This may be one of the most difficult posts I will write. I have not shared in a while where Andrew and I are at in the journey of our infertility. Maybe its because so many things have changed in my life that set me into a bit of a tail spin. Being laid off, trying to figure out my next steps, discovering who I am as a professional, and as a woman. I have been learning that although I state that my identity has been in Christ the reality is that my identity really was wrapped up in so many other areas. Now that so much of my identity has been stripped away I know my security was in the things which defined who I was; my career, my family, my ability to have a baby, my education, and my dreams/aspirations.
It is so easy to state that your trust and identity is fully in Christ when everything seems to line up perfectly within the expectations of your cultural norms. In my case that means having a great education, being on the fast track for my career, and of course one day being the super mommy which produces the perfect 2.1 kids (is that the statistic for the States?...still not sure about the .1%). I so arrogantly stated that of course I trust in God and his call on my life. Of course I listen to the Voice of God and the calling placed upon me. How proud I was when I spoke into others lives about challenging them to have the same faith which I possessed. The same "God connection" which I had.
I am sorry...Not only for being so arrogant in my faith and declaration of having a Christ centered life, but that it took being so stripped from everything which I felt was my security in defining who I was and my success as a person (which was quite far from a Christ-centered measurement). It is a humbling place to have to look in the mirror and realize that you no longer are the person you thought you were or were going to be. That you no longer have all of the accolades which gave you a buffer from the realities of this world. People ask me all the time, what do you do, how many children do you have, when are you going to have children? I used to have very confident "Christ-woman-centered-perfect" answers for these questions. Now I stumble and struggle to give an answer to any of the above questions...
But, thankfully we serve a God who allows us to learn in all circumstances. Whose Grace is greater then anything which I gave to myself and in many cases those around me. I am a work in progress. I am learning to be a Christ centered person...I am trying.
I have no answers other then that I am a broken woman, a perfect and tarnished child of God. I can't have children (at least not right now-I do believe in a God of great miracles too). We are considering adopting. I will write more about our process to adoption in posts to come...
I will end with this quickly... We are looking to adopt. This has been a long road and a very painful process. I had to become fully whole again as a person and especially as a woman before I could come to a place where adoption was a wonderful and natural choice for me to make. Andrew was already and always on board, but I was not. My heart is full, not healed, but full and whole. We can't wait to love a child and become the most awesome parents.
I want to encourage young women who find themselves in a situation where keeping their baby may not be the best option, I say this with the deepest and most compassionate heart, please consider adoption. There are many people in this world like Andrew and I who would love to adopt a baby. Who will care for your child as if it was their own. Who have come a long way to understand the gift a baby is and the miracle for which that baby comes. Most importantly we understand the sacrifice and the many paths this life journey takes each of us.
A recovering broken soul :)