Brenda.Marin - Faithfully walking life's journey

Reflections

2011-11-09T10:58:00.000-06:00

Today I sit with my dad at Northwestern Memorial hospital in Chicago as my mom has surgery. Its an interesting place for me as I know that this hospital is one of the best in the world and my mother is in really good hands, yet this is the same hospital where for a year Andrew and I came with so much hope and anticipation.

It has been about a year and half since our last attempt at IVF. I am trying to heal still and admit that the wound is possibly deeper now then when I was first told of our infertility issues. I guess its because reality has begun to settle in that Andrew and I may not have children naturally. Additionally, the reality of adoption seems so far off right now for us as well. I feel betrayed by my body, my emotions, societal expectations, anticipations, and the dream of having a family.

I will admit that since being laid off back in December of 2010 I have been emotionally stunted and have tried to cover up everything that I am feeling. I have tried to invest in other people and ignore all of the things which I should be healing in myself.

I have searched for a job to no avail, but I think a lot of that has to do with the lack of confidence that I have in myself. I didn't realize that getting laid off and not being able to have a baby would take such an extreme toll on my body and emotional well being. I specifically didn't realize that it would drain me of my confidence and strength to be a productive member of society.

On the outside I look like I have defeated the black hole, but on the inside I am stuck in its perpetual circular motion. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want, and I lack the confidence to be proud in what I have done and the strength to be able to do more and/or move forward.

I want to be significant, not in a narcissistic way, but knowing that I have in some way changed the world around me for the better. I don't want to loose the naivety that I could truly still make a difference in this world, my community, my city, and a life.

Where is my voice...

Is it in my travels, I have lived around the world, and completed global projects
Is it in my education, I have two masters degrees, two graduate certificates, and two undergrad degree majors (yeah its a bit overkill)
Is it in my professional experiences, I have been the director of international relations, the manager of training and employee relations, the managing director of operations, and currently the director of operations for The Marin Foundation...

Or is my voice in something else,

The pain of infertility, the loss of not being able to have children (at least currently - I still believe and am faithful to God who does miracles)
Being a female who is fighting for reconciliation and recognition of women in the church
Challenging the seemingly one demension that is fed by our media and society to our young girls and boys as to what and who women are
A wife who is trying to learn to be a solid partner and work alongside her husband to show what it means to love authentically as we have been asked to do
A friend who is willing to step outside of her comfort zone in order to be uncomfortable and live in the tension
A person who loves her neighbor and those perceived to be the "enemy" with unconditional love and devotion. To be a living representation of what it means to love with out expectation or outcome. To truly believe in a relationship that goes the journey and dignify all stories.

I know my voice is the combination of all aspects and one day I will find how to merge it all... Until then I will continue to fight to get out of my perpetual black hole and find my voice...

A perfectly tarnished child of God :)

Can we finally be over the Kardashians

2011-11-02T17:08:00.002-05:00

Okay I know this post is random, but in light of the recent Kardashian divorce taking over all news outlets I wanted to express some thoughts...

First, what is the fascination with this family:

I think it comes down to a desire for those of us in the general population to simply want to find an outlet for the realities of our own lives. I will admit that I bought into the consumption only family, The Kardashians, in their first season on E!. I enjoyed it and it was an escape to watch this dysfunctional family live in all of their opulence. However, by the second season, I personally had become quite board and disheartened when I realized they really did simply consume consume consume and you never saw any of them give back this great wealth which was pretty much given to them be adoring fans of the general population. I felt a bit stupid that I even gave them one season as I realized they bring absolutely no value other then to help boost the economy with regards to their spending habits. They have accomplished very little other then being Hollywood royalty with fame based on their looks alone and a sex tape with a some-what famous person. I guess Bruce Jenner and their late father are the ones which introduced the Kardashians to famous people, but why they actually are famous I think a lot of people are now wondering.

All that to say I understand their draw for most people. You can watch this family who gets everything they want in the world, who don't have to make sacrifices or care about tomorrow. They are completely selfish. But that was a release for most of us. A dream of what if that was us. What if we were like the Kardashians. That is why I think so many people liked their show. It frankly has very little to do with the characters involved, but more that it provided a fantasy for all of us to escape to.

Second, point of contention in my random post, can we as a public claim to be betrayed by Kim's "wedding":

Personally, I think the entire thing was a sham. Perhaps there were some feelings, but if I were a betting person I would say that the main reason for the entire production was simply that a production, which netted a lot of people quite a lot of money and publicity. I do believe the Kardashian family made a quite a bit of money off the two huge special episodes which aired Kim's "wedding." But can we as a public claim to feel betrayed. I guess it comes down to two thoughts. If their fame and fortune has been tied to the generosity of the public then perhaps the public owns a part of these "reality" stars and therefore the public should be given an apology and they have been betrayed, but if we as the public are dumb enough to continue to support these people then perhaps they can continue to spew out crap as long as someone is willing to watch and therefore they owe the public nothing.

Third point: Yes, I do think this pathetic wedding/marriage is a slap to marriage traditionalists:

In the heat of the marriage debate the continuation of heterosexuals screwing it up big time definitely takes away some of the "thunder" and "ammunition" used to deter the general public from supporting gay marriage. If some Christians (which the Kardashians at lease claim to be spiritual and pray) are fighting so hard to stop gay marriage then why are they not setting an incredible example of what "marriage" is supposed to look like. Why is divorce in the church at the same rate as in the general public? Why is adultery common within the church walls yet a blind eye is always turned? What do you think hurts children more the destruction of their parents marriage in divorce and the betrayal of adultery or the marriage between two consenting adults?

Just my thoughts...

A perfectly tarnished child of God

I am unapologeticly a follower of Jesus

2011-09-07T15:09:00.000-05:00

Lately, I have had some people question my faith and devotion to Jesus. So I am making a very public statement about unapologeticly loving and following Jesus... There question no more...

But then I began to wonder why was this question even being raised. Was I not portraying a life reflective of Jesus? Was I not living a life which was so counter-cultural to today's norm that others notice a difference?

So I asked some of my "so-called" accusers and most of their responses had something to do with a specific denomination or in my case the lack of an affiliation with a specific denomination. Other responses had to do with my more progressive views on women and their ability to lead within the church and Christian faith...

So in this short but sweet post I want to say that no I am not a pretty package all tied up neatly with a perfect bow. I do like to rock the boat, go against the grain, and push boundaries. I want to live a life that is different, authentic and transparent. I want people to see Jesus in me in everything that I do... even as a woman :)

So no I am not officially affiliated with any denomination nor do I choose to be. I was raised evangelical and I do appreciate the vulnerability and rawness of emotion they have when praising Jesus, but I don't know if I am fully "evangelical" anymore...

I guess all I am saying is that I love Jesus. I want to follow the example which has been set out for me to follow. I know I will fail. I know I have many short comings which will get in the way of my journey to be like Jesus, but I will not be defined by a denominations legalistic rules and regulations and I most certainly will rise above whatever traditional roles you believe as a female Christian I am supposed to play...

Love,
A perfectly tarnished child of God

Interesting Article in Today's Online Chicago Tribune - About Infertility

2011-08-10T12:24:00.000-05:00

www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/chi-trice-dupe-110810-column,0,619925.column

chicagotribune.com

For infertile couples, help and support

During trying times, hopefuls will hear success stories and talk to clinics and doctors at conference

Dawn Turner Trice

August 10, 2011

Katie Davis, 24, lost her ovaries to cancer when she was 12. Doctors told her that if she wanted to have a baby one day, she would have to use donor eggs and undergo in vitro fertilization. She has been trying to have a baby since September 2010, but so far no luck.

Davis said infertile women sometimes feel like members of a "silent sorority."

"Women are quiet about infertility because they're so ashamed," said Davis, of Bolingbrook. "If you want to have children and you can't do that, you may feel your womanhood has been taken away."

On Saturday, Davis and her husband will share their story at a free conference on infertility and adoption, called A Family of My Own, in Glenview.

Conference organizers say the event will be an opportunity for people to learn from a variety of experts who run in vitro fertilization centers, surrogacy programs and adoption agencies; who teach couples how to raise money for the costly procedures; and who explain how scientific advances are enhancing a couple's ability to conceive.

For more information on the conference and to register, go to afamilyofmyown.com.

Dr. Angeline Beltsos, a reproductive endocrinologist and infertility specialist, is medical director of the Chicago-based Fertility Centers of Illinois. She said that couples navigating infertility need a strong support network because the process is often taxing physically and emotionally.

"When they're going through treatment, they have to come in for ultrasounds, blood tests and even surgery," said Beltsos, who will be speaking at the conference. "They have busy lives. But what tries them the most is the anguish when all their work doesn't produce a baby.

"When they find a safe place to share their stories, it gives people hope that (they can have a baby) one way or another. We can help them."

But help is often quite expensive. Beltsos said a round of in vitro fertilization, or IVF, costs about $15,000 to $17,000 without use of donor eggs; surrogacy can range from $50,000 to $100,000; and, adoption starts near $40,000.

In Illinois, companies that have at least 25 employees and provide insurance that covers pregnancy-related benefits must also cover all or some fertility treatments. Although there are exemptions, the state is one of the few in the country to require companies to do so.

But costs related to surrogacy remain a large hurdle for some parents-to-be.

Katie O'Brien, 32, of Wadsworth, learned she had uterine fibroids in August 2005. Doctors told her that conceiving a child would be difficult, despite five surgeries to help correct the problem. She and her husband tried to conceive via IVF for two years before deciding to use a surrogate.

"When we found out how expensive surrogacy was, I cried the whole way home," said O'Brien, a patient at Fertility Centers of Illinois. "If you don't have insurance, you can find grants to help you pay for fertility treatment or adoption. But we couldn't find anything for surrogacy. A lot of costs related to surrogacy are similar to adoption."

She said she came across the Facebook page of the nonprofit Birdies for Babies, an annual golf outing that allows couples to raise money to pay for infertility treatments. With the help of family and friends, O'Brien, an elementary school teacher, and her husband, an accountant, raised $30,000 toward their costs of roughly $60,000.

"We found a surrogate whose insurance should cover the pregnancy," said O'Brien, whose blog is at prayingforbabyobrien.blogspot.com. "That's keeping us on the low end of the price range. We'll pay for the rest with savings and help from family and begin trying in September."

One of the conference sponsors is the Broken Brown Egg (thebrokenbrownegg.org), a nonprofit started by Regina Townsend, 29, an Oak Park resident, who aims to destigmatize infertility in the black community.

Townsend, who is black, said that when she and her husband were having difficulty getting pregnant, she found very few resources directed toward women of color.

"When we talk about reproductive health and black women, it's always about contraception and prevention, abortion and (sexually transmitted diseases)," said Townsend. "It's always everything before fertility."

She said there's a misconception that blacks don't have problems conceiving, don't adopt and can't afford the treatments.

"Until I started talking about infertility, I couldn't find one member of even my own family who would admit this was something our family has dealt with before," Townsend said. "You want to feel you're not alone, but you want information. You want to be proactive."

Beltsos said conferences such as A Family of My Own help make couples aware of what's available to them. That includes the breakthroughs in the science of fertility treatments.

For example, the advances in the technology for freezing eggs have taken off dramatically over the last decade thanks in part to work done in Italy, Japan and Korea. She said such advancements have had a profound effect on women diagnosed with cancer.

"We will pull eggs out and have them preserved for when the woman's done with chemo," Beltsos said. "Women can come back once they're cured from cancer and use their own biological eggs. No one would question that the most important thing is saving her life, but afterward it shifts the focus from surviving cancer to living one's life."

Davis said that when she was diagnosed with cancer at 12, her cancer was too aggressive to consider taking time to save her eggs.

"From the beginning, I knew I would have to go the IVF route," said Davis. "There's no guarantee it's going to work. We ran out of eggs the first time and now we're starting back at square one."

Davis, who also had a fundraiser through Birdies for Babies, said she believes it's important to share her story. She said a woman her husband knew in high school read about their ordeal on her blog (at katieandpatsivfjourney.blogspot.com) and offered to donate her eggs.

"It's amazing that things like this happen," said Davis. "At first, we were both not sure whether we should talk about (the infertility). But just by being so open with our story and speaking at events, we believe we're also helping others.

"I've been in remission for 11 years. I'm cancer-free. The last thing is this, and once I have a baby, I'll know cancer didn't take anything away from me."

dtrice@tribune.com

Copyright © 2011, Chicago Tribune

Lessons on Adoption - Good or Bad these are my feelings

2011-08-05T17:19:00.000-05:00

Its incredibly difficult and quite emotional to write this post. Many have asked where Andrew and I are at with regards to our decision to adopt. I guess you could say that I naively or prematurely wrote my very excited blog about moving forward with adoption.

We had done some investigation into adoption, but we had not done all of our homework. As I stated in a previous blog, part of my healing at least for the time being in the place that I am currently at, I would like to adopt a baby, a newborn. Andrew and I don't have any preference on the gender of the child, and have thought very hard about race. For the purposes of too many opinions I will leave the descriptions of our thoughts surrounding race as a non-factor and something I don't feel needs to be discussed in an open forum. If you want to speak to me further then I don't mind in a private setting. Perhaps over coffee :)

Anyway, in our beginning steps we discovered the absolutely disgusting and dark side of adoption. Now here is where race does play a part, but played little in our decision with regards to adoption (hopefully that made sense). Depending on the race of a child depended on the cost and the availability of a baby. If you desired a Caucasian baby where both biological parents were both "white" then it would cost you between $32,000 to $42,000. That cost covers... actually I don't know what exactly, considering if you would like to adopt an African American baby the cost is from $12,000 to $15,000. These costs were fairly consistent whether we chose to go through an adoption agency or through a private adoption attorney.

So I began to ask myself where does the money go... And if its to cover administrative costs, medical costs, and counseling costs for both before and after care of the biological mother how then is the cost between one race so much more then another? My understanding is that paperwork is blind to color, medical costs are blind to color, counseling is blind to color...

In the midst of being in a very dark and painful place of not being able to have children on my own (unless God does a miracle - here is to believing still in miracles!) I am angered, annoyed, frustrated, and hurt by the cost of adoption and the idea that its free to make a baby but requires that only the wealthy can afford to adopt. I guess I realized why so many adopt much later in life, its simply when they could afford to do so.

Now some may say, Brenda, there is a tax break and I would say yes there is and its around $13,000 assuming the adoption goes through you can file the adoption costs on your tax and receive the credit. However, that does not in anyway cover the costs associated with adopting a child who is not African-American nor does it cover the costs if the adoption does not go through...

Oh yes, and that leads me to the other devastating news we received as we moved into the adoption world. You may pay your $12,000 to $42,000 and it may not result in you receiving a child. Sadly there is little recourse for you in receiving any of your money back. This may sound heartless on my end, but when you barely have enough money for yourself right now you can't imagine potentially letting go of a significant amount without any guarantee... Plus I know what it already means to give a significant amount of cash away for no guarantee with three failed IVF attempts.

So I have no update other then Andrew and I are childless we may be for a very long time or for the rest of our lives. I have cried out to our Lord and asked for a miracle, but I have also come to understand that some times the miracle we are asking for is not in God's ultimate plan no matter how much I don't understand. We can not afford to adopt at this point in our life so any movement forward in pursuing adoption has come to a screeching and very painful stop. Perhaps one day when we are at a different time we will begin to pursue adoption again.

I have been on an extreme emotional roller coaster with so many slammed doors that I am desperately trying to learn how to pick myself up amongst this deep disappointment. I am angry with my body, I am angry with the system, I am angry that I believe adoption has become a profit centered service which preys on those with deep wounds. I believe they have put a "legal" spin on baby selling and it sickens me to my core...

That is it that is all I have to say... I am going to take a break from writing anything with regards to our struggles to have or adopt children because I have no momentum forward in our story with regards to this subject.

A perfectly tarnished child of God

Article: Which Gender Do American's Prefer...

2011-06-24T19:37:00.001-05:00

Americans Like Baby Boys Best (article)

Stephanie Pappas, LiveScience Senior Writer
LiveScience.com Stephanie Pappas, Livescience Senior Writer
livescience.com
Fri Jun 24, 10:20 am ET

If they were only allowed to have one child, more Americans would prefer it be a boy rather than a girl, a new survey finds.

Despite the intervening woman's movement, the results are very similar to those found when the same question was asked of Americans in 1941.

The Gallup polling agency asked a random sample of 1,020 American adults whether they'd prefer to have a girl or a boy if they could only chose one. Forty percent said they'd pick a boy, 28 percent said they would want a girl, and the rest didn't mind either way or weren't sure.

In 1941, Americans asked a similar question responded with 38 percent preferring a boy, 24 percent preferring a girl, and the rest with no preference. The question has been asked eight other times in the intervening years, with the numbers remaining fairly constant.

The preference for boys over girls is driven by men, 49 percent of whom said they'd want a son. Only 22 percent said they'd prefer a daughter. Women, in contrast, showed no significant preference, with 31 percent preferring a boy and 32 percent preferring a girl. [Boy or Girl: Which Gender Baby Would You Pick?]

Americans younger than 30 are the most likely to say they'd prefer a boy, with 54 percent making that choice, and 27 percent preferring a baby girl. The gap then declines steadily with age. Education also plays a role: People with a postgraduate education break even in their preferences, while 44 percent of those with a high-school education or less prefer boys, compared with 25 percent who prefer girls.

It's not known how many parents in the United States have the opportunity to select what sex they'd like their baby to be, but sex-selective abortions in other countries have skewed the gender balance. Normally, 105 baby boys are born for every 100 girls. According to China's census, 118 baby boys were born for every 100 girls in 2010. Kits that promise to reveal the sex of a baby at just a few weeks' gestation have raised fears of similar sex-selective abortion in Western countries, Gallup officials said.

It is so vital that we as women continue to voice the purpose of equality and give positive examples to young women in all aspects of life. This will not only change the way women and young girls view themselves, but also the way men and young boys view us.

Adoption Update

2011-05-21T11:54:00.000-05:00

Andrew and I have finally begun some of the steps forward in our adoption journey. I want to share a bit of where we are at and some of the choices that we are making within the adoption world.

First, I think its important to share where I am at in my own healing process. This August will be a year after our final and third attempt at IVF. Andrew and I went through clomid, an IUI and three failed IVF attempts. If you have not been through infertility treatments it is not easy to explain all of the treatments, medications, shots, tests, and very personal questions and interviews. The procedures are long and painful, but I think most women would choose to go through it if they thought they could conceive. It wasn't so much the pain of the shots and procedures, but the agony felt emotionally when the attempts failed. I don't know what it means to have a miscarriage but after four attempts of truly believing and hoping you were pregnant and getting the very cold phone call that the procedure did not take there is considerable loss and pain. In order to go through the long invasive procedures you have to have hope that everything was going to work and I will admit that I truly felt pregnant during the two week waiting period every time. Its devastating and quite lonely.

It has taken me almost a year to be able to heal and truly come to terms with the fact that I am going to be a wonderful mother, and that we, Andrew and I are going to make great parents! In the year of healing I told many people that I was of course thinking about adoption, but I knew those were just words and had no meaning behind them it was just the appropriate answer to give when people talked to me about infertility and adoption. Most people who spoke to me had never been through infertility and I will admit there were times I was so angry with them as they talked about adoption. I know their intentions were pure, but it tore my heart a part and I continued to hear in my head the old saying "easier said then done..."

Before I could move forward in adopting I had to know within myself that adoption was not a plan B it was not a second choice. I dedicated a lot of time healing. The bottom line is that I will always have a scar, but that scar has healed and its visible, but the pain is less and I am reminded of the journey I have been on and the exciting new journey I am about to begin.

Bringing us back to our adoption journey...

We have connected with the appropriate people and are staring to review our finances and apply for grants. Andrew and I utilized a majority of our personal funds for IVF and well in all honesty do not have the funds at this time to pursue adoption. However, it is important to start somewhere :) In these first few stages we are creating an adoption plan and discussing what options are available to us. At this time Andrew and I have decided to try for a domestic adoption. Part of my personal healing is that I would like to have a newborn. If I can't have babies of my own I would like the opportunity to have a newborn and experience everything I can in their lives. This may change, but as of today this is the starting point of our adoption plan. We are open to what is called a private adoption, semi-private, and open adoption. The differences are pretty much explained in the names but briefly a private means the adoption is closed, a semi-private means that there is exchange of very basic demographic, biological, and historical information and finally open means there is exchange of information on a more consistent basis and the two families are both involved on some level within the child's life.

According to the people we are working with domestic adoption runs from $10,000 to $40,000 with the average unfortunately being closer to the $40,000. Andrew and I of course don't even have the $10,000 at this time, but we are faithful that the Lord will provide and knows our hearts and desire to be parents.

In the next few weeks we will be discussing how we can do fund raisers, apply for as many grants as possible, look for loans, and figure out if we have any savings that we don't know about :).

I will be posting an application on my blog if you would like to help donate to our adoption. Additionally, I will be updating on this blog where we are at in the process.

Please pray with us for the following:

1. Direction in finances
2. Patience in the process
3. To not be discouraged
4. Prayer for the baby which will one day be with Andrew and I
5. Prayer for the mother who will carry her baby for 9 months and still choose adoption
6. Prayer for the father who will also make a huge decision to give up his baby for adoption
7. Prayer for continued healing emotionally

Sorry I have been away for a bit

2011-04-25T15:45:00.002-05:00

Hi all

I apologize that I have been away for quite a bit of time. Andrew and I have been on some amazing and long travels. We were in DC in the early part of April to be with very good and dear friends. I was even able to celebrate my birthday with them. We then arrived home did a massive amount of laundry and turned around for a month long trip to the UK. We spent the last three weeks speaking at Spring Harvest (yes both speaking).

We are currently in Eastbourne staying with some wonderful friends. In a couple of days we will be heading for Scotland where Andrew is speaking at a couple of universities including St Andrews. We then head to London and in about a week fly home.

I can't wait to share and write more. I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.

A perfectly tarnished child of God

Officially Speaking with The Marin Foundation

2011-03-24T13:03:00.000-05:00

Hi all:

Well as I have been on a very bumpy ride within my life so far I have also been asked on occasion to share my story. I have fallen in love with speaking to groups on a variety of topics. The audiences have been different and the subject matters wide, but I have loved it.

So I want to officially announce that I am available through The Marin Foundation to speak. If you would like to have me come and share or you know of a group and would like to suggest for me to share I would be delighted. Please check out my brief bio under the staff page and also check out my speakers bio under the resources tab. You can inquire about having me speak at your event by emailing speaking@themarinfoundation.org.

My journey in this life is far from finished, but I want to give voice to those areas which I have been emotionally and physically wrestling through. I don't have all the answers, but I do have a very compassionate heart which has had to go through some bumps and bruises. Being stripped from all identity and finding my solace in the Lord is humbling and empowering.

My professional, educational, and personal experiences make for some interesting conversations and talks. I hope you would agree!!!

I look forward to being at one of your events!

A perfectly tarnished child of God

Was my identity really in Christ...we are looking to adopt...

2011-03-21T13:44:00.002-05:00

This may be one of the most difficult posts I will write. I have not shared in a while where Andrew and I are at in the journey of our infertility. Maybe its because so many things have changed in my life that set me into a bit of a tail spin. Being laid off, trying to figure out my next steps, discovering who I am as a professional, and as a woman. I have been learning that although I state that my identity has been in Christ the reality is that my identity really was wrapped up in so many other areas. Now that so much of my identity has been stripped away I know my security was in the things which defined who I was; my career, my family, my ability to have a baby, my education, and my dreams/aspirations.

It is so easy to state that your trust and identity is fully in Christ when everything seems to line up perfectly within the expectations of your cultural norms. In my case that means having a great education, being on the fast track for my career, and of course one day being the super mommy which produces the perfect 2.1 kids (is that the statistic for the States?...still not sure about the .1%). I so arrogantly stated that of course I trust in God and his call on my life. Of course I listen to the Voice of God and the calling placed upon me. How proud I was when I spoke into others lives about challenging them to have the same faith which I possessed. The same "God connection" which I had.

I am sorry...Not only for being so arrogant in my faith and declaration of having a Christ centered life, but that it took being so stripped from everything which I felt was my security in defining who I was and my success as a person (which was quite far from a Christ-centered measurement). It is a humbling place to have to look in the mirror and realize that you no longer are the person you thought you were or were going to be. That you no longer have all of the accolades which gave you a buffer from the realities of this world. People ask me all the time, what do you do, how many children do you have, when are you going to have children? I used to have very confident "Christ-woman-centered-perfect" answers for these questions. Now I stumble and struggle to give an answer to any of the above questions...

But, thankfully we serve a God who allows us to learn in all circumstances. Whose Grace is greater then anything which I gave to myself and in many cases those around me. I am a work in progress. I am learning to be a Christ centered person...I am trying.

