Judge me if you wish - However, know that this world is not black and white

Sorry this is long...

We have decided to begin the process of IVF as all other infertility treatments have not been successful or based on my condition and reaction to the medications I was not a candidate for certain procedures. I think it is important for me to outline my thought process for those who either are going through infertility, may have to face infertility issues, or have never been in this position. There seems to be a black and white, right or wrong stance on this procedure depending on which article and/or voice one chooses to read or listen to. But we had to decide for ourselves within our faith and our morality where we stood and what IVF meant... So her it goes...

After many days, months of prayer and research my very realistic and practical brain has come to the following conclusions which I feel align perfectly with my very spiritual and faithful heart.

I believe that life begins at conception, but what is conception? I believe that our Lord and Savior have granted many with minds, wisdom, knowledge and expertise which create great doctors that assist us in various medical areas. That being said the overall umbrella debate over IVF and faith (from my research) is the theory of believing that the doctor is somehow playing "god" through the IVF process. However, as I read those with varying view points a couple of items become very clear: 1. Most of the authors writing opinions had a political, religious, and/or medical agenda and 2. The majority of those against IVF had not experienced the actual process of IVF.

So what is IVF as a process and how does it align with my internal and moral belief that life begins at conception? I must admit I wasn't certain I would find an answer and was at peace that we may not choose IVF.

Fundamentally, I think we must ask ourselves the most basic of questions, what is conception? Conception is the meeting of the egg and sperm in a woman's womb. All three aspects must be present in order for life to begin and exist.

How amazing is our God that there is something so incredible, miraculous, invisible that medical science can not recreate, it can assist like any other procedure/surgery/therapy but ultimately it is up to our Lord and Savior and his divine purpose to grant us life and healing.

So my practical brain then said how do we break down the process of IVF and conception. As stated above there are three equal parts (all for one-one for all) of pregnancy/conception: 1. the sperm 2. the egg and 3. the female womb. In order for life you must have all three. The natural way to create life is through the act of sexual intercourse between a man and a woman or the gateway/action to allow for the sperm, egg and womb to all meet. In the IVF process because of our infertility issues we require a different action or an outside act to allow for the sperm, egg and womb to meet. Our act is with the assistance of a specialized doctor. The process of IVF and the assistance of a medical doctor only gets conception and pregnancy 2/3's of the way to life the meeting of the sperm and egg in a lab. Therefore, there is no conception and there is no life because these two entities can not survive without the female and even when met together can not produce a life or a soul. Yes, it is true there is cell growth (or medically the beginning stages of splitting of cells), but this can only go so far before the split cells require a host to latch onto for life to begin requiring all the necessary nutrients for growth and sustainability.

There are plenty of "fear" articles which propagate an agenda about test tube babies or even let's say test tube animals as the reasons "Christians" or "devoutly religious people" should not do IVF. The bottom line is that medical science has never ever been successful with creating life without the aid of a female body either human or animal.

Conception to me and my faith is the moment life can begin the moment an egg and sperm are united in the womb of a mother whether that is through natural means (and for those who can get pregnant naturally and do not know the struggle please keep your judgements at bay) or through a little assistance by doctors. The only way for life to begin is with all three...

So pray for us as we embark on this new journey even if you do not agree. As this decision is not only a soul searching time it will also be an incredibly emotional and physical journey as well. The medications, appointments, and procedures are not easy and require a lot of strength, patience, and courage. Ultimately, we are at peace with our decision and are thankful to our Lord and Savior for opening the doors to an incredible doctor and we are confident that we will be blessed with a beautiful baby (or babies).

"Praise You in this Storm" Casting Crowns - My new comfort my new battle cry

So I was driving home and really needing some encouragement. I am terrified of the days a head and feeling empty through the process. Thankfully our God is amazing and uses everything at all times. As I was driving the following song by Casting Crowns came on the radio. I started to sob and sing out loud praising our Lord and Savior for everything in all situations. Our Lord is...

"Praise You in the Storm" Casting Crowns:
I was sure by now, God, that you would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and its' still raining as the thunder rolls I barely here You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus: And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You and raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

Chorus: And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've creid You hold in Your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus: And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm...

How do you include others when you are overwhelmed

So I am learning that through this process I am becoming all consumed by my feelings and seem to be falling deeper and deeper into my own black hole. Personally I am one who is quite private and the thought of being vulnerable and emotional is very scary and quite foreign to me. That being said I need help because going through infertility has changed everything in my life. I feel almost as if things have been turned upside down and around and around. Since I am not one to deal with emotions well in the first place...or maybe its not that I don't deal with emotions well it may be that I have been able to remain a pretty even tempered person. Whether good or bad i don't get overly joyed at things and don't feel a lot of deep sorrow at sad things. I guess with emotions I take one moment, one day at a time. (however I am a big dreamer and like to think about and plan my future)

So all this to say that I am really struggling with all of the feelings I have been having to the point that I have become judgemental in areas that normally I would have been able to rationally work through on my own. The ability to internally dialogue (okay not in a weird way) with myself seems to be totally turned off...

