So I am learning that through this process I am becoming all consumed by my feelings and seem to be falling deeper and deeper into my own black hole. Personally I am one who is quite private and the thought of being vulnerable and emotional is very scary and quite foreign to me. That being said I need help because going through infertility has changed everything in my life. I feel almost as if things have been turned upside down and around and around. Since I am not one to deal with emotions well in the first place...or maybe its not that I don't deal with emotions well it may be that I have been able to remain a pretty even tempered person. Whether good or bad i don't get overly joyed at things and don't feel a lot of deep sorrow at sad things. I guess with emotions I take one moment, one day at a time. (however I am a big dreamer and like to think about and plan my future)
So all this to say that I am really struggling with all of the feelings I have been having to the point that I have become judgemental in areas that normally I would have been able to rationally work through on my own. The ability to internally dialogue (okay not in a weird way) with myself seems to be totally turned off...
I feel alone, I feel empty, I feel inadequate, I feel weak, but in the same moment I feel strong, for those that have been here no matter the choices you made moving forward how did you learn to share your feelings with those around you who care for you and how did you help them understand what you are going through so they could be in these moments with you?
3 comments:
Oh Brenda, this breaks my heart, reliving those heart wrenching moments when I felt so alone and like the ONLY woman on the entire Earth who couldn't bear children. To answer your question, I didn't invite people in, I politely asked my closest and dearest friends to not bring it up unless I brought it up, even those people who had gone through it before. Sometimes if someone would ask me about it, it would just set me off and I wanted to punch them or run away so the only way I knew to cope was to ask them to let me talk about it when I wanted to, a bit selfish, yes, but what I had to do nonetheless. I did have one person that I would call, she was my pastor's wife when we lived in Houston and she had experienced the same thing and she would grieve and just listen to me talk. It was nice b/c she was far away and I could call her whenever I wanted and just go on and on and I felt like she always understood and I wouldn't have to face her after bearing everything to her. I also wrote a LOT of angry pages in my journal to God, calling out to Him, pleading with Him to give me a child, so upset that He had not done it yet. Thankfully He was faithful to respond in spite of temper tantrums. If you ever need to talk please call me. I can email my number to you if you'd like. Praying for you.
Brenda, your words are so honest and raw and real. I applaud you for writing them down, however scary. Blogging for me has been so helpful to articulate my fears. I don't know if there's anyone who will ever understand the depths of your personal pain because it's just yours. That said, there are those like me who've walked similar journeys who will understand some of your pain. Don't feel responsible for others understanding. Some will. The only thing you are to be responsible for is faithfully journeying through the dark and inviting others into it.
Privately for me, I don't know how I would have survived these past nearly 3 years without my man and closest girlfriends. Without them, I fear my soul would have shriveled and gone cold.
I hope that makes sense and helps one iota. Much love...
I wish I could offer an easy remedy for you to make it through, but it's just hard. I felt totally blessed that the day before our first appointment with the fertility specialist (we had already received our test results and been told that our chances of conceiving naturally were about 1 in a million) God brought an old family friend into my life who had been through IVF as well. She was the one person who I truly vented to because she understood. Unfortunately, I had some close close friends who were very vocally judgemental of the decision to do IVF which made me not want to talk to anyone about it, (except my one friend who had been there.) I can remember not wanting to even go out in public because every time I saw a pregnant woman, I was just angry. I dreaded phone calls from my married friends for fear they were tell me they were pregnant. I had never experienced that kind of pain in my life. The best advice I can offer is to find someone who's been through the process too and use her to vent to. I never was able to share much about the process we went through until we were coming out on the other side. Just know that people will never stop saying stupid things, because if they didn't have to struggle to conceive, they just don't know. Find a support person and lean on her. If you ever need someone to vent to, feel free to e-mail me. (meganlee1221@hotmail.com) Your mom and dad prayed for David and I the week our IVF started, and since I stumbled across your blog, you've been weighing on my heart. If I can help in any way, let me know. Praying for strength for you through this and the baby that you will have when it's all over which will make it all worth it!
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