I have no answers other then that I am a broken woman, a perfect and tarnished child of God. I can't have children (at least not right now-I do believe in a God of great miracles too). We are considering adopting. I will write more about our process to adoption in posts to come...

I will end with this quickly... We are looking to adopt. This has been a long road and a very painful process. I had to become fully whole again as a person and especially as a woman before I could come to a place where adoption was a wonderful and natural choice for me to make. Andrew was already and always on board, but I was not. My heart is full, not healed, but full and whole. We can't wait to love a child and become the most awesome parents.

I want to encourage young women who find themselves in a situation where keeping their baby may not be the best option, I say this with the deepest and most compassionate heart, please consider adoption. There are many people in this world like Andrew and I who would love to adopt a baby. Who will care for your child as if it was their own. Who have come a long way to understand the gift a baby is and the miracle for which that baby comes. Most importantly we understand the sacrifice and the many paths this life journey takes each of us.

A recovering broken soul :)

Is it possible that we also can be our own enemies (at least not our worst)

2011-03-14T11:50:00.000-05:00

I came across this article in the NY Times. It was located within the opinion section of the paper and it was written in response to International Women's Day. The question from the article and within the title is "Do Women Leaders Matter?" You can read the article here.

A quick synopsis of the article is simply that in some countries, which are more or less male dominated by nature, who have female leaders even at the top most level, the women seem to do less for other females within their respective countries. However, the article does highlight that when women are among the general leadership constructs of the country and/or organization that women seem to assist other women in moving female concepts forward.

The article intrigued me because I personally have found myself at the hands of a very unwilling female executive who in her struggle to maintain her position within our very male dominated company refused to assist other females in moving forward or up the "corporate ladder." She would pour her knowledge and expertise into male subordinates and neglect the female ones. She shared with me once her journey and how hard it was to get to her position and she was doing everything in her power to stay there as it was her fight and life's goal to be a VP. I asked if she felt as a female if she should be in her position and her answered surprised me. (Lesson learned don't ask a question you already think you know the answer to... it may surprise you and knock you off your game for a bit). She said no. She did not believe a female should necessary be at her level, but that she was special and had given up so much, studied that much harder, received much more accreditations, certifications, etc. The female VP told me that she needed to protect her spot and would not let just anyone come up the executive ladder especially other women. Her thought was simply that if there were other women then maybe she would loose the control/power/specialness over her position.

I also wondered if she felt that other women were not working as hard or giving up as much as she did and therefore they did not deserve to be at the level she had made it to. She did tell me that she was not a pioneer and did not pave any way for others to follow. Yet, she continued to mentor male employees.

I no longer work for that company, but I will tell you that her attitude toward women leadership caused a great deal of hardship in trying to convince the executive levels of the talents which I as a female brought to the table and could contribute to this organization. The female executive had such a hold on the other executives and had created this impossible expectation for other female employees. She, the female VP had more degrees, accreditations, certifications, and recognitions then any of the other executives combined and yet she would not relinquish her hold on being the one and only female executive...

So I ask can we as women hurt each other, do we hurt each other...

This new trend of "mean girls" in school... what does that represent...

Are there so few positions at the top for women that when one makes it she holds on to it so tightly to not let anyone else in. Especially other women which may take away from the accomplishment....

Thoughts

Finally, Happy Feminist Coming Out Day...

2011-03-08T15:50:00.000-06:00

Please check out this article if you would like to discover more about Feminist Coming Out Day and what Feminist and Feminism looks like, linked here.

Another Article in honor of the 100th Anniversary of International Women's Day

2011-03-08T15:35:00.000-06:00

Please check out some of the statistics highlighted in the below article, linked here. Please note the below article references some photographs. As I didn't know how to transfer them over please click on the link to see them.

Tabby Biddle.Writer/Reporter dedicated to the empowerment of women

Posted: March 8, 2011 03:32 PM BIO Become a Fan Get Email Alerts Bloggers' Index .International Women's Day: Celebrating Women Who Forge Democracy In Liberia

Read More: International Women's Day , Liberia , Michelle Bachelet , President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf. Hillary Clinton , Un Women , United Nations , Women Leaders , Women's Empowerment , Women's Rights , Impact News

There are 192 countries that are recognized members of the United Nations. Women have the right to vote in only 67 of them. That means in 65 percent of the world's nations, women's voices are silenced in the creation of the laws and policies that govern them (and their children). Most of us know that women make up more than half of the world's population. So does something feel off balance to you?

Today is the 100th anniversary of International Women's Day. One hundred years ago, women could vote in only two countries (Australia and New Zealand). So we could say we've come a long way in 100 years -- and we have -- but we all must must recognize that we've got a ways to go.

To mark this 100th anniversary of International Women's Day, Michelle Bachelet, former President of Chile and current Executive Director of UN Women, joined Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf - the first democratically elected woman President in Africa -- in Liberia to highlight the importance of women's leadership in forging strong democracies, economies and re-building societies after conflict.

"I am very pleased to celebrate this milestone in Liberia, a country where women's influence in forging peace and recovery offers lessons for all countries committed to advancing gender equality and women's human rights," said Ms. Bachelet in a press briefing.

Female United Nations peacekeepers yesterday with Kathy Calvin, CEO U.N. Foundation, left, and Executive Director of U.N. Women and former President of Chile, Michelle Bachelet after visiting a Peace Hut, a forum for community justice, in rural Liberia. Photo credit: Stuart Ramson/Insider Images for the United Nations Foundation.

Liberia is not only the first country in Africa to democratically elect a woman as president, but the home to one of the first female peacekeeping units. "This is a country that has stood up and has been able to build a stable democracy for five years after more than 10 years of conflict," said Ms. Bachelet. "I believe women are essential agents of peace. They are always trying to find the consensus."

It turns out that today women make up less than 8 percent of peace teams around the world, and of those eight percent, no women are at the head.

If we look at heads of state, the disparity is similar. Out of 192 countries around the world, only 19 women are heads of state. Remember, we are more than 50 percent of the population.

Teen girls meet with the United Nations Foundation's Girl Up Campaign over the weekend to talk about the challenges women face in post-conflict Liberia. The girls are part of a special program at the THINK empowerment center in Liberia's capital Monrovia. Photo credit: Stuart Ramson/Insider Images for the United Nations Foundation

It can seem like we have come so far in 100 years, and we have. But it's also obvious that there is so much more work to do.

Today let's celebrate being women and give thanks to the courageous women before us who have spoken out for women's rights and risked their lives for the sake of all women. Let's honor the women in Liberia who have been confronted with devastating violence and are re-building their country and boldly setting an example of what is possible with women as agents of peace.

Let's continue to celebrate how far we've come, and with this, deepen our commitment to speaking up for ourselves and for the rights and respect of all women and girls around the world. I am convinced this will be a win-win for everyone.

In honor of the 100th Anniversary of International Women's Day

2011-03-08T15:20:00.000-06:00

Below is an article which was tweeted by Emerging Mummy. I love the article so much that I wanted to post for others to read. Here is the link.

Let us be Women who Love

ShareEditor’s note: Today is the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day. We LOVE this day, to celebrate the journey of womanhood, to look at what still needs to be done on earth and to gather our hearts together and walk together for freedom and equality. Please join us in this journey that requires great Love.

Let us be women who LOVE

Let us be women who Love.

Let us be women willing to lay down our sword words, our sharp looks, our ignorant silence and towering stance and fill the earth now with extravagant Love.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us be women who make room.

Let us be women who open our arms and invite others into an honest, spacious, glorious embrace.

Let us be women who carry each other.

Let us be women who give from what we have.

Let us be women who leap to do the difficult things, the unexpected things and the necessary things.

Let us be women who live for Peace.

Let us be women who breathe Hope.

Let us be women who create beauty.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us be a sanctuary where God may dwell.

Let us be a garden for tender souls.

Let us be a table where others may feast on the goodness of God.

Let us be a womb for Life to grow.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us RISE to the questions of our time.

Let us SPEAK to the injustices in our world.

Let us MOVE the mountains of fear and intimidation.

Let us SHOUT down the walls that separate and divide.

Let us FILL the earth with the fragrance of Love.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us LISTEN for those who have been silenced.

Let us HONOR those who have been devalued.

Let us SAY ENOUGH with abuse, abandonment, diminishing and hiding.

Let us not rest until every person is FREE and EQUAL.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us be women who are savvy, smart and wise.

Let us be women who shine with the light of God in us.

Let us be women who take courage and sing the song in our hearts.

Let us be women who say YES to the beautiful, unique purpose seeded in our souls.

Let us be women who call out the song in another’s heart.

Let us be women who teach our children to do the same.

Let us be women who Love.

Let us be women who Love, in spite of fear.

Let us be women who Love, in spite of our stories.

Let us be women who Love loudly, beautifully, Divinely.

Let us be women who Love.

A slight departure... Cupcakes

2011-03-07T15:39:00.000-06:00

Today I went to Whole Foods in Lincoln Park, which is huge and rumor has it that its one of the largest if not the largest Whole Foods in the country. Lets just say you would need a few days to navigate through the entire grocery store to make sure you have viewed and examined all of the possibilities.

Anyway I chose to have lunch at this Whole Foods as I was out and about running some errands. In attempt to be healthier because I was inspired being at the Whole Foods I chose a combination of veggies and toppings from the salad bar. I then got a small cup of soup. Yummy...

Toward the back of the store above where all of the ready to eat food options is a small eating and gathering place. It has tables which seat from 2 to 6 people through out the space. After paying for my healthy lunch I walked up the stairs and began to eat. Now I have to tell you this location is a people watchers dream because you can see almost everyone sifting through all of the grocery goodness which Whole Foods offers... Its a mixture of people today. Young and old, male and female, some with children and of course some without. I spent much of my time gazing at the people go about their day purchasing whatever they needed and I am sure purchasing plenty of things they didn't need.

I began to think after looking at this vast store with all of its food and from what we have bought into a healthier version on food. Wow we are blessed in this country. I don't even know how to grow anything. I wouldn't know where to begin what it meant to plant or cultivate anything. I would be terrified to butcher any animal for meat and if I even worked up some guts (no pun intended) to do it. I wouldn't even have a clue to begin to know where to start.

Perhaps we have forgotten what it means to build things, grow things, and consume things in a proper way. We have so much and feel we deserve more. We believe we should be entitled to certain things as if they are rights and not privileges. Now don't get me wrong we should all have access to food, shelter, clothing, and love... but beyond that... is it a right or a privilege. When do you stop working for something and begin to think you deserve it... Watching these people in Whole Foods I wondered do they believe they deserve this grocery store with all of its organic healthy options or do they recognize how lucky we are to have this privilege...

All that to say I must admit I am guilty of buying more then I needed and indulging in all things convenient... I am lucky I guess to have the privilege to enjoy my cupcake...

Article from yahoo.com highlighting an Awesome New Book - Women of course are better :)

2011-03-04T10:39:00.000-06:00

Why women really are better at almost everything: Q&A with author Dan Abrams editor

by Piper Weiss, Shine Staff, on Tue Mar 1, 2011 8:41am PST 1088 Comments Post a Comment Read More from This Author » Report Abuse ShareretweetEmailPrint Contrary to jokes and one-liners, women are better drivers than men. They’re also better at getting the joke. And better with hammers. And video games. And social networking. And did we mention, they get dressed faster than guys? This isn’t opinion, it’s fact, and Dan Abrams can prove it.

In his new book, Man Down: Proof Beyond a Reasonable Doubt That Women Are Better Cops, Drivers, Gamblers, Spies, World Leaders, Beer Tasters, Hedge Fund Managers, and Just About Everything Else, Abrams collects research from leading studies over the past few years to make the case for the ‘fairer’ sex. A legal analyst for ABC News and former lawyer, he approached the topic as a defense attorney, using evidence that already exists to debunk popular myths about women.

“In nearly every field, statistics and studies show that women are better collaborators, are more cautious and more adept at navigating treacherous terrain,” writes Abrams in his book’s opening statement. “I am not convinced that women as a group play basketball or read maps better than men. The evidence here will show, however, that women are living longer and evolving better than men.” It takes a lot for a man to admit his own weaknesses (there’s a chapter on how women tolerate pain better), so we wondered why Abrams would make the case for women. Turns out, it’s a man’s job.

Shine: How did you decide to do this book?

Dan Abrams: I was hired to write a light article for a magazine about certain areas that women are better in than men. Some of the evidence surprised me, so I went and looked into the underlying research. Most of it was true, some was exaggerated, some anecdotal. But I kept finding more and more real studies and the evidence is compelling when you look at it all together. I couldn’t believe there’s been no major book about it.

Shine: Why now?

D.A.: There’s a lot more evidence now. A lot of the studies from the book are from the last three years. It’s only been in the last twenty or so years, that women have been on a relatively even playing field in terms of work to do many of these studies. We weren’t able to make fair comparisons before, because women were a fraction of the working world. Now we’re see women taking over the majority in many professions. But only recently has there been enough time to look back to compare men versus women and only recently has there been real interest.

Shine: Which gender is leading these studies?

D.A.: Of the studies I looked at, a vast majority of lead researchers are men, but the broad trend trackers are women.

Shine: What finding surprised you the most?

D.A.: I was most surprised at how conclusive the evidence was for the fact that women tolerate pain better. They endure more pain throughout their lives, in more bodily areas and with greater frequency, according to researchers at the University of Bath. According to the medical journal Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, women have an average of 34 more nerve fibers per square centimeter of facial skin, while men have an average of 17. New research is suggesting the fact that women tend to endure pain more makes them more immune to it. It’s the old aphorism, “That which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.”

Shine: Are women really better at tasting beer?

D.A.: The evidence is clear that women have a better sense of smell. In one study, researchers questioned whether men or women be better able to smell sweat behind fragrances, and women were fooled far less. But also they have a better sense of taste, and can apply it to just about anything. Taste is based on smell, as well as the number of taste buds a person has, and women are more likely to have a greater number of more-sensitive taste buds. And it’s not just beer that they’re better at tasting, but wine as well.

Shine: What about sports—men are better at sports, right?

D.A.: There’s no question that men have larger muscles, so they tend to be better at most sports. But there are certain areas—particularly endurance sports—where women are better. Studies show that estrogen is a disadvantage for muscle development but an advantage when it comes to endurance. Another advantage for women is that their bodies more efficiently process oxygen. When it comes to ultra-marathons—say, a 135 mile race without sleep—women can beat men. It’s reflective of something we see throughout the book— when it comes to race of life, women won’t sprint but they'll run longer. In baseball terms, men may hit the home run but women hit the singles and doubles more often and end up with a better average. This is true in financial fields as well: women are better long-term investors.

Shine: It makes sense that women are hard-wired for endurance, considering another chapter in the book entitled, “Women Live Longer.”

D.A.: Women live an average of five years longer than men. The reasons for this are both genetic and behavior-based. First of all, women have stronger immune systems, again due to estrogen which aids the fight against disease-inducing enzymes. But women are also less likely to engage in risky behavior. For example, I found that women are hit by lightning less often than men. That’s because the guy may not get off the roof when there’s a thunderstorm coming.

Shine: Does the same theory apply to women being safer drivers?

D.A.: Men are more likely to engage in reckless behavior, like driving drunk. One study found male drivers have 77 percent higher risk of dying in a car accident than women. It’s translated to insurance rates, women have 7 percent lower rates on the whole because they’re less careless drivers. In Australia, they actually petitioned to have more women bus drivers, because they found they’re more likely to treat buses better and have fewer accidents.

Shine: Bus drivers aren’t the only jobs women excel at, according to your research. What other jobs are women better at than men?

D.A.: Women were found to be less corruptible as cops. In both Lima, Peru and Volgograd, Russia where police corruption was a major issue, the governments campaigned to hire more women cops. There’s another study that women are more effective as political leaders than men. It suggests, we’d be a better country if there were more women in the highest echelons of politics.

Shine: In the field of medicine, the findings are also in favor of women.

D.A.: One of the most definitive studies in the book was done in 2009 by the British government. They collected a database of information on all the investigations of medical misconduct or incompetence over a period of eight years. It was the largest study of medical performance ever. They found that while forty percent of doctors were women, 80 percent of those under investigation were men. In the U.S., there were similar findings. Male physicians were twice as likely to be sued as women.

Shine: With all this counter-evidence, why are women still subjected to the same old stereotypes?

D.A.: Women weren’t allowed to vote in this country 100 years ago. We’re still in the period of catch up. We still haven’t had a female president, or that many women running Fortune 500 companies. When we get to point of seeing just as many women in the top levels of every profession, that's when we'll see a sea change at lower levels.

Shine: How is the internet giving women more of an advantage?

D.A.: One of the clichés about women is that they’re more communicative—those who want to demean women say they like to gossip more. That’s a pejorative way of commenting on the fact that women are more involved in social media. A 2010 study found women were six percent more exposed to social networking sites and spent more time on them. Other research found women were less likely to be victims of internet fraud.

Shine: Are you worried about backlash from men?

D.A.: I already had one men’s rights group send a petition to get me fired from my job. They wrote, “Dan Abrams is penning a sexist book claiming male inferiority.” But this book is not about my musings or opinions. This is me approaching the topic like a lawyer. Is there some hyperbole in the headline? Sure, but the reality is the trends here are significant and important. The goal of this book is not be viewed as a feminist book but an objective book. Someone with no bias is examining the evidence and coming forth to say it’s compelling. I’ll get mocked by many men, but a woman who made the same findings would be discounted for writing this book because of her bias.

Shine: You've provided a lot of evidence that women are better at some of life's most important tasks. What are men better at?

D.A.: Men are better at parking, they’re better dieters, they have better distance vision, they read maps better. One study suggests they even treat their friends better. But my next book won’t be about making the case for men. Overall I found that men’s biggest problem is that they’re too confident and women’s biggest problem is that they’re not confident enough. Truth is, I think the evidence is overwhelming in favor of women.

Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still

2011-02-17T16:47:00.000-06:00

It has been awhile since I have made any contributions to my blog. I am still in a place of healing and discovery so I have felt very little in the form of sharing or writing. However, during this time I have really relied on the above verse. This is where I am at currently. I am trying to learn to be still in my spirit. The calm my busy body personality and really reflect on what the Lord has for me in this next chapter of my life.

Awhile back I was asked for a list of books that I am going through. This is my list. I have read some of these, I am working through others, and still others are on my bedside table waiting for me to get to them. These books are listed in no particular order, but these are the books I am getting through during this time. I have a few more and will update the list later:

1. "Taking Back God: American Woman Rising up for Religious Equality" by Leora Tanenbaum
2. "If You have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You" by Kelly Cutrone
3. "The Feminine Mystique" Betty Friedan
4. "The Well of Loneliness: A 1920s Classic of Lesbian Fiction" by Radclyffe Hall
5. "Slaves, Women & Homosexuals" by William J. Webb
6. "More Than Serving Tea" by Claire S. Chow
7. "Men and Women in the Church" by Sarah Sumner
8. "Discovering Biblical Eqaulity" by Ronald W. Pierce and Rebecca Merrill Groothuis
9. "All the Women of the Bible" by M.L. del Mastro
10. "All the Men of the Bible & All the Women of the Bible" by Herbert Lockyer
11. "Narrative of Sojourner Truth" Introduction and Notes by Imani Perry
12. "Living on the Boundaries" by Nicola Hoggard Creegan and Christine D. Pohl
13. "The Sexual Paradox: Men, Women and the Real Gender Gap" by Susan Pinker
14. "Shepherding Women in Pain" by Bev Hislop
15. "Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women: by Susan Faludi
16. "Shortchanged: Why Women have Less Wealth and What Can be Done About It" by Mariko Lin Chang
17. "Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Creat Difference" by Cordelia Fine

I have a few more books which I have left in my car. Once I have those I will add them to the list. I hope some of the books are helpful and help each of you discover what it means to be a child of God a Women of God.

My Resume... Anybody... Thoughts... Not sure I want a corporate job anymore...

2011-01-27T14:24:00.001-06:00

Below is a snap shot of my professional life. I guess it kind of defines who I am and what I can do... but on this journey of really figuring out what the Lord has in store for me I am trying to figure out what all of the experiences of my past mean to my future. I don't believe I want another corporate job. I enjoy teaching, training, problem solving, consulting, and strategy. I view the world holistically and approach it in a linear fashion. Who am I... where am I going... I do know that what I want to do eventually will have a bigger goal and purpose then simply making money...

OBJECTIVE:

To continue a career directed toward constant growth with a focus on organizational evolution with a direct correlation to the organization’s strategic initiatives.

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

Covenant Services Worldwide January 2006 – December 2010
Bolingbrook, IL
Manager of Business Operations (March 2008 – Present)
Promoted within the organization: Managed all aspects of the Special Projects, Training and International Divisions. Assisted in the strategic development of business opportunities, managed continuous communication and relationship enhancement, guided process flow of business leads, contractual requirements, and follow through. Served as the liaison to the centralized support staff and provided compliance control with existing contracts as the centralized support for multiple decentralized operations.

• Increased revenue by 41.51% from 2008 to 2009 by establishing and managing a streamlined process flow

of documentation from the business lead to the finished project creating a more effective and efficient

method in utilizing the centralized office support and reducing significant waste in personnel time for both domestic and international initiatives.

• Improved turnaround time and project efficiency by 150% by developing precise domestic and global

market focused contractual documents which streamlined the communications with the customer and effectively provided constant information and direction to the back office centralized support throughout the entire process by the elimination of process excess.

• Analyzed and provided calculated recommendations of contractual agreements with over $400,000 in domestic contracts and $2,000,000 in international contract revenue between new customers, teaming agreements, and consultants.

• Continuously communicated with department leads to conceptualize organizational goals, leads,

business development, budgets, and short and long term initiatives.

• Lead the Special Projects, Training, and International divisions in development, procurement, costing, and

writing of proposal documents. Coordinated the expertise and knowledge base of the centralized office

and combined the efforts into a concise document.

• Aided in the strategic development of a comprehensive transition team during the acquisition of new

contracts encouraging the open communication, development, and engagement of the newly acquired employees utilizing a variety of organizational development theories.

• Worked closely with strategic planning teams to create smooth transition and flow into a global market –

both organizationally and competitively.

• Provided internal and external marketing support dealing primarily with press releases, tradeshows, quarterly news letters, and internal communications.

Manager of Employee Relations & Training (January 2006 – March 2008)
Managed and partnered with four divisions of an affiliate of companies on a variety of different projects and programs including company wide organizational development, employee relations, training and development, industry trends, communications, and employee enhancement with a direct relation to the overall strategy.

• Established and wrote an Organizational Development and Effectiveness Department for Covenant Services Worldwide and the four affiliate companies.

• Developed and designed a program for employees, managers, and leadership centered on learning and training entitled “Covenant University” – fulfilling a company goal of creating knowledgeable and trained leaders throughout the company and its affiliates.

• Directed training and coaching initiatives as established by the needs of Covenant and its family of affiliates concentrating on an environment of continual sustainable learning.

• Led the employee relations initiatives which focused on learning, investigations, employee involvement, culture understanding, organizational growth, and legal responses gauging our progress through surveys, focus groups, and interviews.

• Managed organization wide EEOC investigations and charges, labor relation responses, and union grievances.

• Supported the Human Resources efforts with recruitment and turnaround strategies when new contracts were awarded.

THE CITY OF NAPERVILLE September 2005 – January 2006
Naperville, IL
Temporary Contract – HR/ORE
Supported the daily activities performed by the HR professional team to the director of HR/ORE. Aided in all projects, events, research, and analysis of ongoing and special assignments.

CALVARY CHURCH NAPERVILLE January 2005 – September 2005
Naperville, IL
Project Development Assistant
Created smooth transition from one occurrence to the next, understanding the before, during and after of each project, presentation, meeting and event allowing for positive and productive outcomes.

PARKER TRANSNATIONAL INDUSTRIES, LLC (PTI) July 2003 – January 2005
Niger, Africa & Chicago, IL
Managing Director of Non-Profit Initiatives – Africa
Direct liaison to the Niger Governmental Heads of State implementing private and governmental contracts to develop non-profit projects for the creation of economic growth in Niger and the Northwest Region of Africa.

• Directed an international team on a $3 mil. contract for start-up of Job and Cultural Awareness programs.

• Managed the implementation team of a $5 mil. contract for the acquisition of a sewing factory compound.

• Participated in ongoing negotiations for Niger Dam Projects and Auto Plant Project for the purpose of building an educational system and relocation of 20,000 people.

• Sold investors on the Non-Profit Initiative Programs through planning and organizing fund raising events.

• Managed the implementation and development of the Niger development Trust, LLC (NDT), the Non-Profit subsidiary of PTI.

• Managed and directed target marketing and culture research regarding the impact of Parker Transnational Industries and Niger Development Trust on the country of Niger.

