If Christians in this world risk everything, shouldn't we, USA Evangelical Church, be standing next to them?!?

Perhaps I have always loved the idea that the world is simply at our finger tips that we just need to be brave enough to book a ticket and go on an adventure. I have had the privilege to travel to many countries, to explore many cultures, and indulge in many global delicacies. Please do not let me underestimate the word PRIVILEGE within the above sentence. I did not grow up poor, but I was by no means wealthy. However, through education and parents, who gave us a lot of confidence and encouragement, introduced me to the world and that there were many many other places I needed to discover outside of my fairly affluent Chicago suburb.

Privilege is an interesting word for me as it has become more about the responsibility, which it has bestowed upon me, rather than the "consumer" options I have had based on my parents income and eventually my own income. One could attempt to shy away from privilege and think of it as a burden or perhaps a right. However, privilege is quite complicated. We can not choose to what race, gender, country, family, socio-economic, status, etc. we are born into, we are simply born. But as we are raised and challenged and hopefully challenging our own privilege; should we also wear heavily inherited rights?

I am privileged because I am white, educated, an American, female, married, and a Christian in the USA. I could write to my responsibility in other areas and perhaps one day I may explore those, but for the purposes of this post I want to talk directly to the privilege of being an American (USA) Evangelical Christian...

Living in Scotland these past few months have reminded me that although, yes, there are times where Christians' in the USA have perhaps felt the bite of a society shifting and changing we have no idea what it means to even come close to persecution. I was challenged by the pastor of the small church we attend in St. Andrews that if an interpretation of scripture does not make sense to the poorest of the poor as it would to the wealthiest of the wealthy than it is not what was intended. Simple, if you attempt to tell a story or give an illustration or create an interpretation if that only reaches those within your USA Christian context than it is not what was intended.

Every Sunday the little church we attend takes time out to pray for our Christian brothers and sisters in this world whose lives are threatened, who are murdered for their faith, who meet in underground house churches, and/or who ask and cry out for help. I feel helpless, but what hurts even more is that the majority of the evangelical churches I have attended in the USA do not take the time out to simply acknowledge the shedding of innocent Christian blood in this world. We celebrate our Missionaries (and they need to be celebrated and uplift all the time) only during our big Missions weeks. I loved mission weeks at my church, the parades, the food, the stories, the colors, etc. In fact, I would give credit to these two weeks out of every year for also opening my eyes to a much bigger world, but these were the only times when we truly heard stories of what was happening around the world. And to be honest although, there were stories of loss and hunger and starvation there was not a lot of discussion of the daily existence and grind of those living within these countries trying to desperately hold onto their faith.

What is our obligation with our privilege?!? I have had the honor to meet a Finnish couple who have shared their home and their friendship with Andrew and I. They are bold and courageous beyond anything that Andrew and I have had to experience (and I thought loving LGBTQ people and showing them they are valued by our Lord and Savior was hard). After our Finnish friend completes his PhD he and his wife are planning on moving back to Finland to help run a small bible school that every day is threatened by the Finnish government to loose its funding and standing for simply being a Christian institution. They are ridiculed by their government and society. Yes, this is a "western" civilized nation. A nation where generationally they have not heard the name of Jesus, the friend of sinners, the voice for the marginalized, the lover of all many kind. Unlike those of us in the USA they had to search out their faith; a faith that was not available, they had to experience a truth in the fullness of the meaning of faith in choosing something that their family, society and government said was not necessary, and in fact, harmful or silly. Our friends in Edinburgh, Scotland also run a small bible school and they want to become accredited so they can offer further educational options to their students, but the Scottish government believes they are not worthy of an accreditation and have put up obstacle after obstacle. Yet, the government is highlighting the "humanist" movement as being a more appropriate understanding of faith and humanity.

Yesterday, in church we heard prayers and stories from men and women in the Middle East and North Africa who on their own are discovering Christ and their vulnerable cries for help were deep, dark, and painful. As the congregation was silent and their words were read out loud all I could do was ask "God to please please hear these people they are your people. Please Lord take away their fear, a fear that I could never imagine. They have found you Lord please please find them."

I don't know what denomination any of these men and women in the Middle East and North Africa are or what denomination either of the mentioned bible schools would fall under, but does it matter? We get so caught up in the divisions and the absolute "right and wrong" in interpretations and denominations that we can't hear the cries of our brothers and sisters around the world...

What is our obligation to these cries of desperation, please friends, who are we, USA Evangelical Christians, what is our responsibility? We need to figure out how to find them and be the tangible hands and feet even if it means we risk everything because they are risking everything and shouldn't we be standing next to them?

A cup of coffee, storage, and Ikea

We have been in Scotland nearly a month now and we starting to finally feel like we are settling in. Well, I think Andrew settled in much faster than I did as I was the one left in the shuffle of being the "spouse/partner" of a PhD student. There has been a ton of events for Andrew as he starts on this incredible journey and embarks on this very new step. I have been a bit overwhelmed with all the events for both of us and most for Andrew. The university has been incredible at welcoming the incoming students and preparing them for life as a PhD student.

Although, I must admit, I am not sure how well I have been prepared for being the partner of a PhD student. Our home is still in a bit of chaos and there are boxes yet to be unpacked. We don't have nearly enough storage and I feel as if we are bursting at the seems. I thought we down sized pretty significantly, but I was shockingly unaware at how little space for storage we would have and how much I thought I "needed."

However, I don't want to sound too much like a downer because we have been making progress everyday at unpacking and finding a place for everything that we decided to bring along with us. Which brings me to Ikea...

Oh thank you Ikea, for all of your options to create new spaces, storage spaces, and rooms pretty. We have made several Ikea runs and will probably be making several more as we continue forward. They are a reasonably priced store and can provide almost everything that you may need when setting up home. Unfortunately, the nearest Ikea is about an hour and 40 minutes away in Edinburgh, but it does give us an excuse to see our close friends Adrian and Heather Holdsworth who live and work in Edinburgh and help run a small bible college.

But Ikea you are a pain in the butt when it comes to putting items together. Andrew and I haven't even purchased complex furniture. We have purchased two book cases, a shelving piece for the bathroom window and finally a large shelving unit for more bathroom storage. We still need to come and purchase a couple more shelves for clothing.

We had to also purchase an electric drill. We tried at first to follow the steps as outlined by the Ikea "cartoons," oh I mean instructions. But it was horrible. After straining our muscles and hurting our fingers trying to use this Z shaped tool with brute force get screws into the connecting parts we googled others experiences in putting together Ikea furniture and 100% said don't bother with the stupid Z tool go get an electric tool. Everyone shared in our frustration and in our pain. So we iced our thumbs and headed for the local hardware store, Mica Hardware in St. Andrews.

Mica Hardware is the quintessential hardware store with all sorts of eclectic items all over the store. It ranges from pots and pans to dressing makers to pillows to bug spray to grills and charcoal to lawn care to home improvement to home cleaning and electronics of all sorts. The owners are friendly and you can negotiate a bit for some of the items. Its perfect and everything I hoped a small town hardware store would feel like. We received an amazing deal on a drill because it had been in the window and the packaging was faded a bit and it was dusty. Otherwise it was perfect and a life saver for our Ikea projects.

Yes, we tackled the Ikea monster and can I say that we are now the slayers of the Ikea dragon!!!

With our Ikea pieces put together the chaos is beginning to fade and I will feel even more comfortable and at ease that we are close to being finished.

Additionally, I think we both feel like we are bleeding money at the moment as we try and set up house here. We planned and knew that we would need to purchase these items and we are making really good inexpensive and needed choices but it still feels uneasy. We expected these purchase and even anticipated them, but the reality is that its not easy.

