So I was driving home and really needing some encouragement. I am terrified of the days a head and feeling empty through the process. Thankfully our God is amazing and uses everything at all times. As I was driving the following song by Casting Crowns came on the radio. I started to sob and sing out loud praising our Lord and Savior for everything in all situations. Our Lord is...
"Praise You in the Storm" Casting Crowns:
I was sure by now, God, that you would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and its' still raining as the thunder rolls I barely here You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus: And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm.
I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You and raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away
Chorus: And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've creid You hold in Your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Chorus: And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm...
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
How do you include others when you are overwhelmed
So I am learning that through this process I am becoming all consumed by my feelings and seem to be falling deeper and deeper into my own black hole. Personally I am one who is quite private and the thought of being vulnerable and emotional is very scary and quite foreign to me. That being said I need help because going through infertility has changed everything in my life. I feel almost as if things have been turned upside down and around and around. Since I am not one to deal with emotions well in the first place...or maybe its not that I don't deal with emotions well it may be that I have been able to remain a pretty even tempered person. Whether good or bad i don't get overly joyed at things and don't feel a lot of deep sorrow at sad things. I guess with emotions I take one moment, one day at a time. (however I am a big dreamer and like to think about and plan my future)
So all this to say that I am really struggling with all of the feelings I have been having to the point that I have become judgemental in areas that normally I would have been able to rationally work through on my own. The ability to internally dialogue (okay not in a weird way) with myself seems to be totally turned off...
I feel alone, I feel empty, I feel inadequate, I feel weak, but in the same moment I feel strong, for those that have been here no matter the choices you made moving forward how did you learn to share your feelings with those around you who care for you and how did you help them understand what you are going through so they could be in these moments with you?
So all this to say that I am really struggling with all of the feelings I have been having to the point that I have become judgemental in areas that normally I would have been able to rationally work through on my own. The ability to internally dialogue (okay not in a weird way) with myself seems to be totally turned off...
I feel alone, I feel empty, I feel inadequate, I feel weak, but in the same moment I feel strong, for those that have been here no matter the choices you made moving forward how did you learn to share your feelings with those around you who care for you and how did you help them understand what you are going through so they could be in these moments with you?
Monday, January 4, 2010
Life is a roller coaster - but I would like a lazy river about now
So I know that life is a roller coaster with its ups and downs, but sometimes I wish for brief moments in ones life you could have a lazy river. Andrew and I were on the "fertility" roller coaster this last week or so. I had been put on a more consistent amount of injections since I did not react well enough to the lower more spaced out injection regiment.
On a side note I am still feeling really anxious every time I go to give myself an injection. This is just so out of the ordinary and I have a new found respect for those that have to do this on a more consistent basis. My thoughts are with you...I am sure it just eventually becomes part of your routine, but seriously how abnormal is it to stick yourself with a needle...this is truly a psychological battle as well as a physical one...
Okay back to what is happening...We went in several times this past week or so for internal ultrasounds and blood work. Every time the news seems positive and the results from the procedures where showing good follicle growth, great lining numbers, and good hormone levels :) Even the nurses were predicting that I would be in for our first insemination (IUI) on Monday!
Andrew and i were thrilled, a little nervous with anticipation, we counted out the months to when our baby (or babies) would be born. We talked about how our lives would change and how exciting it would be...we even talked about if this first IUI did not work how we would cope with our emotions and be there for one another, but all in all we were so excited that we were going to finally have the chance to try! All this time of trying to figure out what medications would work for me and we seem to have found it!!!!
On Saturday, Andrew and I got up and once again traveled to Northwestern Memorial Hospital (okay I make it sound really long but its just a short drive on Lake Shore Drive). We went through again another internal ultrasound and did blood work. The nurse again looked at the ultrasound pictures and said that you have follicles measuring over 16mm which means it looks really good for the IUI (this is the first time since I started all of this in June that we had follicles that measured correctly). Wow we are really really going to do this...our conversation from the last paragraph only intensified...