EDUCATION

Benedictine University Lisle, IL June 2005 – June 2007
Dual Graduate Program
MBA: Masters in Business Administration
Concentration: International Business
MS MOB: Master of Science in Management and Organizational Behavior
Concentration: Organizational Development
Graduate Certificate: Training and Development
Graduate Certificate: Business Administration

Drake University Des Moines, IA August 1998 – December 2002
BSBA
Dual Majors: International Business and Marketing
Drake University Academic and Achievement Scholarship for four consecutive years

University of Stellenbosch Stellenbosch, South Africa January 2001 – July 2001
Concentration: Sub-Saharan Region of Africa

COMPUTER SKILLS

Proficient with Microsoft Word, Office, Excel, Power Point, Microsoft Windows, Publisher and the Internet

LANGUAGES

English (primary), German (basic conversational/written skills), Afrikaans (basic conversational)

Food for Thought

2011-01-22T08:45:00.001-06:00

I am currently trying to get through a few books during my soul searching time. One of those books is called "Living on the Boundaries, Evangelical Women, Feminism, and The Theological Academy," by Nicola Hoggard Creegan and Christine D. Pohl.

A quote in the book has had me thinking and I am wondering what your thoughts are as well...

"Mainstream evangelicalism is at odds with - and is often hostile to - the fullest emotional, spiritual, and psychological development of gifted women. It is, in essence, a dysfunctional world which scapegoats intellectual women as "the other." Women who stay "inside" wind up making tremendous compromises in each of those areas often to the detriment to their own health and life satisfaction." pg. 32

I will be back

2011-01-17T16:49:00.000-06:00

Hi all. I hope everyone enjoyed their holidays and that this new year is going well. I am in a time of major transition. I was laid off from my position right before Christmas. I have been taking some time off to figure out who I am and especially what God wants for my life. Additionally, I have been traveling and spending time with Andrew.

I promise I will start to write again after I have taken some time to really listen to God and my soul. I would however, love to hear what each of you are hoping for in 2011!!!

Couple of Updates

2010-12-08T15:56:00.000-06:00

Update 1: Email notification

Okay I am still having difficulty getting the email notification on the blog. Does anyone know how you do it? Andrew thought he knew but he doesn't?

Update 2: Andrew and I have been on some amazing travels

Andrew and I just recently returned from an amazing trip. We visited with friends in Geneva, Switzerland and Cessy, France. We also took a mini get away to this amazing little village called Annecy, France. The purpose of the trip was to continue the dialogue and conversation to living a more authentic Christ centered life, what that looks like, how we do it, how do we begin to change the perception of the conservative faith, and how do we bridge the gaps between organizations and the church. The conversations were amazing and there were times I had to ask Andrew to pinch me because there was no reason why we should even have the opportunity to speak with all of the people we had conversations. I know I am being a bit vague but for privacy purposes and upon request from those we met with I am only going to speak in general terms.

However...

I was challenged from a much broader and global perspective while Andrew and I were in Geneva and France. There is such a desire and longing to be authentic and to see examples of people living truly authentic Christ centered lives. There was so much distrust and anger with regards to the institutionalized church with in many of the circles we spoke with. To give an example we spoke with aid groups, NGOs, health groups, and global church groups. Each of them explained how the institutionalized church had come in with good intentions but left a very negative legacy. Many of the conversations with Andrew and I were about trying to find the bridge between the broader conservative world and the world which feels betrayed and let down by their promises of greatness. A world that does not trust the "god" presented by these institutions or the people who represent these institutions.

By the end of many of our conversations I left feeling empty because I don't know if Andrew or I were able to leave a different and lasting impression. I am hoping they could see within our lives the desire to live a life that is different, a life that is centered on the teachings of Jesus, and is about love and transformation.

I am challenged everyday by people's stories desiring to know that God hears them, desiring to know that they too could possibly be a part of the Kingdom. Why with so many churches and denominations do people feel so left out and out of place? Why do so many people in the global world feel so betrayed and angered by the broader church?

We in the United States have an amazing legacy of being a nation which still (maybe loosely) holds onto a very belief/faith centered existence. We as a majority have been raised in a faith setting. Yes, there are many of us who have been hurt desperately by that faith up bringing, but we have an understanding of a Heavenly Father and we must bound together to show a different way. But what if we were raised in a place were faith and belief were so taboo and not a part of your life and discovery... Many we spoke with are searching and we need to provide them with a better example...

How do we be, as Andrew says, the lightning rod for difference, amongst what people believe Christians/ Evangelical Christians are supposed to be like. I don't know if Andrew and I changed any view points, but I hope we did...

Interesting Video from Newlife Blog

2010-11-23T12:45:00.000-06:00

As I was reading some of the blogs attached to my own blog I came across this very interesting video with Newlife (here). If you have a moment please listen to the linked video and the interviewed professor. As someone who is new and breaking away from the oppressive baggage I have carried with my institutionalized church setting, I really appreciate the information being presented.

Information from the Newlife blog:

"Ben Witherington III, Professor of Biblical Interpretation at Asbury Theological Seminary, Kentucky, talks to Simon Smart from the Centre for Public Christianity about the revolutionary nature of Jesus’ treatment of women."

8 min. video: http://vimeo.com/14172103

Please let me know what your thoughts are?

Quote - Information - Thoughts - Help me figure out what to do...

2010-11-15T09:40:00.004-06:00

Interesting Quote:

Adolphe Monod (1802-1856) "The greatest influence on earth whether for good or for evil, is possessed by woman. Lets us study the history of by-gone ages, the state of barbarism and civilizations; of the east and the west; of Paganism and Christianity; of antiquity and the middle ages; of the medieval and modern times; and we shall find that there is nothing which more decidedly separates them than the condition of woman..."

Information:

Also quite a few months ago I was asked about putting an email alert on the blog. I have asked Andrew and he will be home long enough this time to show me how to do that. So hopefully, we will in the near future have this feature attached to the blog and comments so you can get updates.

Additionally, I know I owe a list of books which I am currently going through that is helping me learn about the modern women's movement, women and church, and women of the bible in general. I have picked up quite a few books and will try and compile a list for all.

Finally, this last year and a half has been very difficult for me personally. I am self diagnosing myself as depressed (thanks webmd). Although, I think admittance is probably the first step and hopefully means I am on my way to recovery. I also think if you can still laugh about the situation that is also a good sign. Okay I am hoping and my fingers are crossed. I will share where I think I am at in the next blog post or so. I want to apologize that the information I was hoping to learn and soak up seems to be coming much slower then it did in the beginning. I am working hard to learn what I don't know as it seems my knowledge base is quite shallow.

Thoughts:

At this point in time I want to let the world know that I am trying. I see too many inequalities and too many young girls going down the same expected path. I see young men get caught in between what the church says and what the world says. I see that both women and men are struggling to find meaning, purpose, understanding, and acceptance.

I will not apologize that I am first and foremost a child of God and my Christianity defines who I am, which means that dealing with women in the Christian church is a priority and something I can not remove myself. I do believe this world needs to encourage all people to find ways to live with mutual respect. Highlighting the amazing talents, gifts, world views, perspectives, expectations, and challenges we all bring to the table. I want the history of what is a legacy to young women to change, but never at the cost of others.

Let me know what you would like to read on this blog. I will try and do my best. Let me know what I can do to get serious about this passion that is swelling up inside of me. I don't know what to do... I am at a loss... and I don't want to quit as so many have done before as I have done before...

Help me figure this thing out...

Chicago Tribune Article - Ladies we can't continue to ignore what young women are being taught or believe - When will this stop?

2010-11-12T09:03:00.001-06:00

Today I read the following article in the Chicago Tribune you can follow the link here to read the story on the tribune website. Below I have posted the article in its entirety.

Later, in this week I was reading a post by Scot McKnight (here) on women in leadership within the broader evangelical church settings. The statistics were promising stating that many felt that women should be leaders, but the statistics and the reality don't match up. Then a commentator asked a question (that I am paraphrasing) which I thought summed up the reality, he/she said: The real question is not whether people believe women should be leaders, but whether they would actually be lead by a women... Interesting twist...

Anyway, I am angry upset, and feel totally helpless in what we need to do to stop this never ending cycle. Please help me, tell me what you think I can do, what you think I should do...

Here is the article:

Survey: Teen girls call themselves 'fun' online

Dawn Turner Trice

November 12, 2010

Ashley Gonzalez, 16, won't reveal her politics or social values on her Facebook page. She doesn't want to be judged by "friends" who don't know her very well. But she said she would never downplay her intellect, kindness or efforts to be a positive influence.

And she's troubled that a new national survey by the Girl Scouts Research Institute found that girls 14 to 17 years old often portray themselves in social media as "fun," "funny" or "social," rather than smart and ambitious.

"I understand they do it because they'd rather be popular and cool," said Gonzalez, a Chicago resident and longtime Girl Scout. "But it's the opposite of everything I believe in, and it breaks my heart to know a girl feels she needs to do that."

That some girls dumb themselves down in social settings, particularly those where they believe it's necessary to impress guys or fit into a clique, is nothing new. But what's different is that almost everything — think: bullying — re-created in the online social-networking world seems to be so amplified.

What's also different, researchers say, is that teens tend to view their social-media profile as a brand they're creating out of this amalgam of photos and posts. That online persona becomes part of their identity and, for better or for worse, could have an impact on how they see themselves in real life, experts say.

Maria Wynne, CEO of the Girl Scouts of Greater Chicago and Northwest Indiana, said her organization saw this firsthand over the summer while conducting focus groups separate from the institute's poll. She said they learned that although girls felt proud about building character and confidence in real life, they were shying away from such attributes in online social networking because they didn't seem cool.

In September, the organization launched the Web site "The World's Strongest Girl," worldsstrongestgirl.org, so that girls 5 to 17 could share stories, real or imagined, about acts of courage and how they overcame obstacles.

"We thought that girls needed a safe gathering place online to learn about themselves and each other in an environment that was largely anonymous," said Wynne. "Girls don't have a lot of platforms where they can envision who they might become."

Peggy Orenstein, the author of " Cinderella Ate My Daughter," due out in late January, said young people long have felt they were performing for an invisible audience, and now with social networking they really are.

"Kids get to craft their image or identity based on responding to people they don't even know, and the quickest way for a girl to get feedback is for her to be sexy, but not necessarily slutty," said Orenstein. "On one hand, girls have made such huge and obvious and wonderful strides, and yet the pressure hasn't abated to define themselves by their looks and sexiness."

The institute's poll examined 1,000 girls from around the country, many of whom were not Girl Scouts. The poll found that 41 percent of them admit that they try to make themselves appear cooler online.

Girls with low self-esteem were more likely than girls who were more self-assured to admit their online image didn't jibe with who they were in real life. Those low-self-esteem girls also more often portrayed themselves online as "sexy" or "crazy," meaning fun-loving.

According to the institute's research, 91 percent of the girls polled use Facebook regularly and 28 percent use Myspace regularly. Kimberlee Salmond, senior researcher at the institute, said the girls boast an average of 351 Facebook friends and said they make about six comments daily and post more than two personal status updates.

And while 85 percent of the girls said they have talked to their parents about safe social-networking behavior, 50 percent admit they're not as careful as they should be, putting themselves at risk.

But the poll did offer some good news: Even though girls spend a lot of time in the social-networking world, they prefer face-to-face communications.

"Ninety-two percent of girls would give up all social-networking friends to keep one best friend in real life," said Salmond. "Eighty-two percent of girls would rather go a full week without logging on to a social network than go a full week without seeing their friends in person."

When the institute mentions those stats, adults tend to breathe a sigh of relief, she said.

Gonzalez said it's important to note that online social networking isn't all bad. She said she's used it to get involved in causes important to her.

"Once you get beyond the scrutiny that's there, the fact that you're constantly being judged, you can use it for good," she said. "I try to be as honest as possible about myself at all times."

dtrice@tribune.com

Needed Words Today

2010-11-09T13:44:00.000-06:00

I heard this song on the radio by Natalie Grant, "Held." Below are the lyrics...

Two months too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

Chorus
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was, when everything fell we'd be held.
This is what it means to be held.

"Stories are Gifts - Share" Starbucks new slogan

2010-11-08T11:27:00.000-06:00

Okay so I know that my addiction to Starbucks is only feeding into the "man," but I can't help myself. I love their bitter burnt tasting coffee and its now become a comfort to me in the mornings. Starbucks really does make my time going into work much better... Although, when Andrew and I were talking about my addiction we were commenting that in the beginning Starbucks was attempting to be the anti-man. Interesting how things change... :)

Anyway totally off point as to what I wanted to post about, the new slogan, "Stories are Gifts - Share." As women most of us have a gift of talking and sharing, but possibly not on subjects which push us further in our understanding of women, spirituality, leadership, growth, balance, and understanding. My best friend and I sat down over dinner a week or so ago and we just enjoyed each others company. We shared a lot of laughs and light hearted stories, but we also shared many deep and emotional struggles. She asked some questions of what I was working on and some of the subjects I have posted on this blog. Although, we don't always agree we have a mutual respect for the life each other leads. We have found balance in sharing stories, gifts on life, with each other. I may never fully understand what it means to walk in her shoes and visa verse but the insight we can speak into one another's life is priceless. The Gifts we can give to one another through our experiences are both comforting and challenging.

As women we understand the deepness of a shared story and truly embrace the gift it can be within our own lives. So then I wonder, why are we not sharing these gifts of knowledge to the next generation about the strength in being women? Why have the sexist and gender biases been allowed to continue from one generation to the next? Why as a young women in 2010 almost 2011 do I still find shame in being ambitious, outspoken, and dare I say a feminist? Why has the gift which was passed to me through cultural norms, Church expectations, and Christian leadership still focused on my "second" class citizenship through the church.

Beyond the church, why is the gift which has been passed to me from females within professional circles still about understanding your place and assisting the male ego? Why is the gift about defending my "bitchiness" as it pertains to assertiveness?

Women, we share so much with one another that challenge who we are, but why are we allowing other gifts to filter through into the psyche of the following generations? I want the "daughters" of this generation and the next to be able to look in the mirror and know they were chosen and created equal and perfect. To embrace that being different does not equate to less, but to celebrated uniqueness in the qualities and characteristics we as women present.

Women it is almost 2011 and I don't want to be ashamed anymore of being female. I don't want the underlying belief systems of the church that I love to whisper about "traditional" expectations of women. If we look through history we will find that "traditional" women as we have come to understand it is really a developed cultural phenomenon which is rooted in the late 1940s, 50s, and 60s. We are plagued by this unreal expectation of what it means to be good Christian women that is not biblically rooted but rather culturally rooted. Created to attempt to heal the ego of men returning home from WWII. The suburb, the white picket fence, marriage as a savior and identity, where overtly created by marketing ploys, and male dominated industries.

It is almost 2011 and I am trying to figure out what is my responsibility to be and do something different. To have candid conversations with the women around me about who we are and what our Lord has called us to be. To know we are more then housewives, mothers, career women, we don't have to find our identity in tradition or progressiveness, but a full identity in our Lord which says we are chosen for His great purpose!

What will be our story our gift to share to this next generation for this next New Year?

Sorry I have to do it and I am proud of it!!!

2010-11-03T13:20:00.001-05:00

Today is my and Andrew's third year wedding anniversary. We were married on November 3, 2007 at 2pm in Naperville, Illinois at the chapel where we both grew up attending church, Calvary Church Naperville. Our reception was held at the Naperville Hilton.

Our story isn't anything special we did however not meet until we were 25 even though we grew up in the same adjacent towns and attended the same church. However, that being said the adjacent towns we grew up in have combined over 300,000 people and now five very large high schools. We did not attend the same high school. The church we grew up in (and forgive me I know the baggage I carry) is what would be described as a small mega church with about 5,000 people in attendance. Our paths didn't cross when we were younger, but they crossed at a perfect time.

I do believe there is perfect timing in everything you see Andrew was the Homecoming King, Mr. Waubonsie(sp), an all star baseball player, and I guess in simplest terms the popular guy. Which makes me want to puke :). I on the other hand was more of an antagonist. I purposely wanted to go in the opposite direction. I was an athlete and played high school soccer and I did have a lot of friends, but I never wanted to be a part of the "in crowd" and was always oddly put off by their conformity to one another (I know go figure). So had we met in high school I can confidently say it would not have been a match made in Heavenly bliss!

Timing no matter good or bad is perfect and there are no mistakes in God's plan even when we are in the midst of great valleys.

These three years have pushed Andrew and I to learn what it means to ultimately decide to share this life journey with someone else. To consistently think about another person and how your actions and/or decisions will affect them. To find ways to encourage each others differences and love to do things together. We have had some major highs and some incredible lows. We are still learning how to work through this thing we call life, but I am happy that WE are working through it together.

I am proud to be married to my husband because we are partners in this life. We have a mutual respect for each other and want to continue to encourage each other to grow within the talents our Lord has blessed us with individually.

He is my lover, my friend, and my partner in life. I love him very much!

"Patty-fied" from BRAVO's Millionaire Matchmaker

2010-10-27T09:40:00.001-05:00

Confession I was watching BRAVO's Millionaire Matchmaker (link) last night after Glee was over, which for the record I was really excited about Glee's Rocky Horror Picture Show episode and I was disappointed...Okay anyway there wasn't anything else on and I was in the middle of a ton of laundry loads so I put on the Millionaire Matchmaker. I was looking for something that didn't require much thought or for me to have to pay attention since I was going back and forth to the laundry room.

As I was folding my towels Patty (the actual matchmaker) came on to discuss the difference between L.A. women and New York women. Quick background Patty and her team originally were in L.A., but have since moved their efforts to New York for this new season to help the millionaires of the NYC. The comparison came down to looks and brains. According to Patty the positives for the New York women were that they all had four year degrees and careers unlike the women of L.A. whose positives were their total commitment to their looks via plastic surgery, nail appointments, waxing, working out, and fashion. Although, Patty felt it was a really good attribute for these women in the NYC to have goals and accomplishments she was really disappointed in them and in so many words felt that the women of L.A. who were focused on outward appearances were better and more feminine women. Both Patty and her colleague were disgusted by the lack of hair dye, manicured nails, and fashion that these women of the NYC were bringing to her millionaires dating club. Even though they agreed they liked the change from all fake boobs, plastic bodies, plumped up lips, and beach blond hair they were missing the fashion, skinny bodies, manicured nails, died hair, waxed bodies, and a good set of boobs. So from that I pretty much decided that they really didn't like plumped lips or pulled faces... Most of the women highlighted on the show were very attractive, but they did not look like fake barbie dolls.

At the end of her comparison she said she needed to "Patty-fy" these women of the NYC and bring back the feminine.

*If they put up the full episode I will come back and link it to this post, otherwise I have placed a link to the BRAVO web page for the show above*

Since we have discussed a bit about what is feminine I am wondering what you thought about this discussion. We had previously discussed that femininity was based on perceptions and societal norms and expectations if that is true is Patty correct with regards to what women should be today do we all need a bit of "Patty-fying" or has she confused feminine again with an over sexualized society expecting women to be sexual not feminine.

Your thoughts?

Interesting Observation/Revelation...

2010-10-18T09:21:00.000-05:00

This weekend I attended an alumni event for the university I completed my under graduate studies. The event was specifically for women of the university. It was the first women's event organized by this university and it was taking place in Chicago. I thought "what the heck" I haven't attended any alumni events for my under graduate school so maybe this could be a start.

First I need to say these are right now only thoughts and observations. I haven't had much time to really put everything I observed into a concise reflection, but maybe this post will evolve into it as I share what I experienced.

The event had about 200 women in attendance and took place at a very swanky club in Chicago. The energy in the room was high, but for me it was a nervous energy. I had not connected with anyone from school in a really long time. Well that's not true a few of my closest and dearest friends are from my under graduate years and I still stay very close to them, but they do not reside in Chicago so I guess I could say that outside of those few people I haven't done anything in reconnecting. Plus I am terrible at walking into a room where I don't know people. My husband is the best at "working a room." He just has a knack for it, but I am not that way at all. In fact, I love to meet new people, but I look to do it in a more controlled atmosphere like sitting down and really talking. Maybe its that I am really bad at small talk and love to really engage for a much longer period of time. Plus I am really an introvert and don't feel comfortable stepping in and simply introducing myself and trying to come up with something clever to say. I do however, really enjoy leading events and speaking in front of groups...odd I know...okay I have digressed :)

Finally, after the meet and greet time, we all sat at our assigned tables. My table consisted of a wide range of women from those in their early 70s all the way down to recent grads at 22 years of age and everyone in between. It really was an incredible mix of women who all graduated from the same university. It was amazing to me as each woman began to share her story that they seemed to all relate to the same identity, obstacles, questions, and concerns for careers, graduate school, family life balance, and personal reflections. I don't know what background in religion each of these women came from so when they began to share on a more "main stream" view point that many of the "traditional" aspects which have held women back in the past still seem to be very real and present in today's young female professional I was shocked.

Although, I knew the glass ceiling and now what I have coined as the glass box existed I was shocked to find that these women were feeling the internal pull of not fully understanding what it meant to be female and the ability to find success in a society that is so male dominated. It broke my heart to hear one young graduate share that she knows she is being treated differently because she is female and that she is now looking for a new position. She shared how she has felt humiliated, hurt, and marginalized. She shared that she didn't want to do anything for fear of retaliation and she said she wanted to prove that she could handle it. We all at the table said that she needs to speak to her HR department because what is happening within her department is wrong and illegal. But as I sat and reflected I understood what she was saying. We as women sometimes take the "crap" because we think we have to prove something or show ourselves worthy or strong enough to take the insults. I understood her confusion in wanting so bad to fit into her male dominated office and to show her self worthy for the position and responsibility.

Why do we continue to try and mold ourselves to fit into a position? Maybe this is our generational women's movement fight to stop trying to blend and make ourselves fit into male management, but to create and establish female management styles...

I thought it was Evangelical Christian women who truly missed the modern day women's movement, but maybe this next generation as Turtle Woman has pointed out have missed the struggle and don't know the history behind everything that has occurred for women. Perhaps for all the victories, we as women lost the ability to encourage and pass along the desire to continue to fight for equality to my generation and the next generations to come.

I sat in a room filled with successful highly educated women from all different backgrounds and they still shared stories of not knowing who they were outside of the societal labels and expectations for "traditional" women. Maybe its time to work on women from a more personal aspect as the fight for legal rights on a broader sense have been accomplished.

I probably need to reflect some more on my observations and conversations...

Important Article - What do you think?

2010-10-14T13:12:00.000-05:00

I found the below article as I was reading the on-line version of the Chicago Tribune today, Thursday, October 14, 2010. You can view the link (here)

www.chicagotribune.com/health/sns-ap-eu-med-education-child-deaths,0,6632252.story

chicagotribune.com

Study: Educating women may have saved the lives of more than 4 million kids in 2009 alone

Maria Cheng

AP Medical Writer

6:01 PM CDT, September 16, 2010

LONDON (AP) — Giving young women an education resulted in saving the lives of more than 4 million children worldwide in 2009, a new study says.

American researchers analyzed 915 censuses and surveys from 175 countries tracking education, economic growth, HIV rates and child deaths from 1970 to 2009.

By using statistical models, the researchers found that for every extra year of education women had, the death rate for children under five dropped by almost 10 percent. In 2009, they estimated that 4.2 million fewer children died because women of childbearing age in developing countries were more educated.

In 1970, women aged 18 to 44 in developing countries went to school for about two years. That rose to about seven years in 2009.

The study was paid for by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and was published Friday in the British medical journal Lancet.

"Investments in education pay off (by providing) better health in the future," said Emmanuela Gakidou, an associate professor at the Institute of Health Metrics and Evaluation at the University of Washington and the study's lead author.

Educated women tend to use health services more and often make better choices on hygiene, nutrition and parenting.

"This reminds us that in addition to having crucial interventions like immunization, we need to invest more into education," said Dr. Mickey Chopra, the health chief at UNICEF, who was not involved in the research. Chopra said more money should be invested in education but not at the expense of health programs.

Gakidou said considerable progress was made in Asia and Latin America, where women in some countries are more educated than men. But she noted a dismal situation in six countries where women typically go to school for less than a year: Afghanistan, Burkina Faso, Chad, Mali, Niger and Yemen.

Still, not everyone was convinced that the study's conclusions were right.

"It sounds plausible that education is related to child mortality, but finding a correlation does not prove causation," said William Easterly, a professor of economics at New York University who specializes in foreign aid.

He questioned the statistical methods used in the paper and said the authors had not adequately considered other factors that might have been responsible for the fall in child deaths.

Others said the focus should be on economic development rather than on specific health or education initiatives.

