Monday, August 23, 2010

Personal reflection and topic switch...My heart still aches

So I haven't shared in a while about my infertility journey. Since the last failed attempt which depleted all of our insurance money we have done nothing in regards to medical treatments. I should have gone in to get some more medication because I again did not get my period naturally because of the PCOS, but have chosen to wait it out a bit longer to see if eventually my body will kick itself back into normal flow (pun intended)

So yesterday I went to purchase a baby gift for a friend who just had a baby. I had one moment way back when I first began infertility treatments where I did seriously want to punch every pregnant woman in the face, but since that time I have put my emotions in check and do not see red when a pregnant woman walks by. Although, on a side note does it seem like when you are hurting about something or wanting something you see it everywhere. Andrew and I went to the movie the other weekend and I think literally not exaggerating I counted 15 pregnant women. They were probably all going to see the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" but still... can a lady grieve with out seeing what she can't have come on...

Anyway back to my story...I was over joyed for my friend because she too struggled with infertility and IVF was successful for her. Her pregnancy was really difficult (later I found out the delivery was difficult too). Nothing about having babies is easy and it truly is a wonderful miracle. So I purchased the gift a little outfit, blanket, and stuffed toy. Looked around at all the other cute, practical, and ridiculous things I could purchase. I paid for the items and as I left this overwhelming feeling of loss, defeat, and emptiness came billowing over me. I got to my car and had to just sit there and allow myself to sob and feel every bit of this very painful and emotional moment.

I have been trying to stay away from the "why" questions with God and have been trying to ask the hows, whats, whens, and even whos...but in this moment of total brokenness I began to ask the whys again and then added some will I evers too.

After the really good cry and some heated discussions with God I wiped my tears took a very deep breath and put together the gift for my friend in the really cute coordinating bag I had purchased to place all the little baby items in.

Infertility truly is a very difficult journey. I think I went into the entire process with very high expectations maybe a bit unrealistic, but I thought I was justified in what I had hoped and thought. Every person I personally knew had been successful in their infertility treatments whether that was IUI or IVF or any other combination of a lot of things. I don't think I even really thought that it wouldn't work. Its been a very tough road receiving call after call telling me sorry you did not get the results we were hoping for. Having the doctor call me countless times to tell me we don't have any real explanation for you as to why this is not working.

I wake up each day and each day is different. Does having children or not having children define a person? What if you want them and you can't how do you explain that to not so nice (even if well intentioned) people? Why is it every time I see someone I haven't seen in a while their first question is always do you have any children and when I say no there is this disappointment on their faces? They don't know my story or what I have been through, and even in the same breath what if I didn't want to have children and this was the choice that my partner and I have made. Am I really less with out children? No women we are not less, I may feel empty and hurt because I do want children, but I am not less...

6 comments:

Super Spy For Jesus said...

Brenda, Thank you for always sharing from the heart and where you are really at. I really appreciate that. I think you hit on something- As women so often we say we don't want to define ourselves through marriage or children. So I wonder- why does it seem like so many women sort of wander around until they have those things. Then it is like a sigh of relief that they finally have some focus and definition. However, I feel like the Lord knits it all together to make us into the people that he wants us to be. Marriage, children they may be a part of the plan. However, they are only part of the journey. He has known since the start of time the way he wants us to go. Really- what should define us is our relationship with our Creator. Then all the other pieces they become part of us. But - they should never define us. Not even the ones that we love most. So children or no children- God already knew. But- you are so right. That is not what defines you.

Anonymous said...

Bren

You are an amazing person and I am proud to be your friend.

Love you lots

Wendy
xxxxxx

April said...

I am one of those women with failed treatment and not great reasons "why" it didn't work. It's heartbreaking.

I'm grateful to see your journey moving you toward growth and healing and understanding - even step by step. I SEE IT!

Thanks for your post and excitement about our babies. This is not the end for you (or me)...

Rachel said...

Brenda I have no words but it felt wrong just to read your entry and not respond in some way. I am so so sorry that you're going through all this. Of course you are not less. But I guess that doesn't stop the pain.

Sarah@EmergingMummy said...

You know, one of your questions here really struck me. Does having children (or not) define you? I would say no. And that's as someone that has been profoundly changed by my process of miscarriage, sorrow, carrying, birthing and now parenting my children. I would say that it SHAPES you, one way or another. it messes with you, it changes you, it is part of your story but it doesn't define you. It's a struggle as a woman, isn't it? Not to define ourselves by our roles - wife, daughter, mother, madonna-whore etc. But the beauty of the Gospel is partly that we are invited into a relationship without labels other than "beloved." And you are. Thank you for writing from your heart. Love to you always.

Brenda S. Marin said...

All thank you so much for your encouraging words, prayers, and stories.

Sarah@Emergingmummy thank you for your wisdom and insight. I wish so much that we could meet in person and be closer. I would love to just listen to you speak. Your words go straight to my heart and soul.

Leneita (Super Spy For Jesus) thank for your challenges and for knowing me so well. I love that we are walking together in our friendship and lives...

Wendy Love you too dear friend and I know your prayers and thoughts are with us as ours are with you and your family.

April I love being a part of your story even though our relationship has been short and we have never met in person I feel so connected to you and rejoice in all that the Lord is doing! I am praying for your babie, Baby A and Baby T. I can't wait for pictures and to read about all the new adventures you will have with your children. Our God is awesome.

Rachel thank you for your comments and being here in this place with me. Thank you for being a woman with me and encouraging me to know that I am not less, but to also be okay with feeling the pain.

Thank you all...