Finally, my cup of coffee. I am today finally enjoying my first cup of home made coffee. For those who know I am a French Press lover. Its my favorite way to make and enjoy my cup of Joe :). I even shipped a few bags of coffee beans which I had not gotten to and was super excited to receive and rescue from the shipping boxes. However, the idea of grinding our own beans is a very new concept here in Scotland and well the entire UK. Hunting down a grinder for my beans has been a challenge, but it was delivered yesterday and tested today. Yummm the coffee is fabulous (of course I added some Starbucks flavour syrup) and as I look out my windows to the stone buildings outside I am thankful for this adventure.

I am thankful for how this will challenge me, change me, ground me and allow me to understand and know my husband better.

I hope we get to see some of you soon on our side of the pound!

A perfectly tarnished child of God

Yikes, where to park the lorries?!?

Quick update: We were able to secure car insurance, thank goodness, and we will be picking up our car on Friday of this week. I can't believe how difficult it was to get all of that situated, but its done and I know we are going to be really happy to get our little automatic car :)

Quick update number two, we are still waiting on our wire transfer. It seems everything finally passed all of the security checks in the US and Chase, but it has not been submitted here in our Scottish bank yet.

Quick update number three, the internet and phone should be installed sometime on Wednesday and/or Thursday which means Andrew and I will be connected again to the modern world :)

New lesson today:

Andrew and I had some items shipped from our home in the States. The items left on the 11th day of July and arrived in a UK port in the beginning of September. The items traveled the ocean blue, just backwards according to Christopher Columbus and well actually made port where they needed to (or were expected to), not a few hundred miles short of the "new world" target... but hey, who needs a history lesson...

This is all about new lessons...

Anyway, it never occurred to me that there may be roads that a truck simply could not get down, well lets just say it never occurred to me that a truck could not get down a normal driving street. I could understand perhaps an alley way or something like that. However, since Scotland is incredibly ancient, most of the roadways were designed by the Romans, yeah those Romans, and needed to only be large enough to fit a horse and cart. Unfortunately, nothing much has changed in regards to road sizes.

We received an email from our international shipping company and they sent a picture of the lorries "trucks" they were planning on driving to our place for our shipment and I about fell over. There is no way that truck with a second trailer was even going to make it to our little town let alone down our very little road of Smiddy Burn. Plus just yesterday I noticed that they put up a new sign indicating that our road was "not suitable for large vehicles." Great now what????

So first I emailed the shipping company to inquire why two trailers were needed to haul our stuff which only took up half the trailer capacity when we shipped it out from our home in the States. So thankfully the emailed back and said they would drop the second trailer in preparation to come to our home. Yeah, thats what I thought shipper people we did not ship that much stuff.

However, we are still trying to figure out where now to put a normal sized long haul truck. Andrew and I asked everyone and everyone had no idea. They pretty much have never thought of where you may or may not need to put a large truck carrying a lot of items.

I have sent another email to the international shippers and have not received a response. But it looks like there is a small drive that the truck could pull down, it will have to back out, but it can unload and carry our stuff through the back door of our property.

Tomorrow, when our shipment arrives is going to be a chaotic day I am sure! Wish me luck and send lots of prayers as Andrew is going to be at orientation all day.

Being an ancient country leads to ancient issues that our young country and planned large road ways did not have to deal with or even think about. I wish I could be a fly on the wall as a large truck tries to make it down these very winding, very small, and very beautiful Scottish roads.

New lesson where to park the lorries... I still have no idea :)

Once these small hiccups are done I can't wait to start taking pictures and describing how amazing our little and perfect Scottish town of Kingsbarns is and how wonderful and inspiring St. Andrews is as well. I will also talk about the new places Andrew and discover.

Oh funny story, our new SatNav (GPS) named Serena TomTom has had some difficulties in navigating lately. We asked Serena TomTom to take us to a vodafone (mobile phone company) store about 18 miles away in Dundee, but instead Serena TomTom took us to Perth which is about 40 miles or more away. Andrew and I just kept driving and we knew that Serena TomTom totally messed up, but it was a pleasant surprise and another great adventure. Plus we had no idea where we were anyways and we had to follow Serena TomTom no matter where she decided to take us! LOL! All we could say is oh Serena TomTom :)

A perfectly tarnished child of God

In Search of Free Wifi

Today is Sunday the 8th day of September 2013. I'm trying to remind myself that dates are written differently here in the UK and I have to literally say it out loud or write it down. It has already confused a few documents and required scribbling out and writing initials. Although both countries are similar their differences, I am discovering are vast. Especially when you move to a small village from a large metro city in the States.

Here is the beginning so far of Andrew and my journey from Chicago to Kingsbarns. From a population of approximately 3.5 million in the city center and about 10 million in the Chicago area to a village of about 300 and a country, Scotland, with about 10 million in total population. It is beautiful here and the ocean, which is about a 10 minute walk from our home, is calming and brings a wet cool breeze every morning.

I am currently sitting in Bibi's Cafe on North Street in St. Andrews. One of my new favorite spots and a place that allows me to tap into their wifi. Thank you Bibis Cafe!

This particular location serves a great little breakfast, sandwiches, soups, teas, coffee, biscuits, and all sorts of sweet little treats. On South Street they have Bibi's Bakery which sells a collection of beautifully assorted cupcakes, cakes, and fresh made breads. Those of you who know me best know that I discovered this little gem even before Andrew and I moved. I love cupcakes, yeah party for one!!!

We have been in Scotland for about two weeks and I have definitely learned some priceless lessons which will be invaluable for others who decided to take this very odd leap of faith too...

The first week we stayed with dear friends in Edinburgh. We got over our jet leg planned out what we thought we needed and purchased some essentials like bedding and toilet paper. Thank you Costco and Ikea for being the best shopping spots for these items. Unfortunately, both of these stores are located in Edinburgh which is about an hour and half to an hour and 45 minutes away from St. Andrews.

Huge lessons so far:
1. You have to book an appointment at a bank in order to open an account and get the process started. This sounds easy enough, but appointments are difficult to get especially in the beginning of school years. It took us an entire week to be able to book an appointment. Book an appointment right away!

2. It takes 7-10 business days to get your bank cards. You can't do anything with out your bank cards... Trust me this was a bit difficult and really frustrating. Although, ours came in 5 days (thank goodness)

3. Still on the bank issues, wiring money from the States was an awful and incredibly confusing, frustrating, and irritating process. Perhaps its because we bank with Chase, who for the most part we have been very happy with, but getting our money has been a nightmare and you can't do anything I mean anything without money. Thankfully Andrew and I had made friends with our bank manager at our branch in Chicago, Brian, who is absolutely amazing, but had we not had that friendship and his help we probably would still be waiting for our money to transfer. So lesson is carry travelers checks with you (insure them) and have them put into your travel currency so for us we would need them in pounds. At least that is what we are finding. Chase has given us a much better exchange rate than the Bank of Scotland. Perhaps that is because the pound is valued higher than the dollar so I would do some research. But bottom line is carry cash with you (or travelers checks) because wiring money is a nightmare.

4. Cars and Car insurances: So we were told that we would probably need and want a car. After being in Kingsbarns for a week everyones advice is correct and a car is needed. The bus runs about every hour but is actually quite expensive and its much easier to drive the 6 miles into town. Cars here are quite small, but that is a really really really good thing. Large cars do not fit and are scary to drive and drive by on the roads. However, we needed a car that fit golf clubs and luggage so it had to have a decent boot (trunk). Yeah, we found one and within our very very limited budget. Great, purchasing car check, but oh what about insurance. Well this shouldn't be a problem we just need to call a few places get some quotes and move on right?!?

5. Car insurance: So apparently unlike the States, car insurance is almost purchased on a yearly basis. So as your policy comes up you search for the next insurance company because they give you a great introductory year, but than raise your premiums. Yikes, okay no biggie. I was told to go on confused.com to find insurance quotes... So I did that lets just say that don't like to insure USA drivers. Again, its a nightmare and it costs an arm and a leg. Crazy absolutely crazy. I finally found an insurance company called AVIVA, but I can't seem to figure out how to pay them. Their quote was a bit more reasonable and I was told that they insure US drivers. Thank goodness... I just need to pay... I will up date later...

