Monday, January 4, 2010

Life is a roller coaster - but I would like a lazy river about now

So I know that life is a roller coaster with its ups and downs, but sometimes I wish for brief moments in ones life you could have a lazy river. Andrew and I were on the "fertility" roller coaster this last week or so. I had been put on a more consistent amount of injections since I did not react well enough to the lower more spaced out injection regiment.

On a side note I am still feeling really anxious every time I go to give myself an injection. This is just so out of the ordinary and I have a new found respect for those that have to do this on a more consistent basis. My thoughts are with you...I am sure it just eventually becomes part of your routine, but seriously how abnormal is it to stick yourself with a needle...this is truly a psychological battle as well as a physical one...

Okay back to what is happening...We went in several times this past week or so for internal ultrasounds and blood work. Every time the news seems positive and the results from the procedures where showing good follicle growth, great lining numbers, and good hormone levels :) Even the nurses were predicting that I would be in for our first insemination (IUI) on Monday!

Andrew and i were thrilled, a little nervous with anticipation, we counted out the months to when our baby (or babies) would be born. We talked about how our lives would change and how exciting it would be...we even talked about if this first IUI did not work how we would cope with our emotions and be there for one another, but all in all we were so excited that we were going to finally have the chance to try! All this time of trying to figure out what medications would work for me and we seem to have found it!!!!

On Saturday, Andrew and I got up and once again traveled to Northwestern Memorial Hospital (okay I make it sound really long but its just a short drive on Lake Shore Drive). We went through again another internal ultrasound and did blood work. The nurse again looked at the ultrasound pictures and said that you have follicles measuring over 16mm which means it looks really good for the IUI (this is the first time since I started all of this in June that we had follicles that measured correctly). Wow we are really really going to do this...our conversation from the last paragraph only intensified...

We called our families to let them know the good news...although something inside of me (maybe its been all the disappointments in the past) told me to be cautiously optimistic...

And here comes the drop...The doctor called and said that he had some good news and bad news...The good news is that my ovaries are finally reacting to medications the bad news is that my ovaries are like a Ferrari the go 0-90 and nothing less, but require high stimulus to even get started...Which means in his opinion (oh and I am not sure I have mentioned this but I have one of the best doctors in the field thanks to a miracle in getting him to see me) that I am not a good candidate for the IUI procedures...He says that with your condition and the reactions you have had on the medications the only medically successful procedure he feels would give us the best chance is IVF.

My heart sank, I felt like I got punched in the gut with a bag full of bricks. I wish I could explain better how much it hurt to be so high and then fall so quickly...The worst was then having to call our family and give them the news. Some reactions were good some not so good, but I guess that is what happens I guess all reactions are normal.

So pray for Andrew and I as we try to decide what the Lord would like us to do...We have a little time to make any decisions as I now have to wait for this cycle to end, go back on birth control to re-normalize myself, take an IVF class at the end of February beginning of March and then figure out what we are going to do...

We both desperately want a baby (or babies) that is of Andrew and I...Lord please hear the desire of my heart...help me to remain faithful to your plan...and understand your will

5 comments:

Bethany Patrice said...

Brenda, I found your blog through Sharon's and I hope you don't mind me peeking in. I will be praying for you and Andrew this week. You are strong, and your heart is pure, and because your motivation is to honor the Lord, He will honor you by giving you wisdom. I love you like another sister, and I will certainly be praying for this journey.

Kelly Weinberg said...

Still praying for you Brenda!! God has a plan!

Judith and Lance said...

Brenda -- the only thing I can tell you is to continue to be FAITHFUL to what you know God wants you to do and what you are both comfortable with. Lance and I went through 2 unsuccessful IUI's and both times I was devestated, thankfully Lance was a HUGE strength to me and was so supportive during that time. God used him to help me to continue to be faithful to what He had promised me about having children and then a month later we were pregnant WITHOUT the drugs after 2.5 years of trying. So crazy, but SO worth every shed tear and we were so relieved we were faithful to what God had told us to do. Please know I'm going to put you on my prayer list and really intercede on your behalf.

April said...

The roller coaster is so hard! I get the good news/bad news stuff. So traumatic. Praying for you & Andrew...

kdana said...

Brenda, my heart breaks for you! i can't help but cry reading your blog as I know all too well what you are going through and it is the most difficult thing you will probably ever have to conquer. Wish I could give you encouragement, but if you are anything like me unless you are hearing the words "You are Pregnant" encouragement doesn't really do much. But I will tell you that even though we don't know eachother all that well I am totally here if you EVER want to talk or vent. It helped me a lot to talk to someone that could relate. And, if you do the IVF route, or have questions about it or want an outsiders experience, call me! 417.343.2465 or email kimberlyanndana@yahoo.com. praying for you...promise you that much.