Monday, May 24, 2010

Anxiety - Pain - Anticipation - Negative

Where do I even begin...

Andrew and I went through with the first IVF procedure. On Mother's Day, which I thought was an awesome gift from God, I went in for the retrieval procedure. I didn't know what to expect and was quite nervous. I have been quite fortunate to not have many surgeries or even any hospital stays. In fact, the only surgery I really ever had was having my wisdom teeth removed (all four impacted). Anyway, my heart was racing as I was filled with some anxiety over what was about to happen. It was racing so fast that they had to postpone for a bit until I was able to calm myself down. I began to relax as much as I could and my heart rate came down. I was wheeled into the procedure room where they began the retrieval. I was told that it shouldn't hurt and if it did to let the anesthesiologist know and they would give me more drugs. Right away I could feel the pain and told them it hurt. They put more medication into my IV. Only a short bit after that I informed them again that it hurt quite a bit and they put even more into my IV. The second dose put me out completely. I remember the anesthesiologist rubbing my hand and saying its going to be okay just hold on and we will put in some more medication.

I woke up in a daze still in the procedure room. One of the doctors gave me my first progesterone shot and then they wheeled me back to the recovery area. I slept for a bit on and off and then they gave me juice and crackers and Andrew was brought back. He said I looked yellow and awful. I felt awful. The pain in my stomach was terrible and I was incredible nauseous. The doctor who performed the surgery came in to apologize with how difficult it was because apparently my ovaries were had to get at and they really had to put some effort into it. He said I would probably be quite sore (yeah he was not kidding). They were able to remove 14 eggs. Andrew took me home where I threw up from the medications. Andrew was a dear and had to clean it up. I laid all day with a heating pad on my stomach. I stayed home from work on Monday and wished I had stayed home on Tuesday too because of the pain. We received a call from the doctor's office which said of the 14 eggs removed, 11 were mature enough, and 10 fertilized. I was so excited!

On Wednesday, May 12th we went in for the implant procedure. It was quite easy like a pap smear. I would do that 1,000 times over and hoped to never ever have to do the retrieval again. The doctor who did the implant told me that my eggs were a mish mash of qaulity and that the two they were implanting were the best of the bunch. He graded them an A-/B+. Hey thats better than average right?!? Andrew and I after the procedure went to a movie "Date Night" and then home to rest. I stayed home from work on Thursday to rest as well. Andrew has been taking incredible care of me. He hasn't been scared at all about giving me the shots in the butt every night. Those progesterone shots are awful, but I will do anything for the baby(babies) we may have...

Friday I attempted to go to work but needed to leave half way through because of the pain I was still feeling. I took the rest of the day to rest and then did very little over the weekend. I was with my parents because Andrew had to go out of town. Lets just say my parents were not as good at giving shots as Andrew, but again its okay...I kept telling myself it would be worth it...

On Saturday, May 15th I received a call from my doctor's office letting me know that none of the remaining eight fertilized eggs made it and we would not be freezing any. I thought at the time that is okay because I know I am pregnant with one or two babies...

On Saturday May 22nd I went in for the pregnancy test. I was feeling so confident. We and so many others had been praying for this miracle and this or these lives. I was soooo happy. I even bought Andrew a congrats you're a daddy gift. I just knew for sure that they were going to call to tell me the test was positive. Andrew and I felt like this was going to be a life changing time and moment. He unfortunately was in CA for work, but thats okay we were going to celebrate when he came home...

The call came in about 1pm with the news. It was negative. I was not pregnant. I know doctor's offices have to just give you the facts but the cold delivery was devastating. My heart felt like in that moment it was ripped out of my body kicked around stomped on and put back in bruised and in pieces. Why, why can't I have children naturally, I don't smoke, I only drink maybe once or twice a year, I am healthy, I am strong...Why would IVF not work for me, why would we come this far, use up so much time and finances to hear the words the test was negative. I am trying to understand the lesson I am to learn from our Lord. I still praise him for my family and friends which have given so much support, but I am human and I have to ask why.

So today I am trying to learn what it means to lean on our Lord even when I don't understand His plan or His outcome right now. I am trying to be confident in knowing His plan is divine for my and Andrew's life. I am trying to learn to be faithful and lean on His wisdom and plan for my life.

Andrew and I have not yet talked about our next steps, but I am confident it will be based in prayer and love between Andrew, myself, and our Lord.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We really need them at this time :)

4 comments:

Bethany Patrice said...

Brenda, I am praying for you. I admire your trust even in the midst of your questions.

April said...

Brenda, I've just been praying for your heart and healing since Saturday. I'm so VERY sorry.It sucks beyond belief. I'm glad that my blog has been a little helpful. If ever you wanna talk, I'm available.

kdana said...

Oh my word. tears...i don't even know what to say or how to encourage you at this point. I can't imagine all that you have gone through and then to get that news, or how you must feel. All I can offer is prayer and support in any way you need it! Hang in there and let me know if there is anything i can do

Susan said...

Brenda,
I have never met you...I just stumbled across your blog through your husband's blog which I stumbled across through a mutual Facebook friend. But I have traveled the road of infertility, and I know how it feels to desperately want to be a mom. I experienced a lot of disappointment and even anger wanting to have children and cried many, many tears. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (if I had any!) I would encourage you to continue to seek God and trust in His plan. He IS good and faithful. Our journey led us to adopt two of the most wonderful kids in the world, both domestically and both as newborns. My son, 9, and my daughter, 3, are the joy and light of my life! I wouldn't change a thing!

I'm not saying this is God's plan for you. I have friends for whom fertility treatment has worked, and friends for whom adoption is the way they have built their families. Both are wonderful miracles! I just wanted to say that I have walked in similar shoes...keep hoping and trusting!
Susan