"Education is not much good if the health facilities and infrastructure don't exist," said Philip Stevens, a senior fellow at International Policy Network, a London-based think tank. "If a country is massively misgoverned, like Sierra Leone, no amount of education is going to put bread on the table for children."
____

Online:

www.lancet.com

Copyright 2010 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

A Loss for Words or Maybe Too Many Words

2010-10-08T08:26:00.000-05:00

I have been in a place of confusion lately which has clouded my ability to formulate any thoughts or conceive a full post. So today I will just simply accept that my heart is empty, but full. That I am in the midst of transformation and I do not know where that transformation will end. To be quite honest I don't even know where it really began. Looking back I can pin point some major events which have from my internal perspective began to shape the woman I am transforming into. It would be easy to say that my journey of infertility has been a big piece and possibly the beginning, but I have reflected on even earlier events which I now know were times which started me on this new path of transformation. But yes in many ways infertility has forced me to do some very deep reflections.

In this time of reflection I have had to ask myself what life is about with regards to success and failures? How do I measure my worth? How do I measure my accomplishments? Who am I? Where do I go from here? What does it mean to be female? What was God's purpose for females?

The beauty and extreme frustration about each of these reflections is that each question each layer offers up more questions and more discoveries. I am working on the day were I can look in the mirror and confidently say that I do not have all the answers, I am enjoying the discovery process, I hope to always enjoy learning more deeply about who I am and what God wants for me, and to love being female...

What are the issues which face females today, here are a few off the top of my confused and clouded head? (no particular order)

1. Body image
2. Sexuality
3. Marriage
4. Expectations
5. Culture norms
6. Religious norms
7. Ambition
8. Shame
9. Power Struggles
10. Leadership
11. Servant hood
12. Motherhood
13. Success
14. Failure
15. People pleaser
16. Partner

I could really keep writing more words, but I am curious what do you think we as women are facing and what do the words that I listed mean to you?

One of those days...

2010-09-17T12:52:00.001-05:00

Do you ever have one of those days when you feel as if everything around you is crumbling and tumbling down? You feel like you can't even get up anymore because all of the debris of life is laying on top of you.

Today I have felt as if the weight of the world decided to crash right on top of me. I feel like I am in a deep dark hole and with everything so out of balance and chaotic I don't even know where to begin. I am in a hopeless period I think I am at the place where just trying to start hurts because it only leads to opening up more wounds that I have to face with all the broken pieces.

Some wonderful things have happened to a few people in my life and although I am genuinely happy for both of them there are things happening in my and Andrew's life right now that are just weighing very heavy on my soul. Please pray for the following as I can not carry these alone:

1. Infertility - It hurts more then I can even explain
2. My job - I don't know what the next steps are and I am terrified
3. Andrew - He has been under some major attacks lately and they are incredibly wearing emotionally and spiritually
4. My focus - I can't for the life of me figure out who I am and what I should be doing
5. Direction - Kind of goes with focus, but for strength to follow the path which God is calling me
6. An ability to listen - I need to hear and be patient in the spirit
7. Wise counsel - I need some people women and men who can truly speak into my life and into the situations which both Andrew and I are going through

Thank you in advance...

Where is the line drawn between Provocative and Attractive attire?

2010-09-15T12:30:00.001-05:00

I was reading today about the Ines Sainz sexual harassment investigation into how the Jets, an NFL football team, treated her at one of their practices and within their team locker room. You can read and see the Today Show interview here. As I read the story I initially felt here we go again. Lets blame the victim for being a woman in a man's role and point a finger of responsibility at her because of what she was wearing and how she carried herself during the sporting events which she covers.

Before I go any further I want to plainly and clearly state that I do not believe that a women's dress, attitude, and/or appearance gives any person the right to sexually harass or that the above gives the harasser an excuse to why they felt the need/right to sexually harass someone.

That being said within the interview on the Today Show, Ms. Sainz discussed the line between provocative and attractive attire. I understood her point that she is a beautiful woman and wants to feel beautiful maybe even sexy. Additionally, her culture celebrates and romanticise sensuality, which is why I understand that her dress is a bit more sexy then the average female sports reporter and on her TV stations website which you can browse here show her as a very sexy and beautiful reporter for their station.

Lets be honest sex sells and I don't doubt that her "sex appeal" is one of the reasons she is able to report on the many male sports and be granted exclusive interviews with male athletes...

But as she was continuing with the interview, which she is very well spoken and poised that I have no doubts of her talent, she was describing herself as wanting to simply be attractive and that her dress did not and should not be considered provocative. Again, I am not pointing the finger at the victim no one I mean no one deserves to be harassed for who they are, there appearance, clothing style etc...

But I am wondering as women where do we draw the line and say you have taken your "attractiveness" too far and now you have moved into the realm of using your sex appeal as provocative and a tool to get a head. The lines are now blurred, when is flirty okay and when does it cross the line? Trust me I understand that harassment is mainly in the eye of the beholder but if the signals being sent out are all over the place how are we supposed to define where the line is and if we have crossed it. If we as women say that it is okay for us to be provocative and sexy to get a head, but then say don't define us by that same tool are we not confusing the lines as well? Its like think of me as sexy so I can sell my brand, but don't really think about it...

As women I want to know that I can be anything that a man can be, but what if along the way we sell ourselves out as a gimmick?!?

What is provocative and what is attractive? Do we as women have a responsibility to define and distinguish? Are we being used as gimmicks in male dominated industries?

Here are two pictures from Ines' TV station website (link) which she says is simply being "attractive":

I chose this photo because it was least sexy (by my interpretation) of the photos presented of her on her TV stations website.

I chose this photo because it represented the most sexy (by my interpretation) of the photos presented of her on her TV stations website.

Ines Sainz is beautiful (and of course I myself would love to have a body like hers) but has she become a stereotype, a gimmick, has her desire to be sexy/attractive and sexualized by her station and the media hurt all the young females who desire to also become sports reporters? What do you think? How do we protect what is beautiful and sexy about being a woman without playing into the visual media world we live in? Do we as women have a responsibility? Does Ines have a responsibility?

Why do we have to grow up and away from the Magic of Disney?

2010-09-14T12:15:00.000-05:00

On Sunday, September 12, 2010, a few of my family members went to see Disney On Ice, Princess Classics. The main reason we went was for my grandma who has always loved the classic Disney Princess movies. However, sorry to call out one of my sisters, but I think we also went for her as she was enjoying every sparkly moment!

Anyway I want to say that I am glad I went because I know my mother, grandmother, and especially sister really enjoyed every thing about the presentation and simply being together as women. But as I was watching the show, which first let me say was beautiful and filled with all the theatrical pieces a Disney show would produce, I began to think and analyze what was being presented to all of the little girls in the audience with their Disney Princess costumes.

I am sad to say that as a woman some of the Magic of Disney was lost for a bit because I couldn't get past how most of the main characters, the Princesses, needed a man, or prince charming, to rescue them from their unfortunate event and after being rescued they were able to find life's greatest fulfillment, a lifetime of magical love with their prince charming. Even the Disney character Mulan, which if you know her story she was actually a strong female character who went to war in place of her father, and eventually saves the entire kingdom which was against the rules of the land for a woman. Anyway Mulan is one of my favorite Disney female characters, but in this Disney Ice show the Mulan character had the shortest scenes and within the Mulan scenes it was portrayed as if she needed the main male role in order to get through her life.

This is where I became sad...The initial sadness was well probably more anger and disgust that these characters were celebrated for their weakness, beauty, and ability to get themselves in situations which required a man to save the day, normally true loves kiss :) I thought about all the discussions which were going to take place in the many mini vans heading home with all the little girls in the back seats dressed up in their princess costumes. What would the fathers, mothers, grandmothers say to these little girls about being a strong independent woman who could have ambitions and goals? How do they talk about fairy tales in relationship to real life? How do you explain to your sons that being a "knight in shinning armor" doesn't mean that you fix everything and save the day, but really means you are to be a partner and provide security and relationship?

I don't have children so I am not sure how you approach these very real and continuous stereotypes in children's stories.

But I must admit my second bit of sadness was personal, feeling that I have lost a bit of the Magic that is Disney.

Maybe you don't have to have these conversation with your daughters and sons at the age in which these children were attending the show. Maybe you talk about the glitter, the costumes, the pretty dresses, the talented skaters, and of course Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Maybe there is nothing wrong with believing in happy endings, true loves kiss, and being saved by a handsome prince.

I love a lot of things about Disney because it represents a childhood that I adored and everything I think is good about being a child. The make believe, the imaginary worlds, the magic...

It breaks my heart to know that children grow up so much faster and learn the hard way that life is not about fairy tales... Maybe we should preserve for as long as we can the little girl in the princess dress...because she will know all too soon the inequalities of this world...

How dare you radio personality Mark Elfstrand of Moody Radio on "The Morning Ride" program

2010-09-07T12:05:00.006-05:00

Today, Tuesday, September 7, 2010, I was driving my Aunt's van because she so kindly let my husband and I borrow it to transport some dinning room chairs. Anyway her car's radio station was tuned into Moody Radio. I didn't want to mess up her station and I knew I would forget Moody's station number so I thought I would just listen to "The Morning Ride" program with Mark Elfstrand. (side note, Mark has had Andrew on his program before and well lets just say Mark does not agree with Andrew on just about every aspect of what he does)...

Anyway I was intrigued because this morning Mark was going to be interviewing a Moody Bible Institute Professor of Theology named, Dr. Bryan Litfin, (you can read the snippet of his show today here) on the passage in Genesis which speaks about "Be fruitful and multiply." Of course with my struggle with infertility I was curious what these two men were going to speak about with regards to this verse. They began their discussion talking about how many children one should have, birth control, choosing not to have children etc. All in all the Moody Professor, Dr. Litfin, interpreted the scripture within historical and biblical context stating that not only did this verse represent having children and populating the earth, but also our responsibility to everything within the earth and helping all creatures, plant life, etc. be fruitful and multiply. Additionally, the professor from Moody Bible Institute spoke about the historical context of needing to populate the earth at that present time with the corresponding passage where God directed Moses to do the same after the great flood. The Professor went on to speak about today's context as there is no real need to populate the world, but a need to be good stewards of this planet as well. This was the argument the professor and the host, Mark, were having with regards to people choosing not to have children. Whether or not Mark was truly implying the tone indicated that he (Mark) felt that those who chose not to have children may be going against God's commandment, the professor of course was quick to indicate that if the couple had felt in their hearts with God's guidance that children are not meant for them and are finding a different way to help this world be fruitful and multiply then they are more then likely in God's presence as well.

Okay all of that background to say that Mark Elfstrand made a comment, which I want to give respect that maybe he did not mean for it to be so calloused and cold, hurtful, distasteful and with out knowledge of the struggle. In one swooping comment, that neither man decided to really discuss except for one quick and awkward response from the professor, he brought up that scripture indicates being barren is an embarrassment to that woman who can't have children. Then there was a slight pause the Moody professor said well yes in that time period and then nothing...

I will admit that I may be over sensitive, but I thought here we go again. Moody radio by its reputation is quite conservative and Mark's reputation sits directly in line with the stereotypes of this radio. He may be a very pleasant man outside of his radio show and have a bit more tact in relating to very sensitive issues, but this is why I feel Christians have such a hard time discussing this issue which makes us uncomfortable because we allow people to make blanket statements. This issue of infertility which as we all know has come much further in medical advancements understand that an ability to have a child or not have a child is complex, painful, lonely, and nothing to do with an embarrassment of not being "woman" enough.

I guess my challenge is if you are going to say something about infertility which is affecting so many women in this world (both Christian and non-Christian) then you better have a better follow up discussion rather then saying well you know the old testament called it an embarrassment...how dare you Mark Elfstrand be so careless in the statement...

Did the Evangelical Christian Woman miss the Great Awakening? (generally speaking)

2010-09-03T16:35:00.002-05:00

So I have a theory, and well it comes from revisiting the book, "Feminine Mystique" by Betty Friedan. I will admit that I have been quite lite on any of my women's history and/or gender theory knowledge so I thought it would be beneficial and important that I re-read, re-discover, and read for the first time many of the books both Christian and non-Christian on the subject.

That is what has lead me to re-discover the "Feminine Mystique." (side bar I am only a few chapters in). As I was going through the chapters and making sure that I looked at it from the perspective of today's society and understood the historical concepts of when and why it was originally written. It hit me that I felt I was some how caught in the stories and related as if they were happening in real time, but why I wondered? Why are some of these stories, the expectations, confusions, emptiness, anger, and questions ringing true to me within my own mind and within my own circle of experience? How could I be relating at least on some level to these women? Wasn't this book written almost 40 years ago and published over 30 years ago or so? Hasn't society and the women's movement come so much further, that as a young woman in 2010 I should be reviewing these stories simply as historical context determining where we have come from to give me a base of understanding? How am I deeply connecting with the roles and expectations placed on women with regards to getting married and having children. To look upon being a wife and mother as the utmost and most euphoric experience I could desire as a good Christian Godly Woman.

That's it...Is it possible that Evangelical Christian Women never went through the great Awakening in discovering how much more their value as a woman really is outside of the titles of just wife and mother?

Sure we say that we encourage young woman to go forth and be who and what they want to be, but truly the under tones the belief system when you get beyond the ones on the surface tell a much different story. One of which I as a woman in order to be a good Christian Woman must fight the desires of the world and understand the true tradition as to what I was created for and that was to be a wife and mother. Being too strong meant that I was fighting against what I was called to be and that I was embracing too much of what those worldly women wanted for me to be.

Is it possible that the reason I for one don't totally understand everything that has occurred with regards to the women's movement is because the under tones and belief systems of what I was raised within have yet to fully embrace the essence of being fully female created in God's image as well to accomplish anything and everything that our Lord and Savior has asked of her (me) no matter what that role may be?

Could this be why so many young Christian women including myself have had to fight with feeling guilty about our talents, dreams, accomplishments, and ambitions. Feeling ashamed of our bodies and our sexuality because as women we are supposed to hold our selves pure and be stronger for men to not tempt them with impurity. But after getting married as a wife we are supposed to understand how to fully please our partners?!? Why did so many question my desire to attend the university I attended and study in the area I chose...too many whispers were about how my area of study would not be complimentary to my "someday" husband and that too much ambition makes her proud and of course we all know how pride is such a shameful characteristic, but why were my ambitions considered prideful... They were goals and desires I had set for myself and felt utilized the talents the Lord has blessed me with...but I did still feel guilty after hearing so many other men and women tell me that I was not fulfilling the appropriate role as a Christian woman...

What are your thoughts? Do you agree or disagree with me? Have any of your experienced something like this? Did we as Christian Woman miss the movement? Do we need an awakening of our own and a movement too?

So many of the great movers and shakers of the women's movement were strong Christian women... How then did we in this present time get stuck still in the 50s and 60s?

One theory I have and I alluded to it above is that I believe when the second and third wave occurred of the women's movement Christian women were being told don't go that way or down that path, don't follow those feminist they are worldly we (Christians) must stand separate, hold onto your traditional values... but were they really traditional or something created in the 50s and made to be traditional...

Another Interesting Post on Scott McKnights Page

2010-08-30T10:32:00.005-05:00

Elders: For Men Only? (you can read the Scott post here)
August 23, 2010

From CBEs wonderful Arise newsletter...Do you hear the arguement that only males can be elders? Where does the bible say an elder must be a male? Margaret Mowczko sketches a response to these questions

Margaret Mowczko, a singer-song writer, for many years, lives in Austrailia. She writes about biblical eqaulity in marriage and in ministry for her website, Newlife

Some people think that the moral qualifications for church leaders recorded in 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9 were written only about men and apply only to men. They believe that the implication in these passages is that only men can be church leaders. Yet in the better, older Greek manuscripts, these passages are completely free from masculine pronouns; and in all Greek manuscripts there is no use of the word "man" or "men" whatsoever.

All of the qualifications listed in 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9 can be readily applied to both men and women equally. The one seeming exception is where it says that a church leader should be, literally, a one woman man. This is usually translated into English as "the husband of one wife."

The phrase, a one woman man, is however an idiom, and there are dangers in applying it too literally. Because it is an idiomatic expression, many people have had difficulty explaining and applying its meaning in the context of contemporary Western church culture; a culture that is vastly different from first century church culture.

If taken literally, the one woman man requirement would rule out unmarried, widowed and divorced men and women from being church leaders; yet Paul says that being single and celibate enables people to serve God better (1 Cor. 7:32-35). The real intent of this expression is marital faithfulness in the church leader who is already married.

All of the qualities listed in 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9, including the ability to lead one's household, are in fact equally applicable to both genders. According to Paul, it is not only men who can lead their households. Paul advised the younger widows in the Ephesian church to remarry, have children and "keep house" (1 Tim. 5:14). Interestingly, the word Paul uses for "keeping house" here is oikodespotein, which literally means "to be the master of a household." The King James accurately translates 1 Timothy 5:14 as: "I [Paul] desire therefore that the younger widows marry, bear children, rule the household, and give no occasion to the adversary for insulting."

Undoubtedly most church leaders in early church times were male, and yet it is never stated in the New Testament that a church leader must be a man. The New Living Translation (NLT), (which gives the impression of being gender inclusive because it frequently translates adelphoi into "brothers and sisters") has taken the bold step of inserting the statement, "so an elder must be a man" into 1 Timothy 3:2. This statement simply does not appear anywhere in any Greek manuscript of the New Testament. The translators of the NLT have inserted this statement to put across their biased opinion that a church leader must be a man. They have tried to pass off their opinion as being "the Word of God." Had Paul wanted to say "an elder must be a man" he would have done so.

The opening sentence of 1 Timothy chapter 3 literally says, "If someone aspires to overseeship, he/she desires a noble task." There is absolutely no gender preference suggested here whatsoever.

What are your thoughts?

Interesting Scott McKnight Posting (links are within the post below)

2010-08-30T10:15:00.003-05:00

Women Preachers a Story often Neglected (Scott McKnight post here)

Monday August 30, 2010

Categories: Women and Ministry

Telling the truth of the Church's Story means telling the whole story. In the Church's Story are the stories of women who did mighty things. But these stories are not being told. What can we do to include these stories in our church's story?

The following is from Arise and is written by Priscilla Pope-Levison...

From Arise, the weekly e-newsletter from Christians for Biblical Equality.

Priscilla Pope-Levison is Professor of Theology and Assistant Director of Women's Studies, Seattle Pacific University, affiliate faculty in Women Studies, University of Washington, and a United Methodist clergywoman.

* * * * *
The momentous contribution of women evangelists to American life, past and present, is only now emerging from dusty archives shelves, where their sermons, diaries, papers, and autobiographies were boxed away. These women have been notably absent from the history of American evangelism, which conventionally moves in a single-gender trajectory: Jonathan Edwards--Charles Finney--Dwight Moody--Billy Sunday--Billy Graham. A decade ago, when preparing for an introductory lecture on American evangelism, I was inundated by resources on these men. With my simple question--were there any women?--the first stirrings toward a nearly forgotten history began to transpire. To summarize briefly the enormous impact of women evangelists, we will consider four arenas: institutions, social outreach, political impact, and audience numbers.

Institutions: they provided for the education and nurture of converts as well as future generations by founding denominations, educational institutions from grade school to university, and a host of churches from New York to California.

Social outreach: they often incorporated humanitarianism along with evangelism. Sojourner Truth solicited aid for freed slaves living in squalid camps in the nation's capital city. Phoebe Palmer began Five Points Mission, one of America's first urban mission centers, in a New York City slum. Within two months after Aimee Semple McPherson's Angelus Temple Free Dining Hall opened in 1931, its workers had already fed more than 80,000 hungry people, and the Angelus Temple Commissary, opened in 1927, was crucial to the survival of many in Los Angeles during the Depression. In terms of race relations, women evangelists wielded influence by holding integrated meetings, like Jarena Lee, whose audiences in the 1820's included "white and colored," "slaves and the holders," and "Indians." This practice continued into the twentieth century with Aimee Semple McPherson's and Kathryn Kuhlman's integrated services.

Political impact: they influenced the nation's leaders as well as the populace. Harriet Livermore preached in Congress several times between 1827 and 1843 about the predicament of Native Americans. Sojourner Truth generated a petition and presented it to President Ulysses S. Grant requesting that a colony for freed slaves be established in the western United States. Jennie Fowler Willing's speech on women and temperance in 1874 prompted many who heard it to consider forming a national temperance organization. Through her periodical, Woman's Chains, Alma White supported the platform of the National Woman's Party, including the Equal Rights Amendment.

Audience numbers: They preached to audiences often numbering in the thousands. During her 1889 Oakland revival, Maria Woodworth-Etter repeatedly packed to capacity her 8000-seat tent. Aimee Semple McPherson's church in Los Angeles had a 5300-seat auditorium, which filled up three times for Sunday services. Uldine Utley preached in Madison Square Garden to a crowd of 14,000. Numbers are impossible to gauge for Kathryn Kuhlman's radio program, "Heart-to-Heart," which was regularly broadcast for over 40 years, or her long-running CBS television program.

Turn the pulpit loose: Two centuries of American Woman Evangelists, by Priscilla Pope-Levison, uncovers this nearly forgotten history, as does this website

Who are some of the other women we should know about within history and today?

In Honor of Women's Eqaulity Day - August 26th

2010-08-26T16:35:00.002-05:00

I am not sure exactly what words to use or reflections to speak on. I must admit that when I began writing my feelings and thoughts about women it was really a challenge from another woman to explain my thoughts (thank you Rachel). However, as a young woman trying to find a voice and discovery fully who her identity is in Christ and in this world I am humbled by those women that came before me.

So today I say thank you. If the voices of women in the past did not rise up and their fight for equality did not take place I would not have been able to play sports in school, attend what ever university I wanted, vote, make decisions over my marriage, my body, my health, have a career, be promoted, climb the corporate ladder, get a masters degree, dream about being anything, own property...own my life and my liberty to pursue happiness...

Thank you

Personal reflection and topic switch...My heart still aches

2010-08-23T16:33:00.001-05:00

So I haven't shared in a while about my infertility journey. Since the last failed attempt which depleted all of our insurance money we have done nothing in regards to medical treatments. I should have gone in to get some more medication because I again did not get my period naturally because of the PCOS, but have chosen to wait it out a bit longer to see if eventually my body will kick itself back into normal flow (pun intended)

So yesterday I went to purchase a baby gift for a friend who just had a baby. I had one moment way back when I first began infertility treatments where I did seriously want to punch every pregnant woman in the face, but since that time I have put my emotions in check and do not see red when a pregnant woman walks by. Although, on a side note does it seem like when you are hurting about something or wanting something you see it everywhere. Andrew and I went to the movie the other weekend and I think literally not exaggerating I counted 15 pregnant women. They were probably all going to see the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" but still... can a lady grieve with out seeing what she can't have come on...

Anyway back to my story...I was over joyed for my friend because she too struggled with infertility and IVF was successful for her. Her pregnancy was really difficult (later I found out the delivery was difficult too). Nothing about having babies is easy and it truly is a wonderful miracle. So I purchased the gift a little outfit, blanket, and stuffed toy. Looked around at all the other cute, practical, and ridiculous things I could purchase. I paid for the items and as I left this overwhelming feeling of loss, defeat, and emptiness came billowing over me. I got to my car and had to just sit there and allow myself to sob and feel every bit of this very painful and emotional moment.

I have been trying to stay away from the "why" questions with God and have been trying to ask the hows, whats, whens, and even whos...but in this moment of total brokenness I began to ask the whys again and then added some will I evers too.

After the really good cry and some heated discussions with God I wiped my tears took a very deep breath and put together the gift for my friend in the really cute coordinating bag I had purchased to place all the little baby items in.

Infertility truly is a very difficult journey. I think I went into the entire process with very high expectations maybe a bit unrealistic, but I thought I was justified in what I had hoped and thought. Every person I personally knew had been successful in their infertility treatments whether that was IUI or IVF or any other combination of a lot of things. I don't think I even really thought that it wouldn't work. Its been a very tough road receiving call after call telling me sorry you did not get the results we were hoping for. Having the doctor call me countless times to tell me we don't have any real explanation for you as to why this is not working.

I wake up each day and each day is different. Does having children or not having children define a person? What if you want them and you can't how do you explain that to not so nice (even if well intentioned) people? Why is it every time I see someone I haven't seen in a while their first question is always do you have any children and when I say no there is this disappointment on their faces? They don't know my story or what I have been through, and even in the same breath what if I didn't want to have children and this was the choice that my partner and I have made. Am I really less with out children? No women we are not less, I may feel empty and hurt because I do want children, but I am not less...

A Shout Out to My Hubby

2010-08-20T10:17:00.000-05:00

All sorry I have to take a moment to do a shout out to my hubby, Andrew. He was recently interviewed for a segment on CBN. I know I know we were nervous too, but as we talked we discussed that this is what bridge building is all about building from both sides a piece at a time. Anyway there were in Chicago a few weeks back and taped for about 3 and half hours for the 5 minute clip (okay a little over 5 minutes).

You can see the clip here on the CBN website and read the commentary as well.

Happy Friday!