I feel alone, I feel empty, I feel inadequate, I feel weak, but in the same moment I feel strong, for those that have been here no matter the choices you made moving forward how did you learn to share your feelings with those around you who care for you and how did you help them understand what you are going through so they could be in these moments with you?

Life is a roller coaster - but I would like a lazy river about now

So I know that life is a roller coaster with its ups and downs, but sometimes I wish for brief moments in ones life you could have a lazy river. Andrew and I were on the "fertility" roller coaster this last week or so. I had been put on a more consistent amount of injections since I did not react well enough to the lower more spaced out injection regiment.

On a side note I am still feeling really anxious every time I go to give myself an injection. This is just so out of the ordinary and I have a new found respect for those that have to do this on a more consistent basis. My thoughts are with you...I am sure it just eventually becomes part of your routine, but seriously how abnormal is it to stick yourself with a needle...this is truly a psychological battle as well as a physical one...

Okay back to what is happening...We went in several times this past week or so for internal ultrasounds and blood work. Every time the news seems positive and the results from the procedures where showing good follicle growth, great lining numbers, and good hormone levels :) Even the nurses were predicting that I would be in for our first insemination (IUI) on Monday!

Andrew and i were thrilled, a little nervous with anticipation, we counted out the months to when our baby (or babies) would be born. We talked about how our lives would change and how exciting it would be...we even talked about if this first IUI did not work how we would cope with our emotions and be there for one another, but all in all we were so excited that we were going to finally have the chance to try! All this time of trying to figure out what medications would work for me and we seem to have found it!!!!

On Saturday, Andrew and I got up and once again traveled to Northwestern Memorial Hospital (okay I make it sound really long but its just a short drive on Lake Shore Drive). We went through again another internal ultrasound and did blood work. The nurse again looked at the ultrasound pictures and said that you have follicles measuring over 16mm which means it looks really good for the IUI (this is the first time since I started all of this in June that we had follicles that measured correctly). Wow we are really really going to do this...our conversation from the last paragraph only intensified...

We called our families to let them know the good news...although something inside of me (maybe its been all the disappointments in the past) told me to be cautiously optimistic...

And here comes the drop...The doctor called and said that he had some good news and bad news...The good news is that my ovaries are finally reacting to medications the bad news is that my ovaries are like a Ferrari the go 0-90 and nothing less, but require high stimulus to even get started...Which means in his opinion (oh and I am not sure I have mentioned this but I have one of the best doctors in the field thanks to a miracle in getting him to see me) that I am not a good candidate for the IUI procedures...He says that with your condition and the reactions you have had on the medications the only medically successful procedure he feels would give us the best chance is IVF.

My heart sank, I felt like I got punched in the gut with a bag full of bricks. I wish I could explain better how much it hurt to be so high and then fall so quickly...The worst was then having to call our family and give them the news. Some reactions were good some not so good, but I guess that is what happens I guess all reactions are normal.

So pray for Andrew and I as we try to decide what the Lord would like us to do...We have a little time to make any decisions as I now have to wait for this cycle to end, go back on birth control to re-normalize myself, take an IVF class at the end of February beginning of March and then figure out what we are going to do...

We both desperately want a baby (or babies) that is of Andrew and I...Lord please hear the desire of my heart...help me to remain faithful to your plan...and understand your will

Thank goodnes no Hallmark commercials

Have you noticed that they are not running all those sappy Hallmark commercials...Well I have to admit I am soooo grateful to whom ever in the marketing department at Hallmark decided that they should cut back on the commercial budget this year. I seem to be crying at everything, for those who know me well you can attest that I do not cry at very many things and emotions for me are something that I keep very close, but since taking all of this fertility medication I have been a sobbing fool :)

I cry at everything...commercials, cartoons, t.v. shows, movies, families enjoying the winter day, my family eating under the Christmas tree at the Walnut room (which we have been doing every year)...I mean this is ridiculous! So needless to say I have been really happy that the Hallmark commercials have been few and far between this year.

In addition to sobbing at anything and everything, I have felt a bit nauseous and achy again side effects from the drugs. I asked if this was normal and they told me its like PMSing but for longer and stronger. Oh and the hot flashes that I have been getting...I have a new found respect for women in menopause which I am thinking great I have to feel this way again in like 20 years or so (maybe less).