6. We purchased our car in Edinburgh which had far more to choose from. If you are looking for a manual car the options are almost limitless and you won't need to spend all that much on a car. However, Andrew and I, well mainly me, want or need an automatic car. That was far more difficult to find and the options are quite limited. Plus you will pay a bit more. However, by looking for a car in a bigger location we had a better opportunity to find what we needed. So, assuming I get the car insurance squared away, we are going to be picking up our car on Thursday or Friday of this week.

7. Internet, phone, cable: So these take a bit longer to install than the States, but I think that is more because we are living in a very small country village. However, we found out that we can't get cable because it doesn't reach our little village. This devastated Andrew for a bit until the BT guy insured him that he could get sports channels via our broadband... Phew... Oh and we were limited to only one option BT and not Sky, which is satellite, because we live in a historical home built a long time ago and they can't drill satellite dishes into them... So we get the free, yes free, BT channels which are a bit strange but work and Andrew will be able to get his sports on-line. Sadly we don't get Downton Abby with our free BT, but I was told I could also get this via on-line. Here is to crossing our fingers again.

8. A little village really is a little village. We have B&B owned and run by Jim and Jayne, absolutely wonderful people and cute little B&B. We have a pub and hotel owned and run by Gary and Jackie, incredible food, clean hotel, and great company. We have a post office and very very small convienent store run by Len and a church, a Church of Scotland church, we haven't met the pastor yet. Everyone knows everyone and everyone is some how connected. It is a very strange world for Andrew and I, but we are really enjoying getting to know everyone. Oh and our little cottage is in a row with what the town calls the "Old Spinsters" and yes, the description is true...

Andrew had enjoyed every bit of the golfing greens that he can. He hasn't played yet in St. Andrews, but did play a round in Edinburgh. He can't wait to start playing here. The courses are absolutely beautiful and there really is so much history and pageantry surrounding each course. He is starting his orientation and is very excited about school starting.

I am enjoying settling in. Trying to get our little home set up and stocking it with all the items we need. I am also enjoying discovering the little shops and restaurants around St. Andrews. Its not a big town, but its friendly, quaint and everything I hoped an old Scottish town would feel like. Plus it has the buzz of students and learning which is utterly inspiring.

Yesterday evening, Andrew and I went for a walk to the sea and it was invigorating. The air was cool, wet, and salty. We passed homes that have been there for centuries and it felt like we were in a movie. I think we will enjoy this walk in the evenings... I think we will enjoy living here :)

A perfectly tarnished child of God

Goodbyes and New Beginnings

As many of you know, Andrew and I are moving across the pond to a small village outside of St. Andrews. We are excited and nervous about this new beginning and this great adventure.

My mother and I were talking about our move and she was telling me how scared she would be to even think about moving to another country and I said to her that if it wasn't for both my parents and Andrew's parents investing in our lives so deeply we would not have the courage to take these crazy risks and follow a path less traveled...

However, I have to admit that my heart is heavy. I drove in from my parents house to the city and the day was perfect. The city skyline was majestic. It can be overwhelming, but growing up here has made me brave and adventurous. There is so much to do and to see. Its a city with world renowned restaurants, museums, parks, and theatre, but its also a city with small secrets, special places, and deep memories. Its a city that holds the beginning of Andrew and my life together, the community which has protected and encouraged us, and the friends who have loved and cared for us. This urban jungle is beautiful to me and I love it. It is my security and my familiarity. Its what I understand and what makes me feel full.

But now we are moving to a very different place. I have to admit perhaps Andrew and I are having a small romantic love affair with the idea of living in the country near the sea. It is small and far away from large cities and the constant chaos of life in an urban jungle. It will be a time for Andrew and I to learn more deeply about each other, to learn to slow way down, and to learn to take deep breaths. To listen to the silence and focus on the whispers.

It is also, I am hoping and praying, going to be a time of deep healing for both Andrew and I. For me personally, as I have grown stronger and learned to grieve not possessing the normality of what I hoped for my life, I find my direction and purpose. I am hoping to holistically cleanse my body, soul and heart in search of a fullness in my Lord and Savior and to understand more fully the plans which He has for me...

My goal is to continue with this blog as a diary for me to express my heart and an ability to reflect back and look forward. It is also a space where I hope to share with each of you who continue to read this blog about our adventures in Scotland.

To quote one my most favorite poems by Robert Frost:

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Love a perfectly tarnished child of God

Chicago Pride Parade 2013

On Sunday, June 30^th, I attended my fourth Pride Parade. This years parade did not disappoint it was everything that one would imagine a Pride Parade to be, glitter, streamers, balloons, music, incredible dancing and a beautiful display of people in all shapes, sizes, color, gender and age. Pride is a celebration of a moment in time when a group of very brave and very terrified LGBTQ people chose to no longer accept the painful existence of being a part of the shadows; fearful to live openly and freely.

As a straight woman I cannot begin to understand the feelings of having a same-sex attraction, but I can relate to the idea of living in the shadows and not being able at times to fully express my gifts, my life, my voice, my ideas, and my story. As the Woman’s Suffrage movement attempted to pull women from the shadows and the Civil Rights Movement revealed the disgraceful inequalities between races so has the symbol of Pride Parades, celebrating the riot at the Stonewall which brought voice and light to the treatment of LGBTQ people in the United States and throughout the world. The riot started, not because the people at Stonewall wanted to make a statement and were organized and ready to fight, it started because a group of people out of desperation and fear said they could no longer be treated less then; they could no longer be beaten, or shaken down, humiliated and arrested. They no longer could afford to look in the mirror and tell themselves it was okay to hide in the shadows, “in the closet,” but it was time to stand, to shout, to be courageous and say no more, collectively for the first time together as brothers and sisters as an LGBTQ coalition, in one collective voice shouting “no more”. This is why Pride Parades are held, to remember the courage and sacrifice of those who within their deepest and darkest fear chose in a moment of reckless abandonment and boldness, to take a stand.

I understand the gravity and importance of remembering significant moments in history because in reflection we are to learn and grow from the situations of the past. Moments and historical events are guidelines for our futures and building blocks that we are to create upon and hopefully improve upon. It is in this deep reflection that I share my experience at Pride, a moment where I and a few other members of The Marin Foundation chose to do something different, to stand in a location we had not stood before as we participated in the I’m Sorry Campaign.

There were about 10 of us who decided to leave the familiarity of our space in front of the IHop on Halsted and find where the Pride Parade Protesters would be located. After speaking with Chicago’s Finest, we were pointed in the direction at the end of the parade route where a sectioned off area had been established for those who were exercising their right of freedom of speech and protest the parade. Let me be very clear, I do believe that as a citizen of the USA we do have a right to protest, to speak our minds and share are thoughts in disagreement and agreement. I was prepared to hear a multitude of arguments against LGBTQ liberties, celebrations, marriage, connection to God, the bible, and the parade itself; what I was not prepared for was how the name of God was being used to utterly humiliate, degrade, hurt and belittle the participants and patrons of the parade. My heart was broken not because these protestors felt it was okay to spew four hours’ worth of the most vile hate speech I had ever experienced and heard against a certain group of people, yes that was outrageous, but that was not what broke my heart. My heart was broken deeply and my soul torn to its core by the calloused presentation of the word of God to the crowd passing by, to those of us watching the parade and those participating in the parade, triggered a deep pain that had nothing to do with the love of Jesus, but everything to do with a cruel attempt to make each person feel as if they were unworthy to breathe.

The 10 of us from The Marin Foundation decided to stand as a buffer directly in front of the protestors. We hung our banner on the fence and designed handmade signs reading; “you are loved”,” Jesus loves you”, “free hugs” and one held by our Director of Pastoral Care, Jason, “I’m sorry, I was once a bigot.” It was an intentional and literal sense of standing in the middle and standing in solidarity with the other, or in this case humanity.