Am I confused what do I mean when I say Christian and Feminist? (perhaps unconventional at both)

2010-08-16T17:32:00.001-05:00

Initially this blog was to be a personal diary for a woman (myself) to journey about the struggles of infertility, life, marriage, work, and ministry. On a personal note I never kept journals and was looking for a way to express myself. I have always struggled with the patriarchal world of the faith I was raised in and never understood the reasoning behind women not being pastors or leaders in the church (on the record I still don't know why this exists). I was asked to attend and speak at a women's conference where I was initially asked to share on marriage and ministry, but that topic did not fit who I was or what I felt God had challenged me to speak and share about at this conference with the other women. I looked deep inside at my past and listened to those around me and felt (as I have shared in previous posts) God say look at this next generation of young women what is your legacy to them? What are you leaving behind for them to use and make better? What is the next chapter for women, especially in the broader Christian world?

So I began to write about my thoughts, feelings, and theories on being a Christian Feminist. Before I go on let me make it very clear neither of these words are bad and we all have to be okay with that :) I realized though I never established who I was when referring to myself as a Christian Feminist. The differing opinions shared on this blog have really challenged me to make it clear where I sit as of right now. I am open to change and open to learning and discovering new ideas. I have always tried to be a sponge soak up as much as I can and squeeze out what I don't agree with, but be willing to learn from everything that I encounter. This is not a forever statement it is just my statement for this moment at 30 years old. I am straight, white, and married, I do not have any children (yet), and desire to be a mother, I am a professional, am highly educated, and yes have benefited greatly from the women who have come before me, my social class, and the color of my skin. I love males and adore my husband, my equal and partner in life. I love the male, gay and straight men in my life. I love the women, straight and lesbian in my life. I love those who believe in my same faith and those that do not. My world is colorful and filled with many people. My Christian Feminist voice is encompassed with every person I have a relationship with today and in the future.

Christian to me is a belief system. It is my personal walk with Jesus Christ and the center of my life and who I am. I do believe the bible is the inherent word of God. I believe the Holy Spirit is with us always. I believe in the trinity God-Jesus-Holy Spirit. I believe Jesus died on the cross and rose again and that by accepting Him into my life I am a child of His. I may not fit exactly into any religion although I was raised Assembly of God and you could say I bend towards Evangelicals, but the most important aspect in my life is my relationship with my Savior, Jesus.

Feminist to me is the fight for equality with the sexes. It is the desire to move women forward to be recognized for their talents, their achievements, their leadership skills, and the choices they should have the freedom to make with regards to their given profession, love life, marriage, partnerships, etc. It is the fight to see qualified women hold positions in all aspects of industry, for profit and not-for-profit. To be leaders in church, community, organizations, government, and corporations. To lead nations, to be a part of the legal systems, to be mothers, and raise children, to actively pursue and be a part of cultural shifts. To be a voice for women in areas that do not have voices to empower women and young girls in developing nations which seek empowerment but to be respectful of culture, tradition, and sovereignty. To show that women are all unique and bring something very special to any table we find ourselves. To encourage education, success, diversity in career choices, love, and stay at home moms. To mentor other women and have women groups which meet and encourage each other. To fight the porn industry which creates such an unfair expectation on women and young girls. To fight against sexual harassment, and in appropriate male hierarchies. To find balance and equality in the work force...

Feminist to me is also understanding the delicate balance between men and women. It is understanding that not only do I have an obligation to empower, mentor, and challenge young women to dream big, fight for their equality, and know they can be who ever they want to be, but to also be a voice to young men to challenge them to do the same, but to see women as their equal. To voice an example that we each both men and women bring very unique skills to any environment that we find ourselves in. To challenge each other in this world to appreciate and accept that each of us are significant in our own rights and each of us can shift culture in moments at a time.

We are not there yet, I see it all around me the inadequacies between men and women, especially in the church, but I can not only be a voice to women when it will take changing men as well. If I have son I will want for him to grow up and be just as successful, confident, and powerful as if I had a daughter. But for young men literature, mentors, and heroes are being taken away. Look at the men these young men today are supposedly seeing as examples especially in religious sectors. We as women wonder why they are so confused when they grow up. Their mentors and leaders have not changed their views on women. We have to be equally as vocal to men as to women.

I do not live in a world where I can only surround myself with women and go only to teachings given by women. I do not want to read only literature written by women. I am an equal to men, I will fight for that to happen hopefully one day, but I will also look for balance and celebrate that God made men as well with a purpose to also be strong leaders in their own right.

So I guess I am unconventional in all aspects of being a Christian Feminist...

"Keeping Up With The Girls" A Guest Post on Chicago Tribune website

2010-08-13T07:58:00.005-05:00

The below article caught my attention. I have pasted some of the more interesting portions or the article below, but you can read the full article (here).

August 13, 2010 Chicago Tribune on-line by Meghan Daum

Are girls growing up too fast? And will the trend toward precocious sexual development be the final nail in the coffin of male domination?...

...Or so it may seem to an ordinary 8-year-old boy, who may view these girls not only in the way boys traditionally have — as bossy, slightly alien carriers of cooties — but as something even more terrifying: women. Or at least women-in-the-making.

In case you didn't know, the culture has found itself in the throes of a terrible scourge: the "masculinity crisis." Perhaps first identified a decade ago in Susan Faludi's book, "Stiffed: The Betrayal of the American Man," and since then reinforced by writers such as David Brooks and Christina Hoff Sommers (who identified a sub-scourge she calls the war on boys), this "crisis" stems largely from changes brought on by the global economy. In the post-Industrial Age, traditionally male skills like operating heavy machinery have been all but usurped by traditionally female skills like communicating; hence, more men have lost jobs in the current recession. In a recent Atlantic magazine article called "The End of Men," Hanna Rosin noted that women now earn 60 percent of all bachelor's and master's degrees. There's even evidence, Rosin wrote, that U.S. couples seeking sex selection for their children show a preference for girls.

Will that change when would-be parents realize they might be contending with an unwieldy mix of hormones before their princess has grown out of "My Little Pony"? Probably not. It's probably also a stretch to draw too close a connection between premature sexual development in girls and what some people (generally using Judd Apatow movies as Exhibit A) maintain is an epidemic of arrested development in boys and men. After all, girls have always matured faster than boys, and until very recently, males were able to catch up quite nicely.

But as we go about the essential business of dealing with this situation for girls, and how to stop it, perhaps it's worth extending some sympathy toward boys. In a world in which it's already so easy to feel diminished by the achievements of girls, this widening gulf in physical maturity just might have the effect of kicking them while they're down.
Alvy Singer would sympathize.
Los Angeles Times

Meghan Daum is an essayist and novelist in Los Angeles.

I think there a few aspects being discussed within Ms. Daum's article. I appreciate her discussion of looking at this research on the sexual and physical development of girls and not only how it may affect young girls but also their male peers. Let me first say to my Lesbian sisters this post is important to me because I do believe as woman we need to understand not only each other, and to quote Turtle Woman, the incredible sisterhood we need to continue to build, but also the way in which we teach and include our male peers.

First, the very obvious is what affect will early development have on our young girls. I told Andrew once that when/if we have children I want for them to live in their "child imaginary" worlds for as long as we can protect that time in their lives. My father didn't exactly have the most ideal childhood and because of that felt that it was vital that we (his children) were able to discover everything there was about being kids. He loved, and still does, everything Disney because with it came the magic of being children.

I feel as a society we have asked our children to grow up and be independent. To fit into adult life and take on the complexity of our grown up baggage sooner then children are ready. We have stopped encouraging what it means to be children, to dream, imagine, believe, pretend, and day dream. With all of that said if our young girls are now developing earlier and being thrust into our over sexualized world sooner then they are ready to handle with all of the confusion and maturity that must accompany sex in general, then I ask what are we to do as a society and especially as women? I do not have children and I do not know the appropriate times to have certain discussions, but what I can say from my own experiences is that we need to open the discussion but in the same place I believe as a society we also need to allow children to be children. Young girls will eventually be women sooner then later and will have to face everything that comes with being a woman. How do we talk about her body, expectations, and imagination because according to the article she is only 7 or 8?

Secondly for young men, as women I do believe we must begin to lead by example, teach, challenge, and speak to young men on what it means to be a partner in this life with other women and with each other. We in our fight for equality can not take away what it means to be men and the importance of who God intended for men to be. There needs to be an understanding and encouragement on our parts to uplift this next generation of men to be just as strong as we are asking our your women to also be. Perhaps we have a great opportunity to understand the variances between men and women and truly begin to shape how they work within balance to one another.

Perhaps feminism is not only the fight for equality for women, but eventually a fight for balance as well. A fight to celebrate in what makes us different and how each gender is as significant to this world as the other whether that is within corporations, home, communities, and/or church.

Simple Words to Live By

2010-08-10T07:58:00.004-05:00

Today in the car I tuned into the local Christian radio station. I have felt lately that my world is crumbling a bit and things right now seem a bit hopeless. As many of you who have read my blog know that we have been quite unsuccessful in our attempts at having children and have gone through extensive infertility treatments. Lately, I have been feeling very empty, defeated, hurt, confused, and angry. Even though I know and feel God is with me always I am still questioning why and waiting for the time when I look back and realize the reason for this very painful journey. So today I heard this song by an artist name Lincoln Brewster call "By the Power of Your Name" and I felt in my spirit that the words in the chorus were the simple truths that I needed to be living through no matter where I find myself. This is my challenge for my life:

And I will live

To carry on compassion

To love a world that's broken

To be Your hands and feet

I will give

With the life that I've been given

And go beyond religion

To see your world be changed

By the power of Your name

I don't know what tomorrow will bring or where my life journey is going to take me. I have ideas and I have dreams, but in all things I do I want to live and see this world transformed and changed by the Power of my Lord and Savior...

Wow - I really am not good at blogging :)

2010-08-09T08:52:00.002-05:00

I know I owe some posts about questions and comments from previous blogs. I must apologize as I have them almost ready to go. Not to make any excuses but I have had some major personal items happen in my life and well I pretty much dropped everything and decided it would be best to leave it all behind and not think about anything.

So that is what I have done for the past few days. I took a much needed long (well very long) weekend off and spent time with family and friends. I went to the beach soaked up as much sun as possible for a northern girl - on a side note I feel like I have so much tan potential I just don't ever seem to get it :( it could be because I so far have spent a total of 8 days in the sun. This summer has been incredibly busy.

okay back to the post...Anyway I will answer all the questions and comments because I think they need to be talked about and discussed. Especially amongst this next generation. Turtle Woman I want to send a big thank you for reminding many of us in my generation of the ground work that has been laid by so many who came before us. We read and hear stories, but sometimes we forget to feel and experience. Thank you for challenging us to feel and experience. I have really been inspired to make sure I fully embrace all that I am trying to do as a young women looking for her Christian Feminist voice!

On a totally new issue (sorry this post is jumpy). One of the big personal issues I am facing is a forced new career. My company which I have enjoyed in many ways being a part of is facing the same effects as so many others in this economy. Although, I have not been laid off yet or asked to leave yet the writing is on the walls and I really need to figure out a new career path. If any of you are in the Chicago land area and know of some openings or have any ideas I am all ears. I stated in an earlier post that I am doing some soul searching and really want to find a position that is making significant changes in this world. I am still doing my soul searching and seem to be coming up empty. I think I am more confused about this decision then I was when I was asked to choose a major in my undergraduate studies. Any advice and/or opportunities is greatly appreciated.

I promise I will clear my mind and be back to my regular posting soon! Thanks for hanging in there with me!!!

"Women Are Sex Objects..." thanks for the wisdom Hugh Hefner (insert sarcastic tone while reading)

2010-08-03T09:49:00.002-05:00

Snip from a Hugh Hefner interview to the Daily News (August 1, 2010):

On people who say he objectifies women:

"The notion that Playboy turns women into sex objects is ridiculous. Women are sex objects. If women weren't sex objects, there wouldn't be another generation. It's the attraction between the sexes that makes the world go 'round. That's why women wear lipstick and short skirts."

I think where Hugh Hefner gets his statement very wrong, because he and his entire empire does objectify women, is that women are sexual beings. We were made that way the same as men and yes because we are sexual beings then "another generation" may occur if there is a mutual agreement between adults to have children.

Being a sexual person and a sex object I believe are two totally separate entities all together. Yes, I believe we as women should celebrate that we can be beautiful on the outside and even sexy, but we really truly need to understand what makes us so much more beautiful on the inside. I don't mean to be patronizing in this statement with the old "oh its on the inside that counts," although, I do believe that statement is very true, what I am primarily speaking about is the amazing variables that are women. Beauty should be defined with every spectrum that makes us as women so unique. I am thankful that God made women with all of our characteristics both physical and emotional. I also want to make it very clear that even though our emotions and physical aspects are different that does not make us less, or as Hugh has put it sex objects, but equal.

Different should not define one group as less or stronger. And no I am not naive to understand that "different" has always been the excuse to make one group less then another. It is the easiest way that we as humans can define and group one another. Since we however, now have this deeper knowledge of understanding that we divide based on differences, then why can we not challenge ourselves, society, and this world to shift and celebrate difference and not use them as measurements.

Again, we have another bigger then life figure who is cherished by main stream media and males because of his rouge behavior and idolized worldly life telling us as women what we are and the "title" that we should adhere to as "sex objects." In his one statement he has made women not as equals but as objects to desire, admire, consume, own, keep, control...an object is something you possess not something you feel is your equal, your partner, your confidant, your friend, and/or your lover. Yes, as stated above we are sexual beings but we are not sexual objects...

Sadly the second portion of his statement with regards to lipstick and short skirts, may have some truth to it. I am guilty today of putting on my make up making sure my hair looks nice and I chose to wear a cute green dress. All of these things made me feel better about the way I looked and felt today. Are all of these pieces human (maybe even culturally) made, yes, are the a bit shallow, yes definitely, but am I carrying myself with dignity and confidence? Yes, I am. Is my outfit over sexualized and my hair in its pony tail to flirty? Perhaps, but that would be in the eye of the beholder and we need to continue to challenge men to not listen to the Hugh Hefner's but to see women as equal contributors to this world.

What is our Legacy Women?

“But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”- 1 Samuel 16:7

What is Feminine?

2010-07-30T15:05:00.001-05:00

*Quick note: I will be doing a few blogs on some questions within comments from previous posts . I just want to take time to really think about them before I respond. So in the mean time...*

I was curious how would you define feminine?

I looked it up in the Webster's dictionary and this is what it said: Feminine: 1. Of the female sex also: characteristic of, or, appropriate or peculiar to women 2. Of, relating to, or constituting the gender that includes most words or grammatical forms referring to females – femininity: Feminine (n): a noun, pronoun, adjective or inflectional form or class of the feminine gender also: the feminine gender

Feminine in my understanding is truly defined by cultural norms, expectations, religious traditions, media definitions, and historical views.

So I pose this question what is the definition of Feminine in the year 2010? I have my ideas, but am curious as to what you think...(be careful not what you want it to be defined as, but what it really looks like in today's society - I have a feeling these are very different definitions and distinctions)

My Glass Ceiling is also a Glass Box

2010-07-26T16:35:00.001-05:00

Today and on Friday I was incredibly frustrated with my job. I know we all have these moments and they will eventually pass because well work is work and I have to do it everyday. However, a very profound event happened which I realized not only am I hitting a glass ceiling currently, but I am also in a glass box. I happen to work in a very male dominated industry so I understood full and well what I was probably going to face with regards to "climbing" this corporation's ladder. I have been given some incredible opportunities, I have taken on some amazing projects, and been given a lot of responsibility, but I have also been tossed in the fire with the hopes I don't get burned too badly, I have been put up for failure by colleagues, and I have been asked to sink or swim with all of these I have tried to push through and be as successful as I can. Let me say I have made plenty of mistakes and had to ask for redos, had to confess what happened, and faced the boss. But I always thought if I played my cards right and continued to perform above and beyond that I would be able to move up. That theory for me has worked fairly well. I traveled when asked, I worked late when expected and when not expected, and volunteered to take on just about any project.

And yes there were several times I hit the glass ceiling really hard that it hurt mostly internally, but the pain was real. However, today as I was working and competing in the professional "rat race" I realized that as a young woman I am also in a glass box. Everything about my outward appearance is also being judged by my bosses and colleagues. My male counterparts I don't believe feel this same, will call it, gawking. As women in the office we gossip about each others outfits, weight, hair styles, etc. Men on the other hand look at our bodies, the shape, the "assets", our age, well everything with our outward appearance. I was disgusted maybe even a bit humiliated as I was stared at from my neck down. It was a lingering look that unfortunately happens all to often. But it got me thinking...does this play some role in deciding if I should be promoted as well? Unfortunately, I do believe that women are not only fighting the glass ceiling (which yes thank you to all the women before me who have fought tirelessly has moved up) but also a glass box.

I am curious what do you think?

Media, TV Shows, Movies, Music, etc. is saying that women are to be sexual beings that femininity is wrapped up in our promiscuity, our secret flirty glances, in our feminine sway as we walk past, in the flip of our hair, and in the tight little outfits we wear (well tight little outfits is not in my wardrobe for other reasons...). How many times do you watch a powerful woman in a movie or TV show come in wearing her tailored suit with a slit up the leg and a low cut top or jacket? As she sashays in with her stiletto heals. She may sit on the desk and cross her legs bearing a bit of high thigh which of course catches every male subject in the room or she slowly walks past as the cameras do a shot front and back from head to toe lingering on what are deemed her best features. The reactions show she is powerful, but why is she powerful? Do we see any degrees, certificates, and/or awards hanging on the walls to speak of her educational accomplishments? Not normally. Do we hear of her rise to the top through internships, crappy positions, middle management, sometimes, but then there is the office rumor of she probably slept with so and so...The message is clear this successful, powerful, "media woman" made it to the top by showing herself worthy in the glass box for all to judge, gawk and lust after. This is the role model for today's young women. No wonder they are confused about what is beautiful, what is sexy, and what is feminine.

What do you think?

Believing still in God's faithfulness

2010-07-23T07:54:00.003-05:00

Okay so I have taken some time to grieve and will probably need more time to completely heal from this emptiness. But I am happy to say that today I woke up and felt filled again with God's presence. No my pain is not gone and my disappointment has not left, but my anger has been lifted and peace has begun to enter my soul again.

As some of you have read on my blog and others who know The Marin Foundation (TMF) and my husband you know then that we have also (in addition to our infertility struggles) been taking some major hits by one particular person in the media which has spread to other places as well. I will not speak badly about this person and I have asked God to help me pray for this person and those in a particular article which did not tell the entire truth. I am learning to simply right now ask for God's protection on their lives because that is about all I can say in my prayers for them. Maybe they will become "nicer" but hey I am human.

Anyway I say this because with everything that has happened in our lives I felt today that God's plan for my husband and I is complete. I or we may not totally understand the different events which occur or the reasons certain things happen both good and bad, but in everything there is a perfect plan A with God. We both recently have been able to look back in retrospect and see how awesome the Hand of God has been in our lives and the awesome doors of opportunity which have been opened for both of us. We have been blessed with many things and with many responsibilities and for all of those things I rejoice in being a child of God.

I am learning that because I have God in my life and I wear the armor of His protection then I need to stand strong when the foundation under me begins to shake. With God's armor I need to know that I can take life's hits and weather the storms and walk through the valleys for God is always with me no matter where I find myself on this perfect journey and plan A.

Are there times in your life when you find that you need to look back and rejoice on the blessings which God has given? Do you see times when you were in valleys or walking in storms and realize how intricate those times were and how important they were to your future?

Today I am filled, not totally healed, but filled. I have courage, strength, and hope on my side!

Happy Friday!

Negative Again...Oh God please give me strength and understanding as to WHY

2010-07-20T08:06:00.001-05:00

As many of you know my husband and I have been on a very long, painful, lonely, confusing, and emotional journey of infertility. We attempted a third IVF try, second full IVF cycle try, and it came back negative again for the pregnancy test. This time we were able to transfer what the doctors called two excellent eight celled fertilized eggs and everyone thought this would be it. I felt 1000 times different from the last transfer and I really felt that my prayers and all those that were believing with my husband and I would be answered. Unfortunately, although confused and very angry, I am trying to understand and be confident that God has a perfect plan for my husband and I. He knows our desires and He will one day open the door to parenthood for us. I don't know when that will be or how it will be. As I have stated on this blog many times before I want so bad to feel everything that there is to being a mother and part of that is having life grow inside of me and giving birth to our baby.

I don't have answers for why this did not happen again. I don't know why God has not blessed us with a child, but what I do know is that I must continue to lean on Him for comfort and strength to try and take one step at a time and wake up one day at a time. This too is a healing process, I guess you could say its a grieving process. I am going to let myself heal. I can't even express the deep emotional pain that I am feeling. There are no words right now...

As for what we are going to do next. We have exhausted all of our insurance money. Well we have about $300 left in our lifetime cap of $20,000. This year and half of trying Clomid, an IUI, and three (two full cycle) IVFs has drained everything that my insurance package allows. The cost without insurance is around $10,000 plus the cost of medication which is about $5,000 for a total of around $15,000 for one round of IVF. I am really thankful that I had the insurance amount even if it is now falling short. The reason I was able to have all of the attempts is because of the contracted rates that my insurance company pays to the Doctors and Hospital. If we only had to pay the contracted rates then maybe we could attempt again....

Right now we are both discussing our options and praying. Please continue to pray with us. I believe our God is a God of miracles still to this day and He can bless us with a miracle...

Thank you for all your prayers, thoughts, and encouragement.

Fearing Anticipation

2010-07-16T12:15:00.001-05:00

So today I am fearing even the anticipation of things to come. Have you ever felt this way? My stomach hurts, my nerves are high, and I want to crawl into a hole and just hold myself maybe in a crazy way rock back and forth and cry.

My heart literally feels like it could exit my body through one major pump. That would be an interesting event. Boom no more heart maybe it would help take away these feelings I am having today.

Do you have events in your life that sometimes just thinking about them can lead you to feel uneasy and uncertain? I was reading yesterday, I think, one of the Proverbs 31 devotional emails and the entire post was about the perfect timing and gifts of God. The writer described a family that had lost everything in this very uncertain economy. This family apparently was a very wealthy pillar in the community and a very generous and loving Christian family too. Her questions and even anger with God is how could our God do this to people like this family. Then she referenced 1 Timothy 6:17 (NIV) "Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant not to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God who richly provides us with everything..."

It is the second half of this verse which really resonates with me. My husband and I are not wealthy by worldly standards but we have been blessed with a lot and we are always trying to learn how to remain responsible with those blessings, but in this time of fearing anticipation I always want to hold onto the promise that our God will always richly provide us with everything we need. I do not believe that this simply means monetary items or that richly is only measured in lots of money, but goes so much further. I do believe that our God understand each situation whether, monetary, infertility, family, home, job, education, etc. So for today I am trying to lean on my Lord that He is the ultimate provider in all things and His promises are real. I am praying for miracles in this time of anticipation.

Response to Turtle Woman Comment

2010-07-14T12:15:00.003-05:00

Edit 7-14-10: Sorry all I should have referenced where Turtle Woman's comment is from. You can read the post, "These are simply my thoughts," here and view the comments.

Turtle Woman Comment below:

Turtle Woman said...

I always find this odd situation of younger straight christians who are coming into the gay male community. What is your real purpose? What do you really believe? Right now, lesbians and gays are in the streets over civil rights. It is our equivalent of Freedom Riders or integrated restrooms. We are now in the streets and in the courts over the right to marry.

What is it that you do for a living Brenda? Is this just a woman following her husband, or do you have a programs all your own?

Are you 100% for the civil rights of lesbians and gays? Are you 100% for the rights of all women?

Remember, we have been in this war with fundamentalist christianity for a very long time. We have seen the very worst of people who use christ as a kind of hate battering ram against gays and lesbians. Every day, I monitor right wing radio, and every day almost I hear hate speech against lesbians and gays. Just what are you about? Not your husband. Not men, who I blame for this entire crusade against gay people, but you? What do you stand for?

July 13, 2010 11:55 PM

I attempted to respond in the response section, but I wrote too much so here is my response:

Turtle Woman - I am a manager of business operations for a security firm. I have had a successful career in the private sector for many years and have slowly with a lot of bumps and bruises climbed the corporate ladder with dignity and merit. I have hit numerous glass ceilings in my career goals and have been frustrated, angered, and in the same time cautiously optimistic. I have lived overseas as a director of non-profit initiatives for a private firm and held administrative positions as well when I couldn't find any work. I have earned my MBA with a concentration in International Business and a Master’s of Science in Organizational Behavior (MSMOB) with a concentration in Organizational Development. I have two graduate certificates which accompany my two masters’ degrees in Business Administration and Training and Development. I say all of this so you know without any doubt that I am my own person, but I will proudly say that I 100% support my husband and work just as hard at assisting him in his work as I do in accomplishing my own goals.

I will admit I am at a cross roads in my career and the industry that I find myself as I do my own reevaluation of my life, my skill sets, my experiences, and my education. I have not been fulfilled in the work I have been doing and I am looking for another opportunity to use my collective skill sets for something different. Once I figure that out I will share...