Please pray we are hoping for good news and the ability to start at least trying the process. So far all trials have come up negative and we have not even been given the chance to try any of the pregnancy procedures. I am still hoping for a New Years miracle and to be blessed with perfect angel(s).

I pray for this life (or lives) which I know the Lord will bless Andrew and I with, I pray for their future, I pray for their health, I pray for their development within me one day and when they come into this world. I pray for their protection from the harshness of what our world is becoming. I pray they will be like children and have dreams, wonderment, imaginations for as long as I can protect those beautiful characteristics. I pray for their mental health and well-being. I pray for Andrew and I to be wise and active parents. To appreciate each one of the little angels that God blesses us with for their uniqueness and gifts. To guide them, encourage them, support them, and love them unconditionally. To celebrate with them, know when to scold and punish, understand when to push them forward, and hold back. I am not even pregnant yet, but I know my Lord is faithful and their little lives are destine for great things no matter where they go. I love you my little angels...

Is it wrong to want to punch a pregnant woman in the face?

Okay not literally but maybe philosophically....Okay let me explain and this is more for those who may be going through a similar situation as my husband and I, those who may find themselves in this situation one day, and those who may know someone going through infertility.

I feel I need to say that I am absolutely thrilled for my friends and family who become pregnant and are expecting children. I am even really excited about those I don't know and see on the street...But I wanted to talk about an internal quite vivid struggle that I have had with myself in trying to control my emotions as another pregnant announcement is paraded past me.

So I was at a friends home for dinner and they introduced us to this new couple. As she was eating she began to say how she is so lucky now that she doesn't have to watch what she eats because she is expecting her second child. Of course we all, including myself, doted on her and celebrated in that announced moment. As she continued though I felt myself want to reach across the table and punch her in the face...who thinks that especially about a pregnant woman... Well this young girl proceeded to talk about how she wasn't even trying and oops it just happened. That's when like in a T.V. show when they show one of the characters internal thoughts and what they would really like to be doing I could see myself in all its trashy glory crawling across the table and punching this girl. Of course the whole time I am thinking of this I have a smile on my face and can hear myself telling her how exciting it must be and when are you due...You know saying all the right things...

So I asked my friend who also went through infertility about my feelings (oh and this girl was not the first pregnant woman that these emotions were directed towards). She thankfully assured me that this was normal and that it just hurts. Even though being upset with a pregnant woman is incredible taboo it still does not negate your deep hurts and empty pains that you are feeling in those moments...Phew I am not loosing my mind...Well maybe just a little bit :)

The reason I say this is to let others know that as we struggle with things in life sometimes our thoughts, emotions are not always rational and that is okay. Be sure to surround yourself with people who support you, love you, and will walk side by side with you. I may not understand why Andrew and I are going through this right now, nor will I always understand why my very rational self has become quite irrational but I know I am learning to be faithful that my life has a father who is greater then all things in this world and he is looking over my everything!

Where does Faith and Science meet or not meet

So I have this question - Andrew and I have not yet been faced with the prospect of invitro, but it is something that we may need to face if the IUI procedure is not possible for us. Since we haven't even tried yet, I don't want to totally jump the gun - but I am thinker and a future planner so it has crossed my mind about invitro - and I guess the question comes in as to when does belief, faith, and science not go together anymore.

Here is my thoughts - I believe that life begins at conception (or the meeting of the egg and the sperm) if that is true then when the doctor puts those together then they are vaible lives right? Okay so what happens if they remove from me several eggs because of course not all become viable options. Okay so lets say that when they do their doctor thing that 6 eggs and sperms meet and are healthy and viable. They only will implant three into a woman (maybe four) but no more then that. So what happens to those other 3-4 lives? I have been told you can freeze them, donate them to science, or donate them to another couple...

Okay freezing them is an option because maybe Andrew and I will only have one child out of the ones that are implanted and we will want to try for another (if we get more then one on the second try then so be it) but what if we get twins on the first try and we do not wish to be implanted with any more children?

Donate it to science - I don't think I could stomache this idea that a perfectly created life by Andrew and I has been placed in the hands of science - that would be me deciding that this life will not ever be - I just don't think that is what I believe nor do I believe that is my right.

Donate it to a couple or woman who can't have children or this is not an option for them - Okay this one Andrew and I both agree. There is no way we could knowingly have a perfect genetic child out there being raised by someone else who is 100% Andrew and mine...

So what are your thoughts - Again, Andrew and I have not been faced with this decision yet, but we did need to start thinking about it as we do have infertility issues and it may be a decision we have to make. We will need to pray a lot more about it and get counsel, but if anyone finds this blog. I am curious what you think...