After a while I must admit the sound of the protestors became more like the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons, but I was quickly reminded that they were there and they were yelling a litany of visceral rehearsed statements time and time again. As the parade participants passed by their joyful celebration turned to pain and anger as they yelled back their own line of profanity directed toward the protestors. However, within moments, like a single candle light in a dark room, a flicker of hope as the parade participants read our signs and recognized The I’m Sorry Campaign it was an instant reaction which led some to cheer, others to say thank you, many to come in for high fives and hugs, lots of blown kisses, and a few to break down in tears. These moments where real for me and those I shared them with and I held on to them with great compassion. A suspended moment in time when celebration explodes into hate, anger, and pain and like a lantern onto our feet, our path is illuminated by what Jesus’ light means to others, a light of love and of value.

This year’s Pride Parade was far more emotional for me and took a deeper toll on my heart and my physical body. The scriptures I read would never describe Jesus or His followers standing on the street and calling women whores, disgusting, unworthy of value and men sissy, ugly, pathetic, and sick. The Jesus in the Bible I hold dear was radical and like Michael Kimpan, the Associate Director of The Marin Foundation, pointed out in the retelling of the story of the woman caught in adultery, that before we as “Christians” can begin to pass any type of “judgments” we must have first risked our reputations and our lives by standing in solidarity, protection and in between the accusers.

I am satisfied in knowing that I made a conscious choices along with others from The Marin Foundation to stand as a shield, a buffer, to block a very unGodly account of scripture and Jesus. We are not to be a stumbling block for our brothers and sisters to find Christ. In these moments as culture shifts swiftly, we as followers of Jesus must remember what it means to be radical in our love...

Much Love

A perfectly tarnished child of God

When Abortion Became Real

Another hot button issue in our country is of course abortion. I must admit that I am in most accounts Pro-life and always have been. My faith and my moral framework have shaped this as a choice for me. I however, do understand that there are times when very serious decisions need to be made with regards to the health of the mother, the baby, the way in which the pregnancy has been conceived and those decisions should be made and left up to the woman, the mother, and perhaps in conjunction with her partner, husband, boyfriend, one night stand etc.

However, in our journey to conceive and in this new chapter of considering adoption, abortion becomes much more real and close to my heart. My husband and I understand that in order for us to be a mommy and a daddy we are asking for a women to be courageous enough to face the cruelty of this world, the stares, the questions, and the talking behind her back and than make the ultimate sacrifice of unconditional love by giving Andrew and I her baby to raise and to love. In the pain of our infertility journey I couldn't imagine the anguish that a woman must go through in making the choice of adoption for her child and this is the journey that Andrew and I are on if we are to have a family.

A few weeks ago in a very bizarre and round about way Andrew and I were made aware of a single women in her early forties who found out she was pregnant. We came to find out through a family member that she is an incredibly successful woman and has dedicated her life to building her career and completing higher levels of education. In all ways she should be celebrated in her accomplishments and commended in her success; we as women know that climbing the corporate ladder can be quite difficult and in many cases much harder. I am not in anyway taking away from her success or her choices in remaining single and making the life choices which were best for her within her goals. In fact, I am a champion of celebrating the diversity of women and the choices we are able to make which hopefully fulfill and enhance our life experiences. Of course being a Christian, I am hoping that within these choices is the calling a woman feels upon her life.

Which, takes us back to the story, Andrew and I learned that this woman had scheduled an abortion appointment and canceled and then scheduled a second and canceled it again. I don't know what was or who was influencing her to cancel these appointments she just did. This is where Andrew and I learned of her and her pregnancy. We were given a phone number and we made a call to one of her family members. We both had no idea how the person on the other end was going to react as this was a really uncomfortable and incredibly emotional phone call to make... "Um hi we heard that one of your family members is pregnant and we were given you number and we want to share our story and see if your family member would be willing to adopt her baby to us..." Yeah, it was pretty much that crazy and that vulnerable.

The woman on the other end listened to our story and cried with us as we shared our journey and our desire to be parents. She listened as we described our deep understanding that our "normal" was going to be a bit different than other peoples normal. That our family structure was going to look a bit different than other family structures. We also understood and do understand as best we can the incredible gift and sacrifice we are asking of her family member and that we would honor her in the amount of involvement she and they would want to have in the community which would love and raise this little baby.

In the course of the conversation we learned a bit more about the family member who was pregnant. She was in her early forties and successful. She never wanted to have children and that this pregnancy was completely unplanned and a total shock and surprise. *Although, PSA, if you do the deed between a man and a woman the possibility is always there no matter how much precaution you take*

We learned that this woman set an abortion appointment right away, but for some reason decided to cancel it. She than researched about pregnancy in your early forties and found out about all the enhanced risk that a woman and a baby may face so she set an OBGYN appointment to check on the viability and health of the baby. She did all the tests including those that carry their own high risk and it came back that she was carrying a healthy baby girl. The woman on the phone, the pregnant woman's family member, indicated that this was potentially a way to help make the abortion decision easier, but it turned out possibly to make it more difficult as she learned she was carrying a healthy baby girl. The woman again made an appointment for an abortion and canceled. The woman on the phone said that adoption had been discussed with the pregnant woman, but she was adamant about not wanting to do an adoption because she felt very strongly about not being able to carry a baby for nine months and then give it away. Even though according to the family member on the phone she repeatedly said she didn't want the baby or children.

The family member on the phone asked if we would write our story and send her an email with some pictures. Andrew and I agreed and we sat on a Sunday evening and wrote out our story. It took us some time as we needed time to process our emotions, to cry a bit, to be angry a bit, and to hope a bit. We wanted to make sure we told the woman, who was pregnant, that we understood that what we are asking of her is unfair and would require courage and sacrifice. We also wanted to make sure that no matter her decision she was still valued.

We sent the letter, our story, our hopes, our dreams, and our desires to be a mommy and a daddy to this stranger who was hopefully going to have a moment to share it with her pregnant family member. We carefully chose pictures hoping they showed that we were fun, adventurous, but also cautious. Pictures that hopefully represented who we were and the potential life this little baby girl could have with Andrew and I. When the send button was pushed I felt numb... I still feel numb...

We haven't heard anything from either women. We don't know if the abortion took place, if there has been any opportunity to share our story, but I still hope...

My prayers have sounded a bit like this:

Lord, please be with this woman as she must on her own make this incredibly difficult decision. Please surround her with people who will give her support no matter what. Lord, you know the desire of my heart, that I would love to be blessed with this little baby girl. That Andrew and I would love her with all of hearts and every bit of our being. Lord, please protect this little girl. Let her continue to grow strong. Lord, if this woman does choose to abort this little girl, I pray that you rejoice as you welcome a new angel into your kingdom. Lord, protect my heart as I want so badly to hope for the most unlikely possibility. Let me remain realistic and let my prayers reflect that as well. Lord, please be with this woman no matter the choice. If she chooses to continue with this pregnancy, Lord please give her courage, if she chooses to terminate this pregnancy please Lord, give her peace. Lord, I pray that you give the family member an opportunity to share our story with this woman, that she reads our story and gives us an opportunity to share it with her. My heart is broken and I do desire to be a mommy and would love to be the mommy to this little girl.

Adoption is an unimaginable set of circumstances which require very different people to make very courageous choices. My adoption journey is just beginning and I am trying to prepare my heart and myself for the journey ahead. I know I will make an incredible mommy one day and will adore, treasure, love and cherish the woman that blesses me with that opportunity.

A round about congrats to Kim K

I have decided that this blog is really an outlet for me when I am ready I write and when I need to let some things out this is the place I am able to do it. I do also hope that its a place that people visit on occasion to get an update, to hear my heart, or to potentially find that they are not alone as we all struggle with some difficult aspects in life and painful journeys.