As for this blog, I began writing it initially to chronicle my personal struggle with infertility. It was an open diary to myself, my family, friends, and anyone else who cared to walk this journey with me. I needed something to help me cope and potentially heal from the pain I was feeling. Plus as I wrote I found it was helping other women speak about their own infertility journeys. I found a commonality in a lot of stories that were shared with me that there was a stigma attached with sharing your infertility struggles so I thought what the heck I will put it out there.

As for writing on women's issues, that just came because I am a strong female who like many, including yourself, is frustrated with the bureaucratic and patriarchal society we live in. I have experienced numerous times being patronized by my male colleagues for simply being a woman. It makes my skin crawl and I do appreciate the fight for equality of the women who have come before me which have made my abilities to attend school and climb the corporate ladder possible.

But in all fairness the reason I really started writing was in response to Rachel's question on my husband’s blog when he posted some of the things I had spoke about at a Christian Women's Conference. As I stated I felt the Lord speaking to me about female legacy to this next generation. I guess I primarily began my thought process from the Christian side since that was the original reason for my speaking invitation.

That was the first and since then only time I have been asked to share. I am not a professional speaker. I do not have my own forum, agenda, classes, and/or programs. I think I mentioned that I really enjoyed speaking because I have done a few within my industry and wouldn't mind doing more of it, but I am not promoting myself. My husband does not promote me to speak at places and I have not actively even begun to think of a way to make this my career. Although, again I definitely think I was bitten by the speaking bug at the one and only event and would not be opposed to doing it again!

As for what I believe: I do believe in equality for all. Enough said!

I do understand your frustration with right wing radio, media, etc. You and I probably share many of the same frustrations. But I am a conservative Christian as well. I may define what conservative means differently perhaps and I will say that many find what I believe and who I am to be quite liberal. So maybe I don't really fit anywhere with regards to my Christianity. I guess simply I am a Jesus Christ follower with all my heart, body and soul!

I don't know if I have even answered everything for you to your satisfaction. Through your words I can see you have been a tireless warrior for your community and for that I say please keep fighting. Please find some rest to refresh your body and soul. Your comments are welcome even if I do not fully understand or agree. I will continue to pray for you (and this is not to be meant as a patronizing statement, but with true genuiness). I would love to know more about you to...

These are simply my thoughts...

2010-07-12T12:30:00.008-05:00

Sorry all its been awhile since I posted anything. I must admit I have not really been inspired and haven't thought about much. Well maybe in that its been freeing :). I have spent a lot of time with friends and family over the holidays which I needed. I am perfectly fine with admitting that sometimes I really need a good dose of other people to help me along the way because I am not strong enough to carry my life by myself all the time. Sometimes I think we believe especially as women that we have to fight and carry everything on our own shoulders all the time. Trust me I am one of those women. I do not like asking for help and I want to prove always that I can do it and I will be successful, but as I am growing up (which on a side note I hope to never fully do) I am learning how important it is to lean on those around you who love and care for you.

Although I guess I do have something to share...

I have been watching my husband go through some really emotional battles lately. You see his foundation, The Marin Foundation (TMF) had an idea to attend the Chicago Pride Parade with shirts that read Sorry and write posters apologizing for how the "Church" has collectively dehumanized the treatment of the GLBT community. I was one of those who wore a t-shirt because truly as a Christian and follower of Jesus I was very sorry for the pain and scars that my belief system had bestowed upon a group of wonderful and precious people. My heart hurts for those I have met and the stories of their lives they have shared with me because in many cases they are my fellow Christian brothers and sisters which have caused that pain and left those scars.

So on the morning of the Pride Parade my husband and I went with a group of about 25 people from TMF wearing our Sorry t-shirts. Our intentions were simple as is the intentions of the foundation. We were simply people willing to stand in the gap where so many would not even dare to venture. Yes, I will be true to my Christianity and yes I love my Christian brothers and sisters, but I will also be true to my GLBT brothers and sisters and love them as well. I will stand in the gap for those and attempt to build a bridge between these two communities with TMF!

*PLEASE NOTE I AM NOT MAKING ANY OFFICIAL STATEMENT FOR OR ON BEHALF OF TMF - THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AS A WIFE, FRIEND, AND FOLLOWER OF CHRIST*

You see this campaign which truly had a message of peace, hope, faith, and forgiveness has been perverted by those that want so badly to find the evil in everything. I understand skepticism because I myself am a big skeptic, but I think its important to know that even in this world which is filled with so much evil and malice intentions that there are still those who love with everything and give relentlessly no matter the cost, pain, humiliation, and turmoil.

TMF does not want in any way shape or form to "change" ones sexual orientation but to transform people's lives in either finding a relationship with Christ for the first time or helping those that have been hurt by the faith community have a place to voice their stories and reconnect with the faith they want so badly to still be a part of.

I think on a personal level, outside of TMF, what is so difficult for others to understand is how important a relationship with Jesus is to both my husband and I. We are not fighting about denominations or religious dogma we are simply celebrating in the awesome power of being a follower of Jesus.

I also wanted to share a bit about my husband. One of the characteristics which I fell in love with and others who meet him also love about him is his child like spirit. I don't mean that he is immature, but he does not judge others with the same cynical lens that most of us have unfortunately began to wear. He loves first and very rarely asks questions. He gives everything to those in his life and expects very little in return. He hurts easily and cries often for the pains others have felt. His skin is very thin and he does wear his emotions on the outside. When you listen you feel through him the words of compassion and challenge. He still doesn't understand that people find what he does so foreign, evil, unproductive, and unrealistic. He willingly shoulders the hurt, criticism, scars, skepticism, joy, celebration, healing of every person who shares their story and life journey with him. Each person who has come to him he etches a piece of them into his heart.

For those who want so badly to hate and be skeptical of TMF and my husband its okay he will etch pieces of you into his heart as well. Our prayers will always be for your protection and happiness. I understand its hard to believe that there truly could be a person like this in today's society and world who has not been covered with the sludge of who we are as a society and world and what we have allowed ourselves to become. I too am amazed at how he can still view this world through eyes of total compassion and love. I want so badly to one day remove the judgmental, skeptical, cynical lenses that cloud my eyes and see this world as my husband does as I believe Jesus sees this world.

So with conviction I say I will stand in the gap with my husband and TMF. I will continue to love relentlessly and share the message that all are loved by our Heavenly Father. I will say I am sorry with the purist intentions. I will elevate the conversation and not answer yes or no to questions because that is too easy and I will follow the path less traveled. I will remain true to who I am and challenge those around me to find a better way to love and communicate. I will build a bridge. I will love those who hate, mistreat, call names, judge, lie, spread rumors, misrepresent, and want to eliminate my husband and TMF.

I will stand in the gap with my husband and TMF...

Strong Women = Intimidation

2010-06-28T16:35:00.002-05:00

I was speaking with a female friend of mine the other day (and I hope she doesn't mind that I share this story and our conversation - I didn't ask), anyway, she was telling me that in her Christian circle she has had several males come up to her and tell her that because she is so outspoken and wants to lead that she was not wife material and not only that she was intimidating. My first reaction of course was anger and disgust for the insecure Christian males that I have encountered today (of course Andrew you are not one of them).

She went on to tell me that she, although felt called, has left her position where she was working in a ministry type setting for another career path because she was tired of being patronized or challenged about her strengths because they did not meet the expectations of her Christian male counterparts. It broke my heart as she told me that it hurts so much more to be put down for being a women from your Christian male peers. And it hurt even more for them to judge her and tell her she was not worthy for them to consider as spousal material.

My first reaction to her was how barbaric that these Christian men thought so highly of themselves that they could in essence tell my friend she was not chosen by them. As if they had any ability to pass some type of pick and choose method with her. I said next time tell them its okay because you don't even make my expectation list so you were never marriage material for me either. As we laughed a bit about my statement and I encouraged her to continue to be strong and celebrate in her outspokenness and leadership abilities. I began to think about that ministry position she felt forced to leave because she was told that her place was only to contribute in the areas of XYZ even though her talents and her skills warranted her to contribute in areas of ABC.

Why is the glass ceiling for women leaders so much lower and thicker in the Christian circles? How can we teach and partner with our male colleagues in this arena so they do not continue to lose these very successful, beautiful, intelligent, and powerful women who will continue, in any place they are at, to change this world for the Kingdom? How do we empower the next generation of women and change the message to this next generation of males in the Church and the world?

I stand with all the women who feel beaten down by too many expectations, labels, and roles. I have been there and know the struggle, the pain, the frustration, and the sense of betrayal and defeat. I stand with the women who fight everyday and push against the glass ceiling in their ministry positions. I stand with the women who have either been forced out or like my friend couldn't take it anymore and needed to leave, I stand with them to encourage them to come back and fight to find significance in their gifts that they have been blessed with to be courageous and bold. As women I want to encourage each of us to write a better legacy to this next generation then the ones we have been handed. Lets us be thankful to the women who fought before us, but let us not get tired or discouraged, but let us be one voice that will crack and break the Christian ministry glass ceiling.

God uses us all and we can look to the bible to see that it was women who stood when so many others fell away. It was Mary who boldly went to the tomb and discovered that Jesus had risen!!!

Switch topics (but will be back to discuss women/girls/culture/society) Taking another step foward

2010-06-25T08:00:00.002-05:00

I felt it was a good time to give an update on my and Andrew's infertility journey. I must admit this has been the most painful, lonely, faithful, scary, empty, hopeful roller coaster ride I have been on to date. And trust me like all people I have had some major things happen in my life, but so far none have even compared to the emotions I have felt with infertility. I would not wish this on my worst enemy it is such a horrific experience, but as I said to Andrew if we had unlimited funds I would do it over and over and over again.

So we had a bit of insurance money left and we are going to try one more time. I tell myself everyday to take a deep breath and live life in this moment today celebrating the possibility that our Lord will one day grant the desires of our heart and let us be parents. Many of you have been so encouraging through this process as I am learning so many have been on their own infertility roller coaster. Some of you have chosen the IVF route while others have not and I appreciate all of the suggestions, encouragement, and prayers. Additionally, thank you for sharing your stories of adoption and the recommendations that you have shared. We may be asking one day for those recommendations and guidance into the world of adoption.

However, for right now I want to just share some items on my heart. I am angry with this situation. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I cry and ask God to give me a heart of faithfulness and celebration in the goodness He has already provided. I pray and celebrate in those items and then I ask God "Do You hear my prayers? Do You hold my tears? Lord give me strength to be full in Your plan for my life. Let me know that You always know and are directing our path and that path is always plan A even when I believe I may be at plan G. Your timing is perfect and Your reasons are perfect. Lord please give me fulfillment and comfort in knowing You are everything even in these most empty places of not being able to have children.

Lord I want to know what it feels like to be pregnant. I want so desperately to be excited at the first feelings of a baby moving inside of me. To see my body changing, to experience all of the emotions. To celebrate with my husband when he feels for the first time our baby moving. I want so badly to understand that deep connection that only mother and baby can have as the baby grows. I want to feel the stress of when the baby is about to come, the decorating of the nursery, the anticipation of a perfect little life. Lord I want to feel the pains of labor and see the fear on my husband's face as we rush down Lakeshore Drive to our hospital. I want to see him hold his baby for the first time and experience everything with him as he begins to understand his new role as a father. Lord I want to hear my baby cry for the first time, feel the baby's first breath, and count his/her toes. I want for Andrew and I to experience all of the restless nights and confusion in becoming new parents. I want us to experience finding our rhythm with our baby and seeing every mile stone in their development.

Dear Lord this is the desire of our hearts. I pray Lord that in Your perfect plan A for Andrew and I You have a beautiful baby in heaven waiting to grow and be granted in our care as this baby's parents. I pray Lord that You hear our cries and Lord You fill us with Your faithfulness to accept any outcome.

I will keep everyone posted as to where we are at in the process. As I stated before I will speak primarily in generalities as I will not announce the actual results if positive until after three months, but if negative again I will post what happened. I have been taking great notes so I can chronicle this entire experience. Andrew and I have been on this roller coaster for over one (1) year now and are approaching the year and half mark. Our prayers I know have been heard so please keep praying with us as we continue to pray and lean on our Lord for His fullness and love.

Part 4: Response to comments to Feminist with Traditional Values/Beliefs

2010-06-19T13:00:00.001-05:00

Part 4:

First I need to indicate that this blog post is response four (4) of four (4) and is in reference to the comments made to the previous post, “Feminist with Traditional Values/Beliefs http://brendamarin.blogspot.com/2010/06/feminist-with-traditional-valuesbeliefs.html – Answer to blog post question.” If you haven’t already you may want to read the comments to the mentioned post so that this new post makes sense to you.

To Anonymous 4: I believe I addressed why I believe we are the first generation to really live with the benefits of the modern women’s movement in my above statements. Unfortunately, to this day CEOs are still dominated by males and in the professional world we as women still have to figure out how to break the glass ceiling. Although I believe it has moved and the glass is much thinner it’s unfortunately still there. However, the message in today’s media tells most women that by sleeping our way to the top is the most freeing/satisfying, powerful and fastest way to get the “job” done (no pun intended). Maybe we as older and wiser women understand the complications to using our sexuality to get us further in life, but young impressionable women do not understand the distinction and if in their books, their favorite T.V. shows, and in the movies this is the ultimate portrait of women again how do we as women find a more powerful message about celebrating why we are unique as female leaders with unique female management styles. Yes, we do need to teach our young girls about independence and finding their own passions and success because the divorce rate is so high and well let’s face it if the modern message to women is use your looks and body to get what you want unfortunately our looks do eventually fade and not all of us can afford Dr. 90210  (okay sorry for the sarcasm). As I mentioned before 49% of our population is men in this world and no matter how much we say that men will not have any say in our lives and the improvement of this world they will and we need to find a much better way to discuss the balance between men and women and what each can bring to the corporate table, the world table, the volunteer table, the non-profit table, the social-activities table, the Church table, etc.

For my lesbian sisters, we as women need to also figure out better how we celebrate each other and love one another in all of our uniqueness and the gifts each of us as women bring to one another. This world may seem in a big picture to be male/female because that is an easy categorization, but I do believe that as women we beat each other up over minute details and no matter our belief system or our choices in lovers we have a message to bring to this next generation and we cannot let a over sexualized male dominated media world define who we are as women.

To Rachel: Thank you for asking the question and allowing for this conversation to continue and be blogged about. I am glad I was able to clear up what I meant by traditional beliefs. It has taken me a long time and quite a bit of my own soul searching to be able to validate and celebrate with women who are significant in all of their roles no matter if that is “traditional” wife/mother, career woman, lesbian, “non-traditional” wife/mother, etc. I wish too that I could have been in the U.K. to experience the entire event and am glad that you were able to meet Andrew. I think he is a pretty great guy!  I agree with what you wrote with regards to understanding the relationship you are in and the different roles each of you play in order to make the relationship work. I love that you include your young daughter and with regards to Andrew and I we really do have a great partnership as well with very equal say and equal responsibility, we have just agreed that he can be in many parts of our relationship the deliverer of the message. I hope if Andrew is back in the U.K. that I will be able to go with him and we do get a chance to meet. I would also love to meet your whole family!

To Anonymous 5: I don’t even want to take the time to respond. Of course I know that there are many lesbian mothers and families. Andrew and I live in the LGBT neighborhood in Chicago. Again, I was attempting to reference the actual event I was speaking at and the audience which was receiving my message at the time. If you have daughters then I hope we can all as women figure out how to make sure they are beautiful, strong, women who love everything about themselves inside and out. Who understand that we are unique and it’s okay to celebrate in that uniqueness. That we as women can dream as big as we want and accomplish anything we want and it’s okay to celebrate also being a wife and mother. We are all significant in the roles we find ourselves and can change the world around us just by being women.

Part 3: Response to comments to Feminist with Traditional Values/Beliefs

2010-06-19T08:00:00.001-05:00

Part 3:

First I need to indicate that this blog post is response three (3) of four (4) and is in reference to the comments made to the previous post, “Feminist with Traditional Values/Beliefs http://brendamarin.blogspot.com/2010/06/feminist-with-traditional-valuesbeliefs.html – Answer to blog post question.” If you haven’t already you may want to read the comments to the mentioned post so that this new post makes sense to you.

First Anonymous comment: Although I do not understand fully what it means to be in a lesbian relationship I can appreciate your journey. I, however, cannot agree with you and your partners desire to only associate yourselves with female oriented teachings, writings, groups, activities, etc. Although I respect that this is your choice, as for many others in this world the other 49% of this population is male and whether we are lesbian or not we will have to live, work, and encounter our male family members, colleagues, bosses, friends, and even lovers. I do not believe that your message of separation and from what I deem hatred for the male race is a healthy or an appropriate message for young women. I do think however, that we can find a positive common message which does celebrate everything that there is about being a female and all of the powerful and yes world changing characteristics that we have and should present to young women whether straight or lesbian. Also to your P.S. I think it would be great to have a forum of discussion where we can find one common voice which balances all of our different perspectives…the ability to balance, appreciate, and take into account others feelings, thoughts, and ideas is one of the many awesome characteristics of women!!! 

To Anonymous 3 (or the comment after the P.S.): I wish that the definition of traditional hierarchy was not the norm and yes I do believe outside of the big picture Church it is as you say “no longer a valuable reference for grappling with the cultural challenges we must faces as individuals.” Unfortunately, though within broader Church culture (making a very generalized statement; I of course have not been in every church, denomination, gathering, etc.) this definition of patriarchal dominated culture is still very much alive and is hindering the growth and message presented to all women, but for me most importantly to young women. I applaud you for not only assessing your gifts for what you bring to only your spouse or children, as I feel the same I want to be measured by my Lord for the gifts that were given to me and that measurement to be based on what I do to change my world no matter how big or small. I however, believe we need to learn to celebrate with all women in all walks of life no matter the choice that they make. Yes, we have access to power, but what is power? What does power look like and how is it defined. Power to me as women is about how I significantly change the world around using all of the talents I have been blessed with and assisting in the transforming power of the Word of God to all of the world’s people. Yes, as women we should not only be defined but what male dominated society has said we are supposed to be. In fact, in my relationship Andrew is the more emotionally sensitive partner while I am the stronger more leader oriented partner. As I was trying to state before (although I don’t know if I made it very clear) it is not about a dominating hierarchal structure where male is on top and female is on bottom it is about a balance between where the two of you in your relationship find a way to communicate using the unique characteristics and gifts that were given to you as within both male and female or female to female. What I wanted to do was to share with how I learned to appreciate and celebrate the power of the women who loved every part of being in a “traditionally” deemed marriage. I want to show value to those women as much as I want to show value to my relationship with Andrew which is way different from the “traditional” roles. We, Andrew and I, are a balance to one another and I lift him up as a man of God just as he lifts me up as a woman of God both with our own individualistic characteristics which makes us unique as man and woman.

Part 2: Response to comments to Feminist with Traditional Values/Beliefs

2010-06-18T16:35:00.003-05:00

Part 2:

First I need to indicate that this blog post is response two (2) of four (4) and is in reference to the comments made to the previous post, “Feminist with Traditional Values/Beliefs http://brendamarin.blogspot.com/2010/06/feminist-with-traditional-valuesbeliefs.html – Answer to blog post question.” If you haven’t already you may want to read the comments to the mentioned post so that this new post makes sense to you.

The reason I believe I was feeling the Lord speak so strongly to me about looking at what is my female legacy was because of what I believe this younger generation believes makes women strong and powerful and those traits seem to be centered around their sexuality. The more media I paid attention to with regards to women and young women, the more modern books I skimmed through and the more young girls I listened to and observed my heart continued to break. The pendulum on feminism and femininity seems to be swinging in a really bad direction. The message that is plastered everywhere and even in our churches (which I will talk about a bit later) is that being sexual will bring you power and success. The female lead on television and in books are beautiful and use there “female ways” to get them through situations, but those “female ways” in the majority of circumstances are centered around how well she used her body or female assets. We went from a women’s movement fighting to being equal to our male counterparts with regards to our rights, our dress, our speech, our approaches, our pay, etc. what many would deem the quintessential feminist woman to what we are now seeing today in this next generation of women (and maybe even my generation) that are swinging so far away from the “feminist” woman to an over sexualized woman that needs sex to gain power, acceptance, love, and success. I for one do not want this to be the legacy that I leave to the young girls coming behind me and I do not want the “fourth wave” of the women’s movement to describe a women who used her body and the assets she either was naturally given or enhanced to be accepted, loved, powerful, and/or successful.

The Church, I explained in my talk/conversation, has done little to prepare young women for the “modern” world and the expectations and roles placed upon women. Additionally, the church seems to still blame females and their bodies or sexuality for the shortcomings of males, which was confirmed when I spoke with many women at the conference who worked with youth. This blame unfortunately leads to shame in who they are and the bodies they were given. No wonder they are quite confused when they enter the world which tells them their bodies are powerful if used for desire/sex and can get you love, power, acceptance, and success.

These young girls have read, as I did, about the women in the past that fought for our rights and they don’t feel the struggle. Sure you could say because the books were probably written primarily by men and maybe they had a male teacher but those are excuses and cop outs for what we as women are not doing to portray ourselves as different to this world and to this next generation. I agree with one of the comments made on the previous post that as Western women we need to be movers and leaders for all women on a global scale, but yet in that we cannot figure out what that message is to be.

Part 1: Response to comments to Feminist with Traditional Values/Beliefs

2010-06-17T16:35:00.003-05:00

Part 1:

First I need to indicate that this blog post is response one (1) of four (4) posts and is in reference to the comments made to the previous post, “Feminist with Traditional Values/Beliefs http://brendamarin.blogspot.com/2010/06/feminist-with-traditional-valuesbeliefs.html – Answer to blog post question.” If you haven’t already you may want to read the comments to the mentioned post so that this new post makes sense to you.

Secondly, I think it’s important to describe and reference the type of conference that I was speaking at, as many of the comments on the blog seemed to not take into account the audience this conversation/talk was delivered too. Additionally, many comments were from my lesbian sisters who pointed out a very different female view point and way of family living which I am very appreciative. I want to be encouraged that we as women can find a unified voice no matter the gender of our partner. The conference was a Christian Women’s conference. I was originally asked to speak on the topic of marrying into your husband’s ministry when you yourself have not necessarily heard God speak to you or call you into the same place. Although for Andrew and I this is a true statement, as the organizers of the conference chose something I should have been able to share on because this is my story and journey currently. Though as I prepared for the talk in my spirit I felt I was hearing the Lord say that yes this is a good topic, but I felt the Lord tell me to look into what my generation as women’s legacy is to the next generation. I am 30, well 30 for almost three months, and as I began to do my research I realized that I was one of the first generations to live in a post time period from what historians deem as the three waves of the modern women’s movement. Please do not think I am naïve enough to believe that we as women are not done fighting for equality in the work place, within pay scales, respect from male counterparts, etc. but with regards to how currently the modern women’s movement is described we are the first generation to live fully in the benefits that the women before me had fought so tirelessly as recorded in history beginning yes, some 150+ years ago. Additionally, I was realizing that the young women behind me would be even more a part of this post time period and what am I doing, what is my voice and message to them. My research found many messages to young women (many not very positive or progressive) but not one unifying women’s voice of what we as women represent our strength, our power, our uniqueness, our success, our leadership, etc. I wanted to find out what my generation of women will be remembered for within history based on what today’s young woman looked like, acted like, and are portrayed as. Potentially when they write the “fourth wave” of the modern women’s movement what is it going to say, for me and what I have experienced, read, lived, watched, encountered, talked about etc. I was not happy about what history may write about my women’s legacy.

This is what I felt the Lord was challenging me to talk about with the women at the conference, however, it was still appropriate that I also talk about the subject that I was asked originally to speak about so that is where the blending of marriage, motherhood, legacy, women’s voice, etc. grew from. The question from Andrew’s blog was centered around what I spoke about at that particular conference to that particular audience. I do not meant to offend anyone but my guess the majority of the women at this conference were probably in a heterosexual marriage and with children. I would assume that 99% attending were heterosexuals which also found themselves in a ministry position whether that was as a leader, pastor, staff member, and/or volunteer. What I wrote in the original blog post in response to the question raised on Andrew’s blog I did put in parenthesis, heterosexual relationship, because that was the audience I was speaking to. I also wanted to clarify that in reference to the question raised on Andrew’s blog with regards to why I used the words traditional values/beliefs. Although I am not a mother (the other portion of this blog chronicles my infertility journey), I am a wife in a heterosexual relationship and I was sharing my journey and response in validating the lives of women that I once judged because they were “traditional” in their roles as wives and mothers within their heterosexual relationship. This was a lesson I learned and shared with the other women at the conference that we as women cannot continue to divide, define, and categorize each other in order to figure out how we may be better than other women or that their life choices are not as powerful, successful, and/or important.

