now, lest that be left hanging as mere biblical platitude, to me that means simply to love God, love others, and serve God. 2. Work, spiritual life, marriage, health, infertility, etal. - these have been elements in the lives of many other women, as well as in mine. I don't know why we are given particular jobs, levels of spiritual maturity, or unique physical constraints, but I do believe in the concept of divine "convergence." The often misshaped, unconnected, and unpleasant aspects of our lives will work together later in life to shape us into something even more beautiful and useful for God's purpose. Stay strong in your faith - it will happen.
Brenda, I read this post (good!) and then read this post: http://marquezfamilyjourney.blogspot.com/2010/10/expectation-vs-expectancyknow.html. Totally thought of you today. Pray it speaks to your soul. xoxo
To me, the challenge is to have the most powerful words, and to see where the word ideas take me.
Here's my list for women:
1. Autonomy
2. Power
3. Brilliance
4. Self-determination
5. Raw ambition
6. Intellectual virtuosity
7. Women's country
8. Sisterhood
9. Freedom
10. Matriarchy
11. Land
My challenge is to search out the highest good, the greatest freedom for me as a lesbian. My life is not about serving men, it is about women's freedom. It is not about child care, it is about my care. It is about working together with my partner in radical equality, where both of us achieve our hightest goals. It is an uncompromising women's community of two, at the highest level of lesbian intellectual virtuosity.
When I wake up in the morning, I am excited and energized as I voyage out in my pirate ship, plundering patriarchy and taking back the stolen gold to women's land. With a homage to Mary Daly :-)
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