I was already to write a post about the latest Kardashian announcement, no not the one about Kim being pregnant, as I would never take away that incredible miracle from any one, even if I do think you are an absolute drain on society with no meaningful substance (oops did I write that). No, I am talking about her interview on the Today Show about her fertility struggle (you can see the interview here). I was all ready to say how dare you... my heart raced, I initially felt anger, pain, jealousy; like I need to call out this "starlet" for not understanding the deep loneliness and utter despair a woman feels when she is trying to have a baby and does everything in her power to have that life grow inside of her, but time after time, effort after effort, doctors appointment after doctors appointment the news is bad.

However, I don't know Kim K's situation or what she was told by her doctors. My understanding from the interview is that she is going to discuss it on her upcoming reality television show, but I won't be watching not because of the pregnancy but because I think its worthless television. Ok I am getting a bit snarky and because of this my message could potentially be lost...

Even though my initial response was to be mad and then jealous of Kim I want to make it clear that having a baby is difficult no matter what and its an incredible gift and miracle to be able to make life. A struggle is a struggle no matter how big or small and a gift of a miracle is to be celebrated.

My healing journey has been long and will continue to be a healing journey. As Andrew and I prayerfully embark on the next steps in our life together and decide on the options available to us we will and have been grieving for things that we will both never have the opportunity to experience. Infertility is hard because its lonely and in a lot of ways a silent suffering. You (I) can't stop participating in the changing lives of my friends as they have children, I can't avoid baby showers even though they hurt. I can't avoid the comments from women of why I don't have a child yet, and that Andrew and I better get trying because I am not getting any younger... I know these women don't mean anything by what they are saying, but no matter the choice or circumstances women are more than baby makers and some of us can't even be the baby maker you are asking of us...

As I grieve and as you think of those who you know who are struggling with infertility these are just a few things I will miss that I have to heal from:

1. I will never know the excitement and uneasiness of a positive pee stick
2. I will never make the call to my partner to tell them the results
3. I will never utter the words "I am pregnant and having a baby"
4. I will never feel the growth of life inside of me
5. I will never hear my baby's first heart beat
6. I will never experience the excitement of seeing the life growing inside me on an ultrasound
7. I will never see the joy and fear on my partners face when they view the baby for the first time
8. I will never have my partner put his hand on my stomach to feel the baby
9. I will never pray over the baby in my tummy
10. I will never go through the hospital visits and birthing classes
11. I will never feel the pains of labor
12. I will never witness the fear of my husbands face as he races me to the hospital
13. I will never give birth
14. I will never hold my baby (or a baby) right after they are born and experience the skin to skin touch
15. I will never have the connection of breast feeding
16. I will never be able to see the baby that Andrew and I could make

These are only a few of the items I have had to mourn and heal from before I was ready to move forward. I share this list because I think its important to understand what infertility really means and the loss which occurs because of this inability. Especially to those who so carelessly feel its okay to ask a young lady about her "baby making" plans. Perhaps she is in the middle of healing from her own list of loss.

I still have my faith that my God is greater than this list than my loss, that a miracle can occur and I too can feel all of the above mentioned, but I am at a place of peace and joy of knowing that there is another path for Andrew and I. That family in so many ways comes in so many different packages. My heart is bursting with love for a child and I am looking forward to this next journey.

I will continue to post as Andrew and I make decisions and hope that all of you will partner with us in prayer over the next steps.

God is great... all the time!

A perfectly tarnished child of God

A Country Divided - A Sovereign God

I do not hide the fact nor make excuses that my faith governs my life and plays an enormous and truly the most important part in dictating who I am, how I live, how I love, how I treat others and what I should do in this world. I felt it was important to make this statement before I continue this post. I believe in transparency and feel that perhaps the inauthenticity of our culture is potentially one of the most destructive aspects of what is plaguing us today.

As a simple observer my heart breaks for the division my country, the United States, is feeling currently after this election. It is not important as to which candidate I personally voted for, as I am neither overly joyed or angry as to who is currently in office. In fact, I was quite disappointed in the choices that I had before me when casting my vote, if I am going to be completely honest. I chose to vote for the person who represented my views within the context of economics, social issues, security of our nation, and foreign policy. Between the two main candidates they both ranked higher and lower on each of the categories that I based my vote on and I had to make the ultimate choice to represent my vision for America.

I want to state that again, I voted for the candidate which represented MY vision for America. We are a country divided because half of our country felt victory and half of our country felt defeat because THEIR vision for America may or may not have been realized and solidified.

But I challenge both sides to step back and to ask ourselves, how did we get to a place where literally split down the middle are two different ideologies which at least described amongst media outlets have a visceral hate toward the other. To the extent that the "talking heads" on BOTH sides are making incredibly mean spirited and quite ignorant commentary and descriptions of those within the opposite party.

SHAME on us SHAME on us. We are a great nation which gives the RIGHT for its citizens to vote freely with out duress and consequence. Many who came before us fought tirelessly for the rights which we as the citizens of the United States are able to practice. Even the right to openly disagree or agree with passionate rhetoric. There are so many in this world who do not and may never understand the truest blessing of having our voice heard and counted no matter the outcome. We don't know the terror and fear so many of our brothers and sisters around the world face when they attempt to ask for liberty or whisper in the depths for change. Shame on us for showing the world how spoiled we are and how much we take our freedoms for granted.

The world is always watching America, what is our response. How will we lead by humble example that we are a nation which respects, cherishes, honors its leaders and the rights which we have fought so hard to keep and which we attempt to inspire other citizens of this world to desire.

I serve a sovereign God who is all knowing. Who is walking side by side with our president and our leaders. Who will not leave either side even if His name and council is not sought. Because we are a nation who understands the greatness of prayer.

To my brothers and sisters who call Jesus their savior. We are asked to love God with all our hearts and to love our neighbors. As my friend Chris Huertz challenges us, our friendships and our love for our neighbors should be no less then the love that Jesus had for Judas full knowing he would betray Him.

I started this post speaking about transparency and authenticity. My challenge Church is to love, to reach out, to care for, to fight for, to show Jesus in all ways. No matter the outcome we are called to lived like Jesus. We are called to humble ourselves and be servants of this world and create Kingdom here on earth as it is in Heaven.

For those who do not necessarily understand or agree with my faith. There is something amazing about knowing that a savior loves you for who you are and is willing to meet you where you are no matter the judgements of this world. God invites you to the table, I invite you to the table in agreement and disagreement you are my brother you are my sister and I love you as Jesus loves you.

A perfectly tarnished child of God

With Baggage Spread Out, Encouragement is Here

After reading my post this morning I realized that much of this blog has been filled with my heart ache and the deep struggles and painful experiences I have endured over the last few years.

I wanted this morning to share some of the really amazing and absolutely joyful pieces that have come from this time I have had in waiting on the Lord.

Today, I can confidently say that I am happy. I laugh often. I am renewed by the new and old relationships in my life. I have space and capacity to nurture the new people who have come into my life and have a desire to invest back into the relationships which have bravely stood with me through my struggles.

I am energized by my future no matter how uncertain it feels right now, I am genuinely excited to take the steps into the unknown.

I smile and I smile with everything I have because there is nothing I feel that is dragging me down. I love hard and I hold on hard.

I crave the warm and secure embrace of my husband and the hugs from others. I no longer pull away as I did for so long when a touch felt so painful and it created anxious feelings inside. Now I am free to show, experience, and be a part of the love others want to give me and the love I want to give them.

My healing is not over, but I am healing. I am loving, I am laughing, I am growing... I am taking one step at a time.

I know my life has purpose and I am confident that as I lean on my Creator and let go of all the things which have held me back, as deep and painful as they may be, I will find my way and I will be stronger and more beautiful on the other side.

Love a perfectly tarnished child of God

Confessions of a Shop-a-holic

This post was my original, but the previous post entitled “Unemployment Soap Box" below sort of came out in the midst of this post. Its incredibly late while I am writing both of these two posts which may explain the some what rant based first post with regards to my unemployment and job creation annoyance within the current election season...

Anyways I feel I need to post about something, or perhaps its more of a public confession. I don’t want to make excuses for why I have done, what I did, but I do think its important and a part of my healing process that I also try to be as open to myself as I write my feelings sitting here tonight in the dark alone. 