Feminist with Traditional Values/Beliefs - Answer to blog post question

2010-06-10T16:36:00.004-05:00

Below was a question on Andrew's blog about the talk I gave at Urban Youth Workers' Institute http://www.loveisanorientation.com/2010/brendas-powerful-talk/ (you can see the entire blog post here with other comments)

I wanted to take a moment to write my response. There were no transcripts and it was not recorded so I have to go off of memory and my own thoughts. I understand also that Andrew's audience is a bit different then mine on this blog, but I think for women we need to love each other where ever we find ourselves.

Rachel June 10, 2010 at 2:46 am

I’d really love to know what Brenda’s referring to by ‘traditional beliefs’. Any place we can get the whole transcript?

Response:

When I say traditional beliefs I am validating the idea that if you find yourself as a wife/mother (specifically talking about a heterosexual relationship here, but I think it would work in all relationships) I am okay with being one with the concept that in a Christian home the man is the head of our household. Now let me clarify that in no way means we are subservient to our husbands rules and we have no say within the direction of our home, our values, our worth, our goals, and our desires as women. I understand from my experience in business and within the field I am that there has to be a structure to your organization and in some ways from a very organic/big picture perspective a family is like an organization there has to be a structure. I believe that until we as women understand and strip away the negative meanings behind what traditional values and beliefs mean we will never be able to embrace the concept that we are equal partners in the decisions we make within our relationships. Men require certain (lets say need) encouragement from women in order for them to be successful. Maybe it was one of God’s humorous attributes to make men insecure and in doing that God recognized in His divine wisdom that men needed a “help mate” an equal partner to be there along his side to make sure chaos does not occur. We are to be a balance to one another. We as women need to celebrate our uniqueness and the attributes we bring to a relationship in order to balance it.

My best friend taught me how to humbly appreciate the stay at home mommy who studied a traditional female field (education). I never personally looked down on her because I loved her and knew her worth as an amazing women who has touched and blessed many lives, but I will admit I would place her out of the category as an exception because she was my best friend and judge the rest of the women within this non-career, non-feminist, category as women who did not understand the struggle and fight we as strong, feminist, career oriented, highly educated women must do in order to pursue equality. But watching my best friend and her interactions and the lives she touches every day in her place of significance I realized that we as women simply beat each other up over definitions and meanings of what is traditional beliefs or traditional values.

I believe we look so negatively on these words because we have allowed a male dominated society and patriarchal "Church" culture define what these words are supposed to mean and we as women have turned them into negative messages which we thought were supposed to unify and inspire us to keep fighting for equality but reality we have played right into the hands of the male/patriarchal society and "Church"and allowed it to divide us as women. The unifying message that was supposed to make us angry and push us forward has actually played into our insecurities of judging one another and trying to place all women into categories of who is better than the other.

As single women, women within in relationships and partnerships we still must find our strength in understanding the uniqueness we posses as women. That we must encourage one another with one single unifying voice that we are talented, we are beautiful, we were all created in God’s perfect image to play a significant influential role in where we find ourselves. We need to encourage women in all walks of life and not find ways to divide and judge. We as women have allowed ourselves to become over sexualized in the name of a new found femininity, but our femininity should not be defined but what our bodies look like or what we can do sexually to our partners. We need to teach this next generation to embrace what makes us different from men, what makes us successful as women, and it’s okay to follow and have traditional beliefs or values of what a partnership is within scripture. We need to understand what our legacy will be to the next generation of young women. No you do not have to be married or follow what is deemed “appropriate” by church or society and you can still be used in great ways to where ever you feel God has called you.

All this to say that I am secure in who God made me, what He has called me to do and be, the talents He has blessed me with, the goals I have accomplished, the professional success I have had, the high education I have received that I am okay with saying I am a feminist with traditional values and beliefs. I embrace the concept that within a relationship there is a partnership where you have one general and one second in command (I don’t know the military term for the second in command). They have equally important positions vital to accomplishing the mission or task at hand in order to guarantee its success. They equally discuss the plan of action and challenge one another for the best outcome. The general may deliver the message but the two of them together lead there team. That team maybe your family, your mission, your office, your calling, your relationship, your partnership, etc.

I am strong, I am beautiful, I am talented, I have been on a long journey to be able to love all women in all different places which all have equal significance and influence. We need to love one another for what we were created to be and not believe those are hindering descriptions but rather uplifting celebrations of how to live this life in the most significant and Godly way.

So women I am curious what are your thoughts?

My Talk at the Women's Re: Conference with Urban Youth Workers Institute

2010-06-10T16:35:00.000-05:00

My husband, Andrew Marin posted this (link)http://www.loveisanorientation.com/2010/brendas-powerful-talk/ on his blog about the talk I did in Miami. These were some of the tweats he sent out during the conversation. There was a question asked about what I meant about traditional beliefs/values and I will answer that question in the next blog post. However, I thought I would post this first. I hope you enjoy! It was a very exciting time for me and I was humbled that Urban Youth Workers Institute invited me to share. I must admit I was definitely bit with the speaking bug because I would love to do it some more!!! So if anyone out there needs a female speaker at their event I am your woman!!!

Brenda’s Powerful Talk

June 9, 2010 · 5 comments

Oh how I wish you all could have been in Miami on Friday when Brenda brought the house down. For those of you who aren’t on Twitter (I am @LovesMeSomeYou), here are some of the comments I tweeted from her talk about living distinctly within the realms of feminism, the church and culture:

“This (homosexuality/bridge building) might be Andrew’s calling, but it has become our ministry.”

“Women should never be a ‘yes’ person. We’re not just a help-mate, we’re more. We’re equal partners & have to start reclaiming that outlook.”

“All the women in the Bible used their knowledge, power and influence (whether big or small) to get their Kingdom jobs finished. That’s a model for me.”

“Feminist isn’t a bad word. But it’s become one in the Church so men could stay in power. I’m a feminist with traditional values and that scares people.”

“I’m in the first female generation that the feminist movement fought for, and we’re still empty and searching to find ourselves…”

“Thank you Lord for blessing woman with such uniqueness. Who cares if the church or culture gets it or not.”

“Christians call me an Alpha-Female. I prefer to say I’m a ‘hard-lined compassionate’. The incredible part about knowing yourself in Christ is that it makes you strong!”

“I told myself I wasn’t going to be defined by what was traditionally expected of me….”

“I was going to do and be whatever I wanted to be and accomplish all of my goals no matter the cultural or Church disgust. And I STILL love the Lord! Many feel that combination of things is impossible.”

“There’s a vision for the future to combine femininity and traditional beliefs. Until we woman believe that it’s never going to happen.”

Much love.

Closed Off

2010-06-08T16:35:00.002-05:00

I must admit that as a female you would think that I would want to surround myself with other women as we technically were created to enjoy the companionship of others and collectively as women we feel stronger, loved, secure, when we are with one another. Sometimes I think I find myself in a world all my own. Which in a western, individualistic society probably doesn't sound so bad. Plus I do enjoy that I like to walk to the beat of my own drummer. However...

After spending time sharing and speaking with Andrew at a conference in Miami called Re: put on by the Urban Youth Workers Institute (which hopefully they will continue with this conference and I want to tell other women it is worth investing in to attend because we really need to learn to re:invest in ourselves more often - okay no more plugs) I realized that I really needed to not close myself off anymore. So many have called, written on my blog, facebooked, texted and emailed. Thank you, thank you, thank you -

I know that I am not alone in this journey and that there are many many other women who have come before me and unfortunately there will be women who will come after me. I don't know why I shut myself in and couldn't bring myself to be surrounded by the wonderful company that is a group of strong, beautiful women. The conference was a women's conference which for a long time I stayed far away from. I don't know why a room full of women makes me personally far more uncomfortable than a room full of men. Maybe its because we so quickly judge one another and small talk really is not a women's "thing" which means we probably subconsciously put up walls to new comers. I know I do, and I don't mean to do it. So anyway back to this conference...It was wonderful all walls were down. The veils which we tend to hide behind were lifted and we were a group of women striving to find peace, relaxation, renewal in being unique people created in God's perfect image. It was a time to regenerate the female soul to encourage women to continue down the path of leadership, empowerment, and beauty where ever they find themselves even when a glass ceiling seems so thick. God thankfully called us all to do His work and we are all perfect (well with a lot of imperfect qualities) servants of the Lord.

But for me the most important aspect was realizing the need for good girl friends in my life. I need to extend myself to places that make me uncomfortable because selfishly I need good girlfriends right now in my life and from that I will hopefully be able to also extend the gift of what it means to be a good girlfriend to other women.

So with this lesson I want to extend a big thank you to all of those who have reached out. I have read your comments and I have cried knowing how much people care. The emotions I guess at the time were to raw and I didn't know how to express the disappointment. But all of your words were so encouraging.

I will continue to blog about our progress with infertility, but I am also going to chronicle my time really diving head first in reconnecting with old girlfriends and making new ones. Pray with me for this new journey as well. For me its way out of my comfort zone, but thanks to a very unlikely place at a Christian Women's Conference I learned the importance of having a solid group of women around me to mentor me, to help me, to encourage me and for me to give back with the same amount of emotion, connection and desire to speak into their lives as well.

Anxiety - Pain - Anticipation - Negative

2010-05-24T12:15:00.002-05:00

Where do I even begin...

Andrew and I went through with the first IVF procedure. On Mother's Day, which I thought was an awesome gift from God, I went in for the retrieval procedure. I didn't know what to expect and was quite nervous. I have been quite fortunate to not have many surgeries or even any hospital stays. In fact, the only surgery I really ever had was having my wisdom teeth removed (all four impacted). Anyway, my heart was racing as I was filled with some anxiety over what was about to happen. It was racing so fast that they had to postpone for a bit until I was able to calm myself down. I began to relax as much as I could and my heart rate came down. I was wheeled into the procedure room where they began the retrieval. I was told that it shouldn't hurt and if it did to let the anesthesiologist know and they would give me more drugs. Right away I could feel the pain and told them it hurt. They put more medication into my IV. Only a short bit after that I informed them again that it hurt quite a bit and they put even more into my IV. The second dose put me out completely. I remember the anesthesiologist rubbing my hand and saying its going to be okay just hold on and we will put in some more medication.

I woke up in a daze still in the procedure room. One of the doctors gave me my first progesterone shot and then they wheeled me back to the recovery area. I slept for a bit on and off and then they gave me juice and crackers and Andrew was brought back. He said I looked yellow and awful. I felt awful. The pain in my stomach was terrible and I was incredible nauseous. The doctor who performed the surgery came in to apologize with how difficult it was because apparently my ovaries were had to get at and they really had to put some effort into it. He said I would probably be quite sore (yeah he was not kidding). They were able to remove 14 eggs. Andrew took me home where I threw up from the medications. Andrew was a dear and had to clean it up. I laid all day with a heating pad on my stomach. I stayed home from work on Monday and wished I had stayed home on Tuesday too because of the pain. We received a call from the doctor's office which said of the 14 eggs removed, 11 were mature enough, and 10 fertilized. I was so excited!

On Wednesday, May 12th we went in for the implant procedure. It was quite easy like a pap smear. I would do that 1,000 times over and hoped to never ever have to do the retrieval again. The doctor who did the implant told me that my eggs were a mish mash of qaulity and that the two they were implanting were the best of the bunch. He graded them an A-/B+. Hey thats better than average right?!? Andrew and I after the procedure went to a movie "Date Night" and then home to rest. I stayed home from work on Thursday to rest as well. Andrew has been taking incredible care of me. He hasn't been scared at all about giving me the shots in the butt every night. Those progesterone shots are awful, but I will do anything for the baby(babies) we may have...

Friday I attempted to go to work but needed to leave half way through because of the pain I was still feeling. I took the rest of the day to rest and then did very little over the weekend. I was with my parents because Andrew had to go out of town. Lets just say my parents were not as good at giving shots as Andrew, but again its okay...I kept telling myself it would be worth it...

On Saturday, May 15th I received a call from my doctor's office letting me know that none of the remaining eight fertilized eggs made it and we would not be freezing any. I thought at the time that is okay because I know I am pregnant with one or two babies...

On Saturday May 22nd I went in for the pregnancy test. I was feeling so confident. We and so many others had been praying for this miracle and this or these lives. I was soooo happy. I even bought Andrew a congrats you're a daddy gift. I just knew for sure that they were going to call to tell me the test was positive. Andrew and I felt like this was going to be a life changing time and moment. He unfortunately was in CA for work, but thats okay we were going to celebrate when he came home...

The call came in about 1pm with the news. It was negative. I was not pregnant. I know doctor's offices have to just give you the facts but the cold delivery was devastating. My heart felt like in that moment it was ripped out of my body kicked around stomped on and put back in bruised and in pieces. Why, why can't I have children naturally, I don't smoke, I only drink maybe once or twice a year, I am healthy, I am strong...Why would IVF not work for me, why would we come this far, use up so much time and finances to hear the words the test was negative. I am trying to understand the lesson I am to learn from our Lord. I still praise him for my family and friends which have given so much support, but I am human and I have to ask why.

So today I am trying to learn what it means to lean on our Lord even when I don't understand His plan or His outcome right now. I am trying to be confident in knowing His plan is divine for my and Andrew's life. I am trying to learn to be faithful and lean on His wisdom and plan for my life.

Andrew and I have not yet talked about our next steps, but I am confident it will be based in prayer and love between Andrew, myself, and our Lord.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We really need them at this time :)

Lessons Learning :)

2010-05-03T16:40:00.001-05:00

Yes, I know the title of this blog is grammatically incorrect. However, as in life I am constantly learning new things and hope to always be discovering, learning, experiencing until the end.

Okay that being said. I wanted to pass on a few lessons I am learning through this whole infertility process. Infertility is expensive. There is no way around the cost and it truly is very unfair that so many are not able to even attempt the procedures because the cost is so prohibitive. I wish I had some awesome advice on grants and loans on how to pay for the procedure or possibly a less expensive clinic or option, but that I have not discovered yet. But if you find yourself wanting to try the infertility journey these are some of the cost saving methods I am learning (or wish I had learned before). Just to be clear and honest through my insurance I do have an infertility benefit, but it has a very small lifetime maximum so I have had to be diligent in watching every penny and asking some very embarrassing questions about cost and medical necessity and if I can pay for this procedure out of pocket or on a payment plan.

So here are the lessons:
1. Your OBGYN can run a lot of the preliminary tests for you and you can request (or demand) that he/she bill out as medical necessity for pre-pregnancy testing. Most of us have OBGYN coverage and most of the time these items are covered by our insurance. So if you do not have infertility coverage or if you are like me and have a very limited amount of coverage this is a way to have your insurance pay or have it not be billed against your infertility maximums
2. Always ask what the cost of a procedure or test is going to be. Talk to your doctor about the medical necessity. Ask if you paid out of pocket for this procedure what would be the cost and request to have it not be billed against your insurance
3. The medications are horribly expensive so again humble yourself and beg for samples that may be available. They are always getting samples in from the drug companies and usually they have a pack or two you can potentially bum off of them :)
4. Call around for the cost associated with the medications. Different companies definitely have different prices. Plus the clinic you are with should be able to suggest the drug company they work closer with and that company should have a discounted rate
5. Be honest with your doctor about your finances. You would be surprised at how they can work with you or be flexible with payments. They do care and they do want to see you have a child

Okay those are the lessons I am learning with regards to finances. To watch the cost I have created a spreadsheet which adds up the total cost and subtracts away from the total lifetime cap that I have with my insurance. I hope this helps some of you...

Oh My Gosh I am Speaking at a Conference - Calling all Women!!!

2010-04-19T16:35:00.003-05:00

Wow this life is crazy with its many ups and downs, twists and turns...One of those amazing twists and turns will be happening June 3-5, 2010 in Miami, Florida where I will be speaking at a women's conference put on by Urban Youth Workers Institute. The women's conference is specifically called: "The re: re:fresh, re:lax, re:sort - Whats your re?" I would like to encourage all of the female readers of this blog to check it out at http://www.thereconference.com/

I clicked on the About re page and this is what it says:

Relate: Women connecting with other women walking out life in service to the city
Release: Women joining together to lay aside what they do and be reminded of why they are
Relax: Women soaking in the tanquil setting of lush palm trees beside cool waters
Redefine: Women seeing that the word "conference" has an entirely new meaning
Rejuvenate: Women uniting with other women to witness a renewal of the soul
Refresh: Women connecting with other women to replenish themselves mind, body, and spirit

GIVEWAYS: Including Spa Packages, Massages, Pedicures and Manicures

"The re" conference

In its inaugural year, this unique conference defines itself as the "unconference." The idea behind "The re" is that it be a weekend of connection and growth for women serving in the urban context. The luxurious atmosphere of the Doral Spa and Resort in Miami, FL invites all the participants to be pampered in mind, body, and spirit. From the moment women arrive they will find their "connecting point," groups of women where they fit. Women are free to find as many connecting points as they desire throughout the weekend, and there will be plenty of opportunities to mingle and go deep.

Through the "WORTH" shops women will be given the opportunity to learn and grow in topics specifically addressing the needs of women who serve in the city. These two hour sessions will intentionally engage the participant in interactive discussion with plenty of space to apply all they learn.

The weekend is overflowing with opportunities for you to find your "re." We will be sitting, standing, resting, teaching, recharging, learning, pampering, connecting with our Lord and Savior and so much more. Come and create your own experience.

There is still room for women to sign up to attend. I would love to see familar faces and meet lots of new ones that really only know me either through this blog or through Andrew my husband...Plus I must admit I could use all the encouragement as I am already a bit nervous.

Additionally, as one who has steared clear of conferences especially women's conference I feel it is important to share with each of you how different and special I believe this conference will be (oh and not just because I am going to be there) Truly I think this will be a different type of conference that allows time for questions, discussions, and encouragement. Also I believe it will be a conference that not only will give real world experiences but also time to dive much deeper into how one can apply the topics that are being discussed...

Okay ladies plus the best part is its at a Spa in Miami how much better can that be!!!

I really hope you take the time to check out the website and I really hope you can try to attend...Let me know if you are by commenting on this blog...

I can't wait to see you in Miami!

Reclaiming Female Vulnerability (or simply human vulnerability)

2010-04-07T13:34:00.033-05:00

Since Andrew and I are in a deciding and waiting period of what to do next with our IVF procedure -

I thought I would "blog" some thoughts.

I am going to simply take a stab at blogging on completely different subjects. This particular subject matter has baffled me for some time as I am now 30 years old...Yes all it is true I have left my twenties and feel as if I am about to begin a brand new adventure...although, I am still waiting for the wisdom fairy to come down and hit me over the head or sprinkle some glitter on me and give me "grown up" knowledge and thoughts...Oh well until then I don't want to grow up!

Okay back to some seriousness now...The word vulnerable has confused me in this modern day and age especially as a female. The word vulnerable for a long period of time has made my skin crawl and I could not ever imagine describing myself with such a term. According to Webster the first definition of vulnerable was capable of being wounded...Taken at face value the words would symbolize one that is weak and we as humans and especially as women in today's society should seek to not be vulnerable and should strive to prove our worthiness, strength, experience, capability, etc. Additionally I would say simply that I do not wish to put myself in positions where I am taken advantage of or may find myself vulnerable to an unpleasant experience. However, as I reflect I wonder what does it mean spiritually as a woman to be able to be vulnerable in this world and still understand we have a divine purpose. I must admit as Easter has come and gone I find myself wondering would I have been as vulnerable as Jesus...

As a woman being on this earth for the past 30 years I have celebrated in the "tough" exterior that I put forth, but maybe it is with age or maybe its the awesomeness of relationships the Lord has given to me, that I have come to realize as humans we are incredibly vulnerable and that is what makes us beautiful. I want to be open and capable of being wounded because that means I have put myself out there holding nothing back. I am loving with everything my Lord has shown me I am giving because the Lord has allowed my cup to be filled in abundance and it is over flowing in my life and I need to share it with others who also are vulnerable.

From a female perspective allowing myself to be vulnerable with my husband is giving myself fully to him and trusting him in loving, respecting, cherishing, and protecting me. No I do not believe my husband will intentionally hurt me, but because I am willing to go all in I am also willing to know that because I love with everything I am open to being wounded.

The most wonderful part in all of this is when we give all of ourselves to the Lord we will be wounded. Jesus did not paint a rosy picture and being a complete follower of Christ is not easy, but we must be vulnerable enough to follow in His divine calling. Women we must be complete enough that we trust our Lord even in the most vulnerable of feelings and places. I would describe myself as a bit of a feminist, I believe in equality, I have studied and furthered my education, I have successfully climbed corporate ladders, and today I am also going to say I am content in being vulnerable in the arms of my Lord and Savior. It is not weak but a wholeness of understanding to give all is to know that there will be times of pain and sorrow but there is hope and my God is awesome and the times of celebration and joy will be so much greater!

Heart Breaker

2010-03-16T15:42:00.003-05:00

All this past weekend was a heart breaker for Andrew and I. As I posted earlier we have made the very thoughtful and difficult choice to go through IVF. Unfortunately do to things that are simply out of our control and a wrong judgement in medication this cycle that we were on has fizzled and we had to stop all procedures and medications.

The most difficult piece to all of this is the time, pain, emotions, finances, and sacrifices that went into preparing for the very long journey of doing an IVF cycle. Additionally, this is the fifth time that Andrew and I have come to a cross roads within our infertility journey only to be told that this is not a good cycle for us to continue. We had two attempts on clomid only to find that my body has no reaction to this drug (well lots of side effects), two attempts with IUIs although we never made it to the actual procedure because we were told at the last minute (or final monitoring days) that this was not a good cycle to try an IUI and now with the first attempt to do the IVF procedures.

Quick background: An IVF cycle is when you start on birth control for a set amount of time to stabilize your cycle, then you take a hormone which suppresses your ovulation (I took a generic form of Lupron). Through out this time period you go in for numerous internal ultrasounds and blood work. Finally after a certain period of time you have what is called a base line check which is another internal ultrasound and blood drawn. You are then told what type of stimm medication you should take and at what amounts (I was/am on Follistim). For a period of time you are giving yourself two injections a day. My stomach is still bruised from the injection locations and I have gained quite a bit of weight through out this entire infertility journey :(. Again you are going in about every other day for ultrasounds and blood work. We were getting up and down news about our results, but everyone (doctors and nurses) were still very positive that we would be able to complete the full IVF cycle. Unfortunately on Sunday which would have been one of the last checks before continuing we got the news that all of the follicles that we thought we had are now gone. I was told this is fairly rare and it really had to do with the medication dosage they were giving to me. In their attempt to be cautious (which they have over 30 years of infertility experience) they lowered my Follistim dosage and it literally wiped out all of the follicle growth I had experienced to that point. The recommendation and based on a lot of conversations about timing, money, success rates it was determined that we can not continue with this cycle.

Had we continued I would have given myself a third injection called a "trigger" (I am on Ovidrel) it pretty much tells your body to release all of the eggs which have begun to grow or to ovulate. After which about 36 hours after I give myself the "trigger" shot the retrieval procedures take place. This is also the time when the egg and sperm are mixed together in a dish to see if there are any potential "connections" and development. After that about 3-5 days later depending on the strength of development the fertilized egg is placed back into me for hopes that it will attach and continue to grow. Additionally you have already started to give yourself Progesterone injections which you continue to give yourself for 7-8 weeks. These shots are essential for the growth of your baby(ies) because in IVF your body does not naturally produce enough progesterone. If you want to know why I can explain it later...

This has been a very emotional and psychologically draining experience. I can deal with the pain, bruising, and side effects but the emotional disappointments are much harder. I spent Sunday crying and Monday motivating myself to be strong to praise the Lord in these times and to lean on Andrew for strength. (thank goodness for the very satisfying pleasures of dinner and a movie) But this hurts especially because every time you let yourself hope...

My faith is still strong and we will try again, we just don't know exactly when...Please keep us in your prayers as we both find strength to start again...Lord keep our little baby(ies) perfect in your embrace until they will be given to Andrew and I to raise

Expectations moving forward

2010-03-08T15:20:00.003-06:00

All - I want to thank each of you for your love and support. I am going to try and be much better at actually responding to comments on this blog. At first I didn't even know I could do that, but I am fast learner (sort of) and I have figured it out. Okay moving forward I will respond to comments posted here. For those who have already posted. Thank you from the bottom of my heart your words of encouragement and especially your continued prayers mean a great deal to me as they are desperately needed while Andrew and I go down this path. So again thank you. For those who asked some questions. I am going to try and go back through and answer a few of what I have learned or what my particular facility does, recommends, etc. There were not many questions so I may just do it in one post.

Also please note to protect myself and my emotions I am not going to give out exact dates as to when Andrew and I are going to be starting and/or finishing any of the procedures, medications, appointments, etc. As much as I am trying to be open about everything I don't think I have fully prepared myself for the what ifs and I don't know if I can handle questions or inquiries as to if it worked, when is it going to take place etc.

