Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Negative Again...Oh God please give me strength and understanding as to WHY

As many of you know my husband and I have been on a very long, painful, lonely, confusing, and emotional journey of infertility. We attempted a third IVF try, second full IVF cycle try, and it came back negative again for the pregnancy test. This time we were able to transfer what the doctors called two excellent eight celled fertilized eggs and everyone thought this would be it. I felt 1000 times different from the last transfer and I really felt that my prayers and all those that were believing with my husband and I would be answered. Unfortunately, although confused and very angry, I am trying to understand and be confident that God has a perfect plan for my husband and I. He knows our desires and He will one day open the door to parenthood for us. I don't know when that will be or how it will be. As I have stated on this blog many times before I want so bad to feel everything that there is to being a mother and part of that is having life grow inside of me and giving birth to our baby.

I don't have answers for why this did not happen again. I don't know why God has not blessed us with a child, but what I do know is that I must continue to lean on Him for comfort and strength to try and take one step at a time and wake up one day at a time. This too is a healing process, I guess you could say its a grieving process. I am going to let myself heal. I can't even express the deep emotional pain that I am feeling. There are no words right now...

As for what we are going to do next. We have exhausted all of our insurance money. Well we have about $300 left in our lifetime cap of $20,000. This year and half of trying Clomid, an IUI, and three (two full cycle) IVFs has drained everything that my insurance package allows. The cost without insurance is around $10,000 plus the cost of medication which is about $5,000 for a total of around $15,000 for one round of IVF. I am really thankful that I had the insurance amount even if it is now falling short. The reason I was able to have all of the attempts is because of the contracted rates that my insurance company pays to the Doctors and Hospital. If we only had to pay the contracted rates then maybe we could attempt again....

Right now we are both discussing our options and praying. Please continue to pray with us. I believe our God is a God of miracles still to this day and He can bless us with a miracle...

Thank you for all your prayers, thoughts, and encouragement.

9 comments:

April said...

B&A,
I'm sooooo sorry, and am heart broken with you. It's the most painful experience, and I'm so sad that you'd had to walk this road.

One of my mentors along my infertility journey said that my questions needed to change from "why God?" to "what God?" I didn't like her response, but it helped move me into a better place of transformation and healing.

Know that I grieve with you and hope the best for you! In the words of another friend "this is not the end..."
Much Love,
April

PS. thanks for the comment today on our blog!

Stephanie said...

Hi Brenda. I'm a new reader (came over from Emerging Mummy), but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your heartbreak.

I just prayed for you.

stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

Super Spy For Jesus said...

Brenda,

I'm sorry, just sounds so hollow. But, as you grieve that it isn't happening the way you thought, may God just lift you up and love on you. He weeps with us in our sorrow (see the death of Lazarus). Even when he knows he has the plan in check- he grieves our heartache of this broken world.

Sarah@EmergingMummy said...

Darling girl, no words. I have no words but please know deep, deep prayers for you and your husband. Prayers, prayers, prayers.

Rachel said...

oh brenda how utterly utterly grim for you both. am so sorry.

GinnyO said...

Brenda - I'm so sorry. Words fail, but prayers continue.

Jon Trouten said...

I'm so sorry, Brenda.

A former co-worker and his wife were in a similar situation to yours. They went through their lifetime IVF cap without success. They ended up adopting two handsome boys, one was in his late teens and the other was a young toddler.

You and Andrew will figure out something. God will provide. I'll keep you in my prayers. -Jon

kdana said...

praying along with you and holding you up in prayer when you feel like you just can't cry out any more. if there is anything i can do...just let me know. As you said in your last blog, God has a perfect Plan A. Wow, what a scary and difficul thought as I know that our Plan F, G, H is usually God's plan a. it may take a while, but when our plans are aligned with His what amazing things will happen. Hang in there and again, if you need anythinnnnnggg...

Brenda S. Marin said...

Thank you everyone who has read this blog and said a prayer for us during this time. Thank you to those who left your words on this post. It is a great comfort to know there are those who are praying and standing with you during these great valleys and mighty storms. The pain is great but the power of our Lord is even greater! Please continue to pray with us as we figure out the next steps forward.