Many of you have followed my very painful journey of infertility and the very difficult road I have been on in trying to find my voice and identity as I experience everything that was supposed to be of comfort and security stripped away. My healing process has been slow, but its been an amazing time of transformation, reflection and rebuilding the relationship I have with my husband. 

However, today in a moment of utter humiliation I realized that perhaps losing my job took a much deeper toll on me than I was either unable to recognize or simply chose not to recognize. For the time being I don’t think it really matters which one is the reason. I haven't really blogged much about my job loss and the identity which I had associated with my career. I do believe as everything else fell apart the most painful items took precedent and were the most obvious not only to me but also to others and it was easier to process through what was right at the forefront. What I am about to confess is more or less a symptom or at least the result of many symptoms and it may or may not directly and/or indirectly be related to job loss. But really this is another step in my ability to fully heal and learn to lean completely on my Lord and Savior.

Here we go...

I conceptually understood how much value I put into my position and how much my identity was engulfed in the titles and projects that I was a part of. My career path and trajectory truly consumed the very fabric of who I was and how I would describe myself to others. It was a badge of honor that I could wear and a very protective armor that I could hide behind from the judgements of the world. Lets be honest what is the first thing you ask someone, what do you do? Its how we gage others, its how we begin to place them into our neat little identity boxes. How we start to connect with them based on shared “American” norms of success and perseverance. The American dream in its most basic form is centered completely on the most magnificent rise to the top. Its in our DNA to wrap ourselves in our careers. 

All of that to say, I was broken this afternoon once again, when I had to let go and confess that I am on the verge of destroying our finances, significantly straining our marriage, potentially hurting my husband’s organization, and being unable to pay our mortgage because I couldn’t let go of what was making me feel good for only a fleeting moment. A luxury I had when my identity was wrapped up in the success I was having in my career. 

Shopping for me was a mask to save face in front of others. It was a way for me to pretend that everything was okay. That I hadn’t really lost everything. It was also one of the only things I could count on that gave me feelings. I truly received a high when I purchase something, and when for so long I had been so numb to everything, everything that was in my life and around me. This high of purchasing something I craved deeply because for just a brief moment I knew I was still alive and I fit in with all of these other people, that to me in my confused and hazed state, had it all together. I wanted to be them, I wanted the casual freedom back of not caring about the purchases I made, I wanted the selfish need to please me and only me. I craved it, I desired, it, I needed it...

But today, standing in front of the person I love the most, I have to through absolute brokeness, say I am sorry. I have put us in a position that undermines the very fragile financial state that we have been in since I lost my job. I have to confess the selfish, ugly, self fulfilling things that I did with out any sense of others. I have nothing to show for the destruction that I have caused. Only a closet full of items which are nice, but not necessary. Which did not bring me healing, fulfillment or life. 

I have to say I am sorry because I hurt him and broke the trust between he and I. 

I am broken, I am hurting, and I am asking God to please please remember me. I am sorry for the idols I put in front of the amazing Creator who made me full in His image. I am sorry I am only now learning that my fear consumed me and I couldn’t be transparent and vulnerable enough to allow You Lord to be my only desire, my only fulfillment, my only need. 

I don’t understand the whys, but I am so grateful for Your love and for the amazing love you have given me through my husband who is desperately trying to reach me. 

Tonight, with my baggage in the open I ask my family and friends to help me to pray for us. I have created a mountain which faithfully we can move...

Love a perfectly tarnished child of God

Unemployment Soap Box

For many of you who have been following this blog know that I lost my job in December 2010. In the midst of some very personal circumstances with our infertility treatment my job/career was also taken away from me. I have sent in countless cover letters and resumes to companies, organizations, and government institutions all over the city and the nation to be frank. I have received one, ONE, phone call back on a resume which resulted in an interview of which I never heard anything back even after a few times of attempting to follow up with the organization. 

So here is my unemployed soap box moment; as the election looms near and within every debate, commercial and town hall meeting, jobs, joblessness, job creations, and unemployment are front in center. Why, simply because the unemployment rate in the country is still lingering around the 8-10% mark and in the city of Chicago and the state of Illinois its on the higher end of the national average. My biggest concern for my future as a 30-something voter is that the jobs which both parties name specifically in their promises are jobs which require a discernible skill set, like construction work, bridge building, infrastructure improvement, engineering projects etc. 

Please do not miss understand these areas need job growth and creation, but what about the upper-middle manager who was laid off when their company needed to downsize? The unemployed people who have “non-tangible” skill sets like management, human resources, change/conflict consultants, organizational behavior experts, operations, international business and relations experts, etc. I fall into this category. 

I did everything right. I studied hard and earned the “correct” undergrad. Got my first job after graduating which for me actually took me overseas for a bit. I climbed the ladder and was a high performer within every opportunity. After a few years I went back to further my education and while working full time I earned two masters degrees. Yet, I seem to fall into this category of either too much experience or too little. 

I want to hear how the candidates are actually going to reward the students for graduating and doing all the things that both parties have asked of us. I want to know what industries they are actually going to create not  simply “Modern New-Deal” type projects which will only mask or put a bandaid on the real issues. 

I am critical thinker, problem solver, I like to go into a place and drill down to uncover the real issues and not just symptoms of what is happening. I like strategic planning and investing in the right people for the right industry, company, job. I believe that organizations can have a sense of organic systems which give life and breed organization values and belief systems. I like understanding the unconscious beliefs and values which make the system move and how you can better utilize that system to optimize your companies potential... Yeah, I am a geek when it comes to these areas and I am good at it, but no messages on my phone, no emails in my inbox... 

Romney, Obama, what are you going to do with the millions of educated managers out of work?!?

Love a perfectly tarnished child of God

A Hope and a Prayer

Have you ever thought about doing something so far out of your comfort zone? Perhaps its traveling or starting a new job, maybe its simply going to a new place and meeting new people.

I am challenging myself to attempt to do something which takes a bit of discipline and time. It will hopefully help me purge through my feelings and digest some of the deep down feelings that I have not yet sorted through.

I am going to take the time to re-read the posts and use them as inspiration to reflect and push me to move forward. I want to be my biggest cheerleader and I want to be retrospective.

This will hopefully be a time where I grow and find the voice that I have been speaking about on this blog. I have put it out there that direction, strength, and steps forward are what I have been desperately searching for and I am hoping this new self disciplined adventure will assist me in putting one foot in front of the other.

I apologize for the evasiveness of this post as I am not sure I am quite ready to reveal what my new adventure is going to be, but perhaps there will come a time when I describe what I am up to. As for now I hope that each of you will find that new adventure great or small that helps you put one foot in front of the other.

Tough, Gritty, and Beautiful - Women in the Olympics

For the first time every country participating in the Olympics sent a female athlete to compete and represent her country. Additionally, the United States sent more female athletes and the female athletes of the USA definitely pulled their weight proving to be amazing competitors and winners in their elective sports.

One of the best descriptions about female athletes came after the gold medal match in women's soccer (football) where the USA took on Japan and the US women's team won Gold.

"Tough, gritty, and beautiful" stated one commentator, a male commentator, about the women's soccer (football) team.

I loved hearing this description. I have written a few pieces on this blog about femininity and the "lost in translation" definition it has become in today's society. Especially, in the USA.

Femininity has been so closely linked to sexuality that I think we have actually forgotten the strength and spirit behind the sense women should feel when describing their femininity. The reason I loved the description above from the male sports commentator is the complexity and variance in the words used to describe the women's soccer (football) team and perhaps the very accomplished women's USA Olympic delegation.

I have sometimes wondered why I feel this "subconscious" need to be a circle peg to fit in when I was created with so many more edges. Tough, gritty, and beautiful; why would I want to shave off any of those descriptors.

Just some random thoughts for today...

Love a perfectly tarnished child of God

The only thing I am going to say about Chick-fil-a

Now that the dust has settled I hope and pray we can all have deeper more productive conversations.


