Personal reflection and topic switch...My heart still aches

So I haven't shared in a while about my infertility journey. Since the last failed attempt which depleted all of our insurance money we have done nothing in regards to medical treatments. I should have gone in to get some more medication because I again did not get my period naturally because of the PCOS, but have chosen to wait it out a bit longer to see if eventually my body will kick itself back into normal flow (pun intended)

So yesterday I went to purchase a baby gift for a friend who just had a baby. I had one moment way back when I first began infertility treatments where I did seriously want to punch every pregnant woman in the face, but since that time I have put my emotions in check and do not see red when a pregnant woman walks by. Although, on a side note does it seem like when you are hurting about something or wanting something you see it everywhere. Andrew and I went to the movie the other weekend and I think literally not exaggerating I counted 15 pregnant women. They were probably all going to see the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" but still... can a lady grieve with out seeing what she can't have come on...

Anyway back to my story...I was over joyed for my friend because she too struggled with infertility and IVF was successful for her. Her pregnancy was really difficult (later I found out the delivery was difficult too). Nothing about having babies is easy and it truly is a wonderful miracle. So I purchased the gift a little outfit, blanket, and stuffed toy. Looked around at all the other cute, practical, and ridiculous things I could purchase. I paid for the items and as I left this overwhelming feeling of loss, defeat, and emptiness came billowing over me. I got to my car and had to just sit there and allow myself to sob and feel every bit of this very painful and emotional moment.

I have been trying to stay away from the "why" questions with God and have been trying to ask the hows, whats, whens, and even whos...but in this moment of total brokenness I began to ask the whys again and then added some will I evers too.

After the really good cry and some heated discussions with God I wiped my tears took a very deep breath and put together the gift for my friend in the really cute coordinating bag I had purchased to place all the little baby items in.

Infertility truly is a very difficult journey. I think I went into the entire process with very high expectations maybe a bit unrealistic, but I thought I was justified in what I had hoped and thought. Every person I personally knew had been successful in their infertility treatments whether that was IUI or IVF or any other combination of a lot of things. I don't think I even really thought that it wouldn't work. Its been a very tough road receiving call after call telling me sorry you did not get the results we were hoping for. Having the doctor call me countless times to tell me we don't have any real explanation for you as to why this is not working.

I wake up each day and each day is different. Does having children or not having children define a person? What if you want them and you can't how do you explain that to not so nice (even if well intentioned) people? Why is it every time I see someone I haven't seen in a while their first question is always do you have any children and when I say no there is this disappointment on their faces? They don't know my story or what I have been through, and even in the same breath what if I didn't want to have children and this was the choice that my partner and I have made. Am I really less with out children? No women we are not less, I may feel empty and hurt because I do want children, but I am not less...