We called our families to let them know the good news...although something inside of me (maybe its been all the disappointments in the past) told me to be cautiously optimistic...
And here comes the drop...The doctor called and said that he had some good news and bad news...The good news is that my ovaries are finally reacting to medications the bad news is that my ovaries are like a Ferrari the go 0-90 and nothing less, but require high stimulus to even get started...Which means in his opinion (oh and I am not sure I have mentioned this but I have one of the best doctors in the field thanks to a miracle in getting him to see me) that I am not a good candidate for the IUI procedures...He says that with your condition and the reactions you have had on the medications the only medically successful procedure he feels would give us the best chance is IVF.
My heart sank, I felt like I got punched in the gut with a bag full of bricks. I wish I could explain better how much it hurt to be so high and then fall so quickly...The worst was then having to call our family and give them the news. Some reactions were good some not so good, but I guess that is what happens I guess all reactions are normal.
So pray for Andrew and I as we try to decide what the Lord would like us to do...We have a little time to make any decisions as I now have to wait for this cycle to end, go back on birth control to re-normalize myself, take an IVF class at the end of February beginning of March and then figure out what we are going to do...
We both desperately want a baby (or babies) that is of Andrew and I...Lord please hear the desire of my heart...help me to remain faithful to your plan...and understand your will
On a side note I am still feeling really anxious every time I go to give myself an injection. This is just so out of the ordinary and I have a new found respect for those that have to do this on a more consistent basis. My thoughts are with you...I am sure it just eventually becomes part of your routine, but seriously how abnormal is it to stick yourself with a needle...this is truly a psychological battle as well as a physical one...
Okay back to what is happening...We went in several times this past week or so for internal ultrasounds and blood work. Every time the news seems positive and the results from the procedures where showing good follicle growth, great lining numbers, and good hormone levels :) Even the nurses were predicting that I would be in for our first insemination (IUI) on Monday!
Andrew and i were thrilled, a little nervous with anticipation, we counted out the months to when our baby (or babies) would be born. We talked about how our lives would change and how exciting it would be...we even talked about if this first IUI did not work how we would cope with our emotions and be there for one another, but all in all we were so excited that we were going to finally have the chance to try! All this time of trying to figure out what medications would work for me and we seem to have found it!!!!
On Saturday, Andrew and I got up and once again traveled to Northwestern Memorial Hospital (okay I make it sound really long but its just a short drive on Lake Shore Drive). We went through again another internal ultrasound and did blood work. The nurse again looked at the ultrasound pictures and said that you have follicles measuring over 16mm which means it looks really good for the IUI (this is the first time since I started all of this in June that we had follicles that measured correctly). Wow we are really really going to do this...our conversation from the last paragraph only intensified...
We called our families to let them know the good news...although something inside of me (maybe its been all the disappointments in the past) told me to be cautiously optimistic...
And here comes the drop...The doctor called and said that he had some good news and bad news...The good news is that my ovaries are finally reacting to medications the bad news is that my ovaries are like a Ferrari the go 0-90 and nothing less, but require high stimulus to even get started...Which means in his opinion (oh and I am not sure I have mentioned this but I have one of the best doctors in the field thanks to a miracle in getting him to see me) that I am not a good candidate for the IUI procedures...He says that with your condition and the reactions you have had on the medications the only medically successful procedure he feels would give us the best chance is IVF.
My heart sank, I felt like I got punched in the gut with a bag full of bricks. I wish I could explain better how much it hurt to be so high and then fall so quickly...The worst was then having to call our family and give them the news. Some reactions were good some not so good, but I guess that is what happens I guess all reactions are normal.
So pray for Andrew and I as we try to decide what the Lord would like us to do...We have a little time to make any decisions as I now have to wait for this cycle to end, go back on birth control to re-normalize myself, take an IVF class at the end of February beginning of March and then figure out what we are going to do...
We both desperately want a baby (or babies) that is of Andrew and I...Lord please hear the desire of my heart...help me to remain faithful to your plan...and understand your will
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