Yes freedom of speech and religion are vital to our soul as a nation. It would be a huge catastrophe to loose a basic and held dear right which so many have fought and lost their lives.


On the flip side we have to also understand the complexity of what "it" also became and how other American citizen

s, specifically the LGBT community, would feel and do feel with regards to being discriminated against and are not able to partake in the same and equal benefits. In addition to the hurt they feel toward where some of the money has gone in support of groups, organizations, and initiatives which specifically fight against or attempt to "repair" the LGBT citizens. 

The issue at hand is far more complicated when it comes to faith and sexuality. I feel as a nation we should be united in the protection of free speech and religion and we should be united in the equal benefits to all US citizens even in disagreement. All sides need to come to the table...


Love,
A perfectly tarnished child of God

Yikes its been a long time...AGAIN...

I feel like the boy who cried wolf in the old fairy tail we grew up hearing. In fact, it was one of my favorite Disney short films which I don't think is even in circulation anymore... Yikes another realization on how old I am truly becoming.

Anyways as the boy who cried wolf, in promising to be more proactive and consistent in writing on this blog, I am going to confess my reality and the reality which all of you have probably come to accept from me... I will not be making any promises as to how many times I will write on this blog or share my thoughts. I will however, attempt over and over again to commit to writing on this blog. I guess you could equate this with my dieting and/or exercising habits. Its a constant promise and let down... So sorry, but no more broken promises just reality. Maybe with the correct expectations will bring more consistency or maybe it will bring just the same :)

I must confess that I think the difficult part is actually being disciplined enough to actually write when something pops into my head that I think I want to put out there on the blogosphere. I will admit that I am far from being disciplined, but do have many ideas which pop into my head. So in the spirit of correct expectations I am going to try and utilize my super cool smart phone and actually write in the ideas which do pop into my head. We'll see how this goes?!?

My second issue, is that I have never been a person to keep a journal or write out my emotions or feelings. I seem to speak them better then write them. But since there is no one following me around with a recorder I guess I am going to have to figure out how to come to grips with the fact that I need to actually be a bit more centered and take the time to write out my thoughts and feelings.

My third and perhaps biggest struggle with this blog, is the vulnerability it takes to write it. I am an incredibly private and guarded person and I really do struggle with the idea of letting my thoughts fly. You might be saying to yourself then stop writing the blog, stop torturing yourself and giving out false expectation to others that you are going to be consistent in your writing... All good thoughts and challenges to me. All things that I have thought about and weighed myself. But there is more and more of my internal self which is desperately asking to be let out, desperately asking for me to give it a chance; to give it a voice. So with this desperation and internal dichotomy I will continue to write.

But I have learned that I am writing for me. So for those of you who stumble on this blog, who look to see if I have awoken and written again, or those who are friends and family who frequent it just because... thank you and perhaps I will be a better more consistent voice or perhaps I will be the same old blogger... but at lease I feel the bar is set correctly :)

Love a perfectly tarnished child of God

Question/Comment - Gay Marriage; Perhaps Marriage in General

The below comment/question was posted to my latest blog entitled More Consistency & Lessons on Love

Thank u for your post. I live in ca and have been married for 7 years and me n my hubby also have spats that can be totally avoided. I was interested in reading Marks review until I read all the mixed reviews. I stumbled onto this page from your husbands page. I heard him on the radio last week. I was just wondering about gay marriage we had prop 8 here in ca and it just bothers me that people think I hate gay people because I do not support them getting married. What is ur take seeing as you work so closely in the community? I am just looking for answers and it seems every one is afraid to speak out against it because they are viewed as bigots ?

Here are my thoughts:

First, I want to say that I am not going to reveal my personal thoughts on Gay marriage. I believe that because we live in a country that allows for freedom of speech, thought, and religion it is vital that each of us take the time to formulate our own thoughts on issues based on free will not influence by others or entities (I include religious institutions in entities). As a U.S. citizen and Christian I feel I need to be cognizant with my choices as it relates to certain issues, policies, and political outcomes. I do not shy away from how I would vote and have supported varying efforts with regards to Gay marriage (you may infer what you wish from that statement).

Second, I think it is vital that as you decide how to move forward in your support or lack of support for Gay marriage you consider three different areas when assessing how to vote.

The first, looking through your "moral" lens. The lens which has dictated your ethical, right or wrong, and/or standards for life. As a Christian there are a variety of lenses one may use as the compass for this "moral" lens depending on where you fall on the spectrum from progressive to conservative. Unfortunately, I believe this lens has become bigger then it should be and has clouded some of our judgement in making appropriate decisions with regards to voting and/or supporting. As a check and balance we need to also be aware of other factors which affect the way we do vote on other issues or the way in which we should vote for all issues. Your "moral" lens can only be determined by you as an individual and there is no right or wrong answer primarily with where you decide your individual convictions are with regards to this lens. (Please understand I am speaking from a western perspective to a question asked by a U.S. citizen. I would have a much different thought process with regards to what is happening around the world like in Uganda)

This then leads me and us to the other two areas which I feel we need to look at when voting for and/or supporting what is deemed contentious areas.

Second, it is important to look at the legal aspect. Since we are speaking about Gay marriage it is important that we ask ourselves if two Adult U.S. citizens have the same legal rights whether that person is Gay or Straight. There are a number of rights and privileges which have been granted to "married" couples in this country. We need to ask ourselves do we feel it is legally right or wrong to limit the access to these rights and privileges based on sexuality.

Third, we need to assess Gay marriage through a lens of Human Rights. You need to ask yourself does an Adult who is a U.S. citizen have the same rights to live, marry, and love another consenting Adult of their choosing. Should they be given the same choice to enter into a marriage contract as do each heterosexual adult. Lets face it the concept of marriage as it is represented with in modern society and as it is viewed by our federal and state governments is simply a binding contract.

These three lenses are how I try to look at each issue.

However, I will say that because we have freedom of religion in this country I do believe that if/when Gay marriage is legalized that churches, denomination, and religious institutions should be able to determine their individual stances on how they will choose to proceed with their individual bi-laws as it relates to Gay marriage. I do believe that religious institutions should be able and have the right to determine that performing a Gay marriage ceremony is not in alignment with their interpretation of scripture, but in the same breathe I do believe all religious institutions need to recognize and work with an existing Gay couple and perhaps one day a Gay married couple.

Just as in the debate over providing insurance coverage for contraception and abortion, I am a huge advocate for women's rights and do believe there are still many inequalities for women. I do not believe we should force certain people groups, institutions, and religious groups to have to provide something they believe is not in alignment with their belief system whether or not I agree.

In this pluralistic society and possibly post-Christian nation we need to understand what is our Kingdom purpose in loving people as Jesus loved and making sure that all of God's children know they are loved and lovable.

Kurt Cameron has been in the news lately for his comments. I have not seen the interview so I do not believe that I can review what was said. However, I did see a brief clip of the conversation where he talked about Adam and Eve as being the first "married" couple. I believe he said something to the effect of marriage being almost as old as dirt. I do not agree with his statement. I do not believe that "marriage" was why Adam and Eve were created. In fact, I think the only thing we could say is older then dirt is the concept of partnership. We can not presume to understand or even imagine what God's divine purpose was for the two people in the Garden of Eden because it got screwed up before anything could even happen or at least be recorded in scripture. Many scholars even have different views on whether or not we could even call Adam and Eve male and female by our current human definitions (but I digress). If we are to take marriage from biblical times, then we as women especially, would be incredible disappointed in the relationship we would be forced to be a part. Marriage as we understand it is a very modern day concept which has been twisted, changed, evolved, and modernized to fit our current time period...

Perhaps you are frustrated with my answer, but I think it is very important that each of us step back and truly think through our thoughts and positions. No, I do not think you are a bigot if you disagree because disagreements are what helps us as a people grow and stretch, but you do need to be willing to grow and stretch. You need to be willing to take the time to look into the issues at hand. Learn about it from all perspectives not just the one that has been thrust upon you from one side or the other. You need to ask yourself where you fall within the three different lenses and what will help you establish kingdom here on earth.