Assuming all goes well I will announce when Andrew and I have made it to the second trimester when I believe we can breathe a bit easier (although I am not naive I know all times during pregnancy require a lot of caution). Additionally, I am planning on taking good notes so that I can reflect back and write about what happened and the step by step process of what it means to go through IVF. How I felt, what I went through, how Andrew felt, those around me, etc.

I will write on here about how I am feeling and thoughts I am having. I will also try and mix it up a bit and simply reflect on what it means to be a woman of God in today's world married to a man trying to change this world :)

Okay all, here we go...

My Simple Prayers

2010-03-08T14:58:00.004-06:00

Sorry to those who read this blog - We, Andrew and I have had to make some major decisions and begin some major adventures in this life of infertility. I will tell you for those who have never been down this road before it is scary, humiliating, painful, hopeful, emotional, un-natural, wishful, doubtful, consuming, vulnerable...I could simply keep writing all of the feelings I have been having and still they would not do justice to everything that goes into this journey. Not only do I pray every day (mostly as I am driving an hour to work) that our Lord creates healthy, happy, emotionally strong, curious, intelligent, humbled, faithful followers of Christ, but I also pray for realistic expectations and calming moments for myself. We have a long way to go before I am even pregnant and yet my prayers are constant. I pray the Lord will touch my body let it be a perfect, healthy, secure place that one day will be filled with life. Let our home be filled with joy, faithfulness, and love. Let Andrew and I be constant companions and partners in all that we do filled with love that is centered on our Lord. God bless the doctors, nurses, technicians, and specialists, bless their hands, their knowledge, guide them...

*Disclaimer I have no idea how many we will decide to place back in or how many babies we may have although our facility will only do for someone my age two fertilized eggs. Anyway in my prayers I pray for babies because eventually Andrew and I want more then one. If that happens to be two the first time or two different attempts the prayers are the same :)*

Lord let these baby(ies) grow inside of me one day. Bless them with 10 fingers and 10 toes, bless them with strong heart beats, with growing healthy bodies, growing and stimulated brains, touch each of their organs and let them be strong and develop as they are supposed to, Lord bless their skin as it grows over their bodies, touch their eyes and bless them with the ability to see the beauty of this world both outwardly and inwardly, bless their little ears so they may hear the sounds you have created and bless those little ears with the ability to listen to your whispers, bless their smiles so they are inviting and filled with friendly joy, bless their personalities may they each be filled in individualistic wonders and ideas, with adventures and curiosity, give them imaginations that fill their lives with far away lands, give them temperaments that love others and strength to stand up for what is right even when others fall. Give them a heart for you Lord bless them with faithfulness and a desire to continue to walk in your will and follow your path.

Let Andrew and I be the parents that give our children the direction and care you have called us to give. Let us remain humble in the great responsibility you would bestow upon Andrew and I by blessing us with children that they are only ours temporarily as we are guardians in this world on earth. Give us strength to love, discipline, honor, reward, and guide. Give us discernment in understanding our children and the world they will inherit.

Judge me if you wish - However, know that this world is not black and white

2010-02-10T14:56:00.002-06:00

Sorry this is long...

We have decided to begin the process of IVF as all other infertility treatments have not been successful or based on my condition and reaction to the medications I was not a candidate for certain procedures. I think it is important for me to outline my thought process for those who either are going through infertility, may have to face infertility issues, or have never been in this position. There seems to be a black and white, right or wrong stance on this procedure depending on which article and/or voice one chooses to read or listen to. But we had to decide for ourselves within our faith and our morality where we stood and what IVF meant... So her it goes...

After many days, months of prayer and research my very realistic and practical brain has come to the following conclusions which I feel align perfectly with my very spiritual and faithful heart.

I believe that life begins at conception, but what is conception? I believe that our Lord and Savior have granted many with minds, wisdom, knowledge and expertise which create great doctors that assist us in various medical areas. That being said the overall umbrella debate over IVF and faith (from my research) is the theory of believing that the doctor is somehow playing "god" through the IVF process. However, as I read those with varying view points a couple of items become very clear: 1. Most of the authors writing opinions had a political, religious, and/or medical agenda and 2. The majority of those against IVF had not experienced the actual process of IVF.

So what is IVF as a process and how does it align with my internal and moral belief that life begins at conception? I must admit I wasn't certain I would find an answer and was at peace that we may not choose IVF.

Fundamentally, I think we must ask ourselves the most basic of questions, what is conception? Conception is the meeting of the egg and sperm in a woman's womb. All three aspects must be present in order for life to begin and exist.

How amazing is our God that there is something so incredible, miraculous, invisible that medical science can not recreate, it can assist like any other procedure/surgery/therapy but ultimately it is up to our Lord and Savior and his divine purpose to grant us life and healing.

So my practical brain then said how do we break down the process of IVF and conception. As stated above there are three equal parts (all for one-one for all) of pregnancy/conception: 1. the sperm 2. the egg and 3. the female womb. In order for life you must have all three. The natural way to create life is through the act of sexual intercourse between a man and a woman or the gateway/action to allow for the sperm, egg and womb to all meet. In the IVF process because of our infertility issues we require a different action or an outside act to allow for the sperm, egg and womb to meet. Our act is with the assistance of a specialized doctor. The process of IVF and the assistance of a medical doctor only gets conception and pregnancy 2/3's of the way to life the meeting of the sperm and egg in a lab. Therefore, there is no conception and there is no life because these two entities can not survive without the female and even when met together can not produce a life or a soul. Yes, it is true there is cell growth (or medically the beginning stages of splitting of cells), but this can only go so far before the split cells require a host to latch onto for life to begin requiring all the necessary nutrients for growth and sustainability.

There are plenty of "fear" articles which propagate an agenda about test tube babies or even let's say test tube animals as the reasons "Christians" or "devoutly religious people" should not do IVF. The bottom line is that medical science has never ever been successful with creating life without the aid of a female body either human or animal.

Conception to me and my faith is the moment life can begin the moment an egg and sperm are united in the womb of a mother whether that is through natural means (and for those who can get pregnant naturally and do not know the struggle please keep your judgements at bay) or through a little assistance by doctors. The only way for life to begin is with all three...

So pray for us as we embark on this new journey even if you do not agree. As this decision is not only a soul searching time it will also be an incredibly emotional and physical journey as well. The medications, appointments, and procedures are not easy and require a lot of strength, patience, and courage. Ultimately, we are at peace with our decision and are thankful to our Lord and Savior for opening the doors to an incredible doctor and we are confident that we will be blessed with a beautiful baby (or babies).

"Praise You in this Storm" Casting Crowns - My new comfort my new battle cry

2010-01-27T16:20:00.004-06:00

So I was driving home and really needing some encouragement. I am terrified of the days a head and feeling empty through the process. Thankfully our God is amazing and uses everything at all times. As I was driving the following song by Casting Crowns came on the radio. I started to sob and sing out loud praising our Lord and Savior for everything in all situations. Our Lord is...

"Praise You in the Storm" Casting Crowns:
I was sure by now, God, that you would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and its' still raining as the thunder rolls I barely here You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus: And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You and raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

Chorus: And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've creid You hold in Your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus: And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm...

How do you include others when you are overwhelmed

2010-01-14T09:02:00.003-06:00

So I am learning that through this process I am becoming all consumed by my feelings and seem to be falling deeper and deeper into my own black hole. Personally I am one who is quite private and the thought of being vulnerable and emotional is very scary and quite foreign to me. That being said I need help because going through infertility has changed everything in my life. I feel almost as if things have been turned upside down and around and around. Since I am not one to deal with emotions well in the first place...or maybe its not that I don't deal with emotions well it may be that I have been able to remain a pretty even tempered person. Whether good or bad i don't get overly joyed at things and don't feel a lot of deep sorrow at sad things. I guess with emotions I take one moment, one day at a time. (however I am a big dreamer and like to think about and plan my future)

So all this to say that I am really struggling with all of the feelings I have been having to the point that I have become judgemental in areas that normally I would have been able to rationally work through on my own. The ability to internally dialogue (okay not in a weird way) with myself seems to be totally turned off...

I feel alone, I feel empty, I feel inadequate, I feel weak, but in the same moment I feel strong, for those that have been here no matter the choices you made moving forward how did you learn to share your feelings with those around you who care for you and how did you help them understand what you are going through so they could be in these moments with you?

Life is a roller coaster - but I would like a lazy river about now

2010-01-04T10:38:00.003-06:00

So I know that life is a roller coaster with its ups and downs, but sometimes I wish for brief moments in ones life you could have a lazy river. Andrew and I were on the "fertility" roller coaster this last week or so. I had been put on a more consistent amount of injections since I did not react well enough to the lower more spaced out injection regiment.

On a side note I am still feeling really anxious every time I go to give myself an injection. This is just so out of the ordinary and I have a new found respect for those that have to do this on a more consistent basis. My thoughts are with you...I am sure it just eventually becomes part of your routine, but seriously how abnormal is it to stick yourself with a needle...this is truly a psychological battle as well as a physical one...

Okay back to what is happening...We went in several times this past week or so for internal ultrasounds and blood work. Every time the news seems positive and the results from the procedures where showing good follicle growth, great lining numbers, and good hormone levels :) Even the nurses were predicting that I would be in for our first insemination (IUI) on Monday!

Andrew and i were thrilled, a little nervous with anticipation, we counted out the months to when our baby (or babies) would be born. We talked about how our lives would change and how exciting it would be...we even talked about if this first IUI did not work how we would cope with our emotions and be there for one another, but all in all we were so excited that we were going to finally have the chance to try! All this time of trying to figure out what medications would work for me and we seem to have found it!!!!

On Saturday, Andrew and I got up and once again traveled to Northwestern Memorial Hospital (okay I make it sound really long but its just a short drive on Lake Shore Drive). We went through again another internal ultrasound and did blood work. The nurse again looked at the ultrasound pictures and said that you have follicles measuring over 16mm which means it looks really good for the IUI (this is the first time since I started all of this in June that we had follicles that measured correctly). Wow we are really really going to do this...our conversation from the last paragraph only intensified...

We called our families to let them know the good news...although something inside of me (maybe its been all the disappointments in the past) told me to be cautiously optimistic...

And here comes the drop...The doctor called and said that he had some good news and bad news...The good news is that my ovaries are finally reacting to medications the bad news is that my ovaries are like a Ferrari the go 0-90 and nothing less, but require high stimulus to even get started...Which means in his opinion (oh and I am not sure I have mentioned this but I have one of the best doctors in the field thanks to a miracle in getting him to see me) that I am not a good candidate for the IUI procedures...He says that with your condition and the reactions you have had on the medications the only medically successful procedure he feels would give us the best chance is IVF.

My heart sank, I felt like I got punched in the gut with a bag full of bricks. I wish I could explain better how much it hurt to be so high and then fall so quickly...The worst was then having to call our family and give them the news. Some reactions were good some not so good, but I guess that is what happens I guess all reactions are normal.

So pray for Andrew and I as we try to decide what the Lord would like us to do...We have a little time to make any decisions as I now have to wait for this cycle to end, go back on birth control to re-normalize myself, take an IVF class at the end of February beginning of March and then figure out what we are going to do...

We both desperately want a baby (or babies) that is of Andrew and I...Lord please hear the desire of my heart...help me to remain faithful to your plan...and understand your will

Thank goodnes no Hallmark commercials

2009-12-30T14:11:00.002-06:00

Have you noticed that they are not running all those sappy Hallmark commercials...Well I have to admit I am soooo grateful to whom ever in the marketing department at Hallmark decided that they should cut back on the commercial budget this year. I seem to be crying at everything, for those who know me well you can attest that I do not cry at very many things and emotions for me are something that I keep very close, but since taking all of this fertility medication I have been a sobbing fool :)

I cry at everything...commercials, cartoons, t.v. shows, movies, families enjoying the winter day, my family eating under the Christmas tree at the Walnut room (which we have been doing every year)...I mean this is ridiculous! So needless to say I have been really happy that the Hallmark commercials have been few and far between this year.

In addition to sobbing at anything and everything, I have felt a bit nauseous and achy again side effects from the drugs. I asked if this was normal and they told me its like PMSing but for longer and stronger. Oh and the hot flashes that I have been getting...I have a new found respect for women in menopause which I am thinking great I have to feel this way again in like 20 years or so (maybe less).

Please pray we are hoping for good news and the ability to start at least trying the process. So far all trials have come up negative and we have not even been given the chance to try any of the pregnancy procedures. I am still hoping for a New Years miracle and to be blessed with perfect angel(s).

I pray for this life (or lives) which I know the Lord will bless Andrew and I with, I pray for their future, I pray for their health, I pray for their development within me one day and when they come into this world. I pray for their protection from the harshness of what our world is becoming. I pray they will be like children and have dreams, wonderment, imaginations for as long as I can protect those beautiful characteristics. I pray for their mental health and well-being. I pray for Andrew and I to be wise and active parents. To appreciate each one of the little angels that God blesses us with for their uniqueness and gifts. To guide them, encourage them, support them, and love them unconditionally. To celebrate with them, know when to scold and punish, understand when to push them forward, and hold back. I am not even pregnant yet, but I know my Lord is faithful and their little lives are destine for great things no matter where they go. I love you my little angels...

Is it wrong to want to punch a pregnant woman in the face?

2009-12-18T13:38:00.002-06:00

Okay not literally but maybe philosophically....Okay let me explain and this is more for those who may be going through a similar situation as my husband and I, those who may find themselves in this situation one day, and those who may know someone going through infertility.

I feel I need to say that I am absolutely thrilled for my friends and family who become pregnant and are expecting children. I am even really excited about those I don't know and see on the street...But I wanted to talk about an internal quite vivid struggle that I have had with myself in trying to control my emotions as another pregnant announcement is paraded past me.

So I was at a friends home for dinner and they introduced us to this new couple. As she was eating she began to say how she is so lucky now that she doesn't have to watch what she eats because she is expecting her second child. Of course we all, including myself, doted on her and celebrated in that announced moment. As she continued though I felt myself want to reach across the table and punch her in the face...who thinks that especially about a pregnant woman... Well this young girl proceeded to talk about how she wasn't even trying and oops it just happened. That's when like in a T.V. show when they show one of the characters internal thoughts and what they would really like to be doing I could see myself in all its trashy glory crawling across the table and punching this girl. Of course the whole time I am thinking of this I have a smile on my face and can hear myself telling her how exciting it must be and when are you due...You know saying all the right things...

So I asked my friend who also went through infertility about my feelings (oh and this girl was not the first pregnant woman that these emotions were directed towards). She thankfully assured me that this was normal and that it just hurts. Even though being upset with a pregnant woman is incredible taboo it still does not negate your deep hurts and empty pains that you are feeling in those moments...Phew I am not loosing my mind...Well maybe just a little bit :)

The reason I say this is to let others know that as we struggle with things in life sometimes our thoughts, emotions are not always rational and that is okay. Be sure to surround yourself with people who support you, love you, and will walk side by side with you. I may not understand why Andrew and I are going through this right now, nor will I always understand why my very rational self has become quite irrational but I know I am learning to be faithful that my life has a father who is greater then all things in this world and he is looking over my everything!

Where does Faith and Science meet or not meet

2009-12-17T10:36:00.000-06:00

So I have this question - Andrew and I have not yet been faced with the prospect of invitro, but it is something that we may need to face if the IUI procedure is not possible for us. Since we haven't even tried yet, I don't want to totally jump the gun - but I am thinker and a future planner so it has crossed my mind about invitro - and I guess the question comes in as to when does belief, faith, and science not go together anymore.

Here is my thoughts - I believe that life begins at conception (or the meeting of the egg and the sperm) if that is true then when the doctor puts those together then they are vaible lives right? Okay so what happens if they remove from me several eggs because of course not all become viable options. Okay so lets say that when they do their doctor thing that 6 eggs and sperms meet and are healthy and viable. They only will implant three into a woman (maybe four) but no more then that. So what happens to those other 3-4 lives? I have been told you can freeze them, donate them to science, or donate them to another couple...

Okay freezing them is an option because maybe Andrew and I will only have one child out of the ones that are implanted and we will want to try for another (if we get more then one on the second try then so be it) but what if we get twins on the first try and we do not wish to be implanted with any more children?

Donate it to science - I don't think I could stomache this idea that a perfectly created life by Andrew and I has been placed in the hands of science - that would be me deciding that this life will not ever be - I just don't think that is what I believe nor do I believe that is my right.

Donate it to a couple or woman who can't have children or this is not an option for them - Okay this one Andrew and I both agree. There is no way we could knowingly have a perfect genetic child out there being raised by someone else who is 100% Andrew and mine...

So what are your thoughts - Again, Andrew and I have not been faced with this decision yet, but we did need to start thinking about it as we do have infertility issues and it may be a decision we have to make. We will need to pray a lot more about it and get counsel, but if anyone finds this blog. I am curious what you think...

Kick me while I am down - Please pray

2009-12-17T10:31:00.000-06:00

So I know I am overloading this blog site today - but I figured I would try to catch at lease myself up since no one knows its here :)

Anyway Andrew and I have been struggling with the pain of infertility, but I have been also struggling with the prospect that I may loose my job. I have been with my company for almost 4 years and I have worked very hard for them. I have developed brand new programs, increased revenue, reduced waste, and streamlined processes...but I guess when a company is down its down and its not personal. That being said Andrew and I desperately need my salary and with our medical issues right now we desperately need the health insurance provided by my company. Please pray that they decided to keep me on for a bit longer. I am praying for at least 2 years because I feel the Lord is going to do (and is already doing) awesome things with Andrew and the foundation which will allow us to have our special little angels (that is what I am calling our children to be right now) and give me time to find a new position or work direclty with Andrew utilizing the skills that I have professionally.

Please pray - I need my job right now

Why - I know we would make great parents

2009-12-17T09:52:00.000-06:00

I guess since no one knows I even have this space I will attempt to begin my own diary of thoughts and feelings. If someone does stumble on to this space then you may or may not know that my husband and I have been trying for quite awhile to start a family.

We have been going through a few different rounds of infertility treatment...I guess I should start from the beginning so I have a good record for myself and I guess for anyone else who begins to walk along side me through this blog.

At the beginning of this year my husband and I decided we were going to begin (oh I should caution if any men are reading this I will get a bit graphic) trying to have children. Before we married we discussed how many we wanted, he wants one because he was an only child, I want two because I think you need to learn to share. Plus I was given two hands which I think should have two little hands holding on to it...One day I may share my story as to why only two lets just say it happened at a theme park...

Anyway I couldn't seem to get a natural period. I had taken birth control for about two years right around the time Andrew and I got engaged. Additionally I had taken it some years earlier to regulate my period when I was younger, but before starting it again I was off of it for a good five years or so. All that to say I was really not on birth control for that long - and let me put a service announcement here as well I have never been told by any medical professional that being on birth control has in any way affected my ability to get pregnant. I only bring it up for my records.

So Andrew and I began to search out OBGYNs in our area. We are lucky to live in a great city with awesome medical options and I am blessed to have a company that gives its employees great insurance. So we chose an OBGYN with Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago. We met with the Doctor went through all of my history did a lot of pocking, proding, and blood work and waited for the results. The doctor called and said well I have good news and bad news. I said give me the good news first, she said you are a very healthy person and so confused I said what is the bad news she said well because you are healthy we can't figure out what would be standing in the way of you and your husband getting pregnant. She then said don't worry I have a plan and here it is:

You will begin on 7 days of pills of a drug called Provera - this drug was used (and I stress the was) for woman during menopause it is a progesterone drug. They stopped using it because of the side effects and simply it was found to not be good. For someone like me who is fairly young (oh I started this process at 28/29) they will use the drug for no more then 6 rounds to help induce or jump start your body to start having a period. She then said on the 3rd day of your menstral cyle you will begin a drug called Clomid which you will take from days 3 to day 7. From that I then began taking ovulation kit predictors on day 10 through day 18. On day 19 I went in for blood work. The goal of course was to see a positive result (or that I was ovulating) somewhere between days 10 and 18. Unfortunatley for me I did not see any positive results and on day 19 my blood work confirmed that I did not ovulate. I then waited another 20 days and did not receive a natural period and we started the entire process over again. However, this time we increased the Clomid from 50mg. to 100 mg. (oh Clomid is a ovulation drug which is supposed to help induce ovulation or egg production - there is a lot of success for women on Clomid) - Unfortunatley again this round did not work. At this time my OBGYN said she needed to refer to me to Infertility Specialists.

She gave me two doctors she recommends. She said the doctor connected with Northwestern is the best and one of the best in the field. However, she warned that it took between 6-8 months to even have an opportunity to see him. So I thought you know what lets go for the best and see what happens. Oh in the mean time my OBGYN said we would just keep trying what we are doing until I get in.

God is awesome. I called the Infertility doctor's office on a Wednesday and about an hour later they called me back to let me know they had a cancelation. I had an appointment with one of the best infertility doctors Friday morning. Again, I went through a lot of pocking, proding, and blood work. They did an internal vaginal ultrasound also. That is where they discovered (and my blood worked confirmed) that I have a condition called PCOS. In fact, although I do not show many of the outward sysmptoms like obesity, funny thick hair in weird places and acne the doctor said it was one of the more severe cases. It is a "string of pearls" or a line of lots of tiny cists that sit on the ovaries and almost choke them which does not allow them to create eggs.

Knowing the diagnosis was good. We started another round of provera and upped the does of Clomid to 150mg. Additionally I had to go in for a HSE x-ray (okay I am going to have to check if that is the correct accronym). The x-ray is to determine if there is any blockage in the follopian tubes. Pretty much they go in and like an internal vaginal screen and then stick this cathered like thing up and shoot in some dye to see if it runs through correctly. Andrew and I were really nervous for this procedure because if there was something wrong with the tubes then there is not a whole lot you can do and we were going to have to make some major decisions. Again, thanfully my tubes were clear and everything in that area was fine. Meaning once I got pregnant they don't believe anything would happen based on the PCOS.

Again Andrew and I received bad news after numerous trips to the doctor for internal ultrasounds which continually showed no progress. It is really hard to go in get proded then wait hoping that they are going to tell you everything looks good and guess what we can move forward with you being able to become parents :) Over and over again we were told sorry things just don't look good. Then the worst was when I thought I saw the ultrasound as the technician was performing it and I thought I saw something (okay I have no training but you get a bit desperate) I came out and told Andrew (who by the way has been awesome and has tried to be at every appointment possible) that I think we are going to get good news this time. And we didn't.

Moving on to the next step. Now they needed to also test Andrew, but in the mean time they told me I need to start giving myself shots of a drug called Flosstim (I may have spelled that wrong). I was to give myself three shots and then a week after the first shot we were to come in and go through another ultrasound. Andrew did get tested and we did get his results. His numbers were okay and he had slow and deformed swimmers, which meant we would have to do an IUI or Invitro (natural was just not in the cards :))

We went in the week after beginning the shots and we got for the first time some positive news. There was actual growth in my ovaries which would lead to the development of eggs and then hopefully to doing the IUI procedure. Andrew and I were really excited and headed back for Thanksgiving!!! I did more shots over the Thanksgiving time and we went back into the doctors office on Friday after Thanksgiving thinking we were going to get awesome news and schedule the IUI!!!!

Unfortunately, again the ultrasound came back bad. It showed that all the progress that had been made actually shrunk and we could not do the procedure. I was heart broken. I really truly thought for sure this it...it was going to be our Christmas miracle. I cried. It hurt. But I knew we had to keep going it wasn't over yet.

Andrew and I did some retail therapy (always a good thing) on Michigan Ave and talked about how it hurt and how we are going to keep going.

I received a call from the doctor who said that we were going to need to catch the next cycle. So we waited again. And again I did not get a natural period. So I have taken another round of provera and am waiting for my period. It is my understanding that once I get my period I will begin the shots again and we shall see....

One day...

2009-12-09T10:29:00.000-06:00

So one day I believe I will be utilizing this blog space to share thoughts, pictures, feelings, lessons...I guess right now I still either don't have the time, am not making the time, or just am trying to get the hang of this whole blog world...Beyond that I was a female who never journaled so to really truly think about my thoughts and feelings and then take the time and vulnerability to write them down for anyone to read is quite difficult for me. Additionally, I am one who believes words are powerful and you must be careful and thoughtful before sharing...so either until the day comes when I feel inspired I will continue to add non-specific posts to this space in order to keep it around :)

2009-03-30T10:40:00.000-05:00

In order to keep this blog alive I am attempting to make small insignificant posts to this space at least until I have something to actually say...So without any real thoughts this will just be a space saver post to remind myself that I have this actual blog area and I really should think about doing something with it...

Brenda's First Blog

2008-05-22T16:21:00.000-05:00

So I have no idea as to what I am doing. So for a test I have created this section as my first blog. I am looking forward to what I can capture and eventually when I feel comfortable enough sharing this blog with others...

Here we go ready set Brenda (I know third person quite cheesy) blog!