- A perfectly tarnished child of God

More consistancy & Lessons on Love

In my attempt to find my voice again I am going to try and write more on this blog. Hopefully that helps those who are curious about my thoughts, feelings and experiences will visit on a more consistent basis because I am writing on a more consistent basis. I believe I made this promise before and failed, but here we go again... Ready set share :)

As Andrew and I approach our five year wedding anniversary we have begun to reflect over the last years together. There have been a lot of challenges, some amazing experiences and there are some really cool events coming up in our future.

However this five year anniversary, has been a really cool mile stone marker to take a look at our marriage and the partnership which we have truly enjoyed (and sometimes really disliked). Since the release of Mark Driscoll and his wife's book on marriage there seems to be a lot of discussion about marriage and relationships. I must preface that I have not read Mark's book on marriage so this will not be a review. I have read some reviews but don't really care to pick up his book. Mark and his wife and I don't really see eye to eye on most of their feelings about life and scripture so it would not be a book or a voice that would ever speak to me. But this is no judgement if that book did speak to you or was helpful... it has only inspired me to write and share a bit on this subject at least in the experience thus far within my life and relationship...

One of the biggest lessons that I am learning in marriage is that we love differently. The way we show love and the way we give love is very different. It has at times been the contention in our relationship and the prolonging of some major fights which probably would have ended much faster if Andrew and I saw the world exactly the same. However, it has also been one of the biggest way in which we have grown together and has stretched our ability to feel for others and interact more holistically within our world.

We are complete opposites and I believe that was one of the major aspects that attracted me to Andrew and of course Andrew to I. I saw in him some the characteristics that I either wished I possessed or wished I could improve on. In the same breathe these characteristics are also the most foreign to me and the ones which get under my skin the most. So yes in this very twisted life of relationships I love and hate the same things about Andrew...

I am learning how important it is to extend myself a bit and make myself a bit uncomfortable in order to meet the needs of Andrew. Because I love him that much I am willing to move beyond what I know, desire, and expect to meet him at a place which he feels safe and loved. Of course Andrew is learning to do the same.

Its not easy, but so worth it. Yes, we all love differently, but its not a wrong way to love. We just need to respect, learn, and evolve in the way we love together.

- A perfectly tarnished child of God

When I laid the first brick in my "safety" wall

It has been quite awhile since I posted on my blog. I haven't had words or the ability to share for the last few months. 2011 was an incredibly difficult year for me personally. As many of you have read my posts know (but for those that this may be the first) I was laid off at Christmas in 2010 and we had three failed IVF attempts from 2009 to 2010 which sent me spiraling into what I am able to truly now label a deep depression. I no longer had the capacity in my mind to be able to function, feel, communicate, and interact with the world around me.

To be honest with myself and each of you I have very little memory of what even occurred this past year. I was completely numb in fact I really could only feel the physical effects of my depression in the form of my skin hurting when people tried to reach out and comfort me through touch or feeling ill, tired, and heavy everyday. However, even with these physical responses I was either too terrified or too overwhelmed to allow myself to feel any deep emotion. I convinced myself that if I stayed in this numb space I would be able to have some control over what was happening, but in reality I had lost all control and in the meantime had lost all understanding of what was happening to me that an entire year passed with out me even realizing.

Around December as Christmas began to become even more present I started to come out of my "fog" and I sought help for what was happening. In a brief moment of clarity which I can only give to God's grace I realized that I had slipped into a deep dark hole and if I didn't take a step forward I would potentially continue to fall deeper into the abyss of what was my inner self; my numbness; my protective walled off box.

I entitled this post realizing when I laid my first brick on my "safety" wall because at 31 I realized that even before my depression I had created this incredibly high and thick wall that surrounded my inner most feelings. Not only did it not let me feel completely, but it purposefully kept me distant from others. At first glance I would tell you that my wall was a protection and I was proud of it. It, according to my own self, kept me grounded so that I could navigate life more precisely and realistically. However, as I hit my rock bottom I realized that the wall was a coping mechanism which allowed me to deflect and run away from anything which was real in regards to my feelings.

I didn't know how to laugh and love with everything in my soul nor did I know how to grieve and feel sad with all the emotions and feelings which were warranted in a particular moment. Something in me told me that if I ever allowed myself to go to these "high" and/or "low" points of emotion I would loose control and not be able to return... return from what, I don't know, but my wall had internally convinced me that it was there for my protection and together we (myself and the wall) were going to be great partners in living my life.

While healing I have realized that yes, I laid the first brick many many many years ago as a protection of my personality of who God made me. I would describe myself as being a bit off and I enjoy walking to the beat of my own drummer. A long time ago when people in my life began to protest or "make-fun" of my interpretations of this world I laid the first brick because I wanted to protect what I truly believed was a gift from God, that my internal belief system is different. Unfortunately, overtime what was supposed to be a protection to allow me to fully express who I was became a block for me to hide and deflect from those around me, loosing myself behind this wall.

I am working (slowly) to remove each brick that I laid, for whatever reason, to this wall so that I will be able to fully know the incredible child which God created in His/Her image!

I am loved and I am lovable

A perfectly tarnished child of God

Reflections

Today I sit with my dad at Northwestern Memorial hospital in Chicago as my mom has surgery. Its an interesting place for me as I know that this hospital is one of the best in the world and my mother is in really good hands, yet this is the same hospital where for a year Andrew and I came with so much hope and anticipation.

It has been about a year and half since our last attempt at IVF. I am trying to heal still and admit that the wound is possibly deeper now then when I was first told of our infertility issues. I guess its because reality has begun to settle in that Andrew and I may not have children naturally. Additionally, the reality of adoption seems so far off right now for us as well. I feel betrayed by my body, my emotions, societal expectations, anticipations, and the dream of having a family.

I will admit that since being laid off back in December of 2010 I have been emotionally stunted and have tried to cover up everything that I am feeling. I have tried to invest in other people and ignore all of the things which I should be healing in myself.

I have searched for a job to no avail, but I think a lot of that has to do with the lack of confidence that I have in myself. I didn't realize that getting laid off and not being able to have a baby would take such an extreme toll on my body and emotional well being. I specifically didn't realize that it would drain me of my confidence and strength to be a productive member of society.

On the outside I look like I have defeated the black hole, but on the inside I am stuck in its perpetual circular motion. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want, and I lack the confidence to be proud in what I have done and the strength to be able to do more and/or move forward.

I want to be significant, not in a narcissistic way, but knowing that I have in some way changed the world around me for the better. I don't want to loose the naivety that I could truly still make a difference in this world, my community, my city, and a life.

Where is my voice...

• Is it in my travels, I have lived around the world, and completed global projects
• Is it in my education, I have two masters degrees, two graduate certificates, and two undergrad degree majors (yeah its a bit overkill)
• Is it in my professional experiences, I have been the director of international relations, the manager of training and employee relations, the managing director of operations, and currently the director of operations for The Marin Foundation...

Or is my voice in something else,

• The pain of infertility, the loss of not being able to have children (at least currently - I still believe and am faithful to God who does miracles)
• Being a female who is fighting for reconciliation and recognition of women in the church
• Challenging the seemingly one demension that is fed by our media and society to our young girls and boys as to what and who women are
• A wife who is trying to learn to be a solid partner and work alongside her husband to show what it means to love authentically as we have been asked to do
• A friend who is willing to step outside of her comfort zone in order to be uncomfortable and live in the tension
• A person who loves her neighbor and those perceived to be the "enemy" with unconditional love and devotion. To be a living representation of what it means to love with out expectation or outcome. To truly believe in a relationship that goes the journey and dignify all stories.

I know my voice is the combination of all aspects and one day I will find how to merge it all... Until then I will continue to fight to get out of my perpetual black hole and find my voice...

A perfectly